Developments // Jenlisa

One

"I-I need some air," she stutters after a moment.

It must say something that, out of all the things that have happened to her recently, this news brings out the most visceral reaction in her.

She feels like she's been punched in the chest.

She can't breathe and she watches Jennie's face fall as she turns away from her, stumbling when she walks out of the kitchen. Tears stream down Jennie's cheeks but Lisa is too busy feeling like she's being suffocated to pay any attention.

"No-No... Stop. Don't-don't leave..." Jennie cries desperately, following her. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Lisa halts at the request and tries her hardest to breathe out so that she might calm down. She swallows and blinks and then opens her mouth, willing herself to speak. It's more difficult than anything else she's done in a while.

"It's-it's fine," she manages to whisper.

Jennie scoffs at the words and a whimper escapes her. "It's not fine," she cries and presses a hand to Lisa's back that she instantly removes when Lisa stiffens at the touch. "It's not." She pauses. "Lisa, I'm-" she trails off awkwardly. "Lisa, I might be... I might be preg-"

Lisa doesn't know whether to laugh, that there's another important thing Jennie can't manage to say, or feel hopeful that this worry might not even be warranted yet. Instead, she just swallows and breathes.

"It changes things," Jennie whispers.

Lisa shrugs. "Does it?"

A hand presses to her back again and she tries not to stiffen this time. When she feels it drift down and around her waist it gets a little more difficult, it becomes impossible. When a nose presses warmly to the base of her neck, warm breaths brushing against her skin, she feels like she might stop breathing at the sensation.

"We love each other," Jennie whispers and Lisa feels a tear roll down her cheek at the reminder. She swipes it away quickly. "We love each other. I love you. You told the entire world that you fell in love with me. That means something."

Lisa gulps after a few moments of silence. "I don't know what you want me to say here."

Jennie whimpers against the back of her neck and Lisa would peel Jennie away from her body if she wasn't that sure putting her hands on her would be the last thing she needed to give in.

"I want you to say something," Jennie whispers. "I just want you to talk to me."

Lisa nods. She curls her fists into the front of her jeans and breathes in. She tries to think of anything she might say to satisfy her but the words she does say shocks them both.

"Is it his?" she asks and Jennie flinches against her. She breathes out. "I mean, could it be his?"

"No," she whispers after a moment. "No, we broke up a while ago. I mean-whatever we might have had finished forever ago." She turns quieter then. "I don't know whose it could be," she whispers shamefully. Lisa doesn't know if that makes things better or worse.

She feels both.

"Why are you here, Jennie?" she asks softly. Her voice sounds too calm.

Jennie sniffs and nuzzles into her skin. "Because I fucked up," she admits. "I fucked up my entire life. I stopped giving a shit because I thought it might make me stop feeling so guilty about how I treated you. I thought it was the right thing to do, but then, a few days ago, I saw you on TV." She swallows at the tightness that plagues her voice. "I watched you tell everyone the truth and I started giving a shit again. But the minutes I stopped acting like an idiot I realized the fact that I was puking so much wasn't because I was hungover. I remembered everything that I'd fought so hard to forget and I just... I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive." She shrugs and sniffs. "I told my mom first, then my manager, then my family and they all said the same thing. None of them care. They think it's just another stupid thing I've done and told me to get a damn..." She trails off and Lisa feels her shudder. She wants to shudder too. "They said it's the only thing that could help. They said that it's the only thing I can do to start fixing everything that I broke except... I don't know if I can do that and I don't know what to do."

Lisa laughs mirthlessly even as she feels an uncomfortable weight of panic settle in her stomach. It's new and unfamiliar and doesn't really make sense.

"What makes you think that I have a clue?" she says honestly. She's not exactly the poster child of the perfect life, right now. She shakes her head. "This is your life, Jennie. I can't tell you how to live it. Sometimes-sometimes things don't turn out how you expect them or want them to. Sometimes you have to deal with stuff you never thought you'd have to."

Jennie shrugs and pulls back. Her forehead rests on Lisa's shoulder blade. "I still don't know what to do."

"Well, what do you want, Jennie?" she breathes. "Not what you think you want but what you actually want. Stop thinking about everything, stop caring about everyone else and figure out what you need to make you happy. Stop thinking about what everyone else thinks is good for you. Stop thinking about me and just... do what you need to do."

Hands grip around her elbows then and urge her around. She goes with it, until she realizes how close to Jennie she is when they're face to face.

"I need to be with you," Jennie whispers and it's almost everything Lisa's wanted to hear and everything she can't bear to listen to right now. "I need you with me."

"Because I'm the only one left?" she asks softly.

Jennie's face falls.

"Because I love you," she whispers softly. "I love you and you told everyone you're in love with me."

The sincerity in her eyes almost makes Lisa give in but she can't.

"That doesn't mean anything," Lisa whispers. "It doesn't mean anything's changed. I would have told everyone that years ago but you wouldn't let me because you were scared. "

Jennie opens her mouth to speak but Lisa cuts through her. She reaches up to cup her cheek on a whim and regrets it instantly. It makes her crack a little.

"I'm in love with you," she whispers, her voice breaking. Jennie's face softens completely. "So much that I think it might kill me, except I don't even like you right now. I don't even know who you really are. I don't even think you do." She shrugs. "I would love to be with you but I can't, Jennie, I can't. I can be your friend, but I really think you need to figure out who you are and what you want before anything else can happen."

Jennie's face falls and tears stream down her cheeks. Lisa wipes them away reverently, breath uneven at the wetness on her thumbs.

"You don't want me?" Jennie chokes hopelessly.

Lisa smiles and shakes her head. "It's not about what I want," she breathes. "Plus," she tries to smile. "It might not just be you that I'm getting."

Jennie's confused at first but then her face falls with realization. Her hand subconsciously falls to her stomach as she bursts into terrified sobs but it's okay.

For a while, everything's okay because Lisa wraps her arms around her and holds her tight.