Developments // Jenlisa

Fourteen

She finds it hard falling asleep for the first time in weeks. She measures the hours passing by by the duration between Lila's feeds and finds herself flicking her gaze between the two girls beside her. She wonders if, if she just fell asleep, it would make her more a part of them, more like them. She wonders if sleeping and holding and loving them at the same time would make them hers.

She doesn't know, just like she doesn't know when it became less about protecting herself and more about being able to call them her own.

She smiles when Lila's eyes are wide open and staring around after her feed. She chuckles when she makes a noise of annoyance when no one seems to be paying any attention to her anymore. Milk drools down her chin and she hiccups once before Lisa rolls her eyes and lifts her off of Jennie's chest and onto her shoulder.

She sways around the room as she rubs her back to burp her but, when Lila gives a squeal of pain, Lisa knows it's going to be one of those nights. She presses Lila closer to her and shushes her whimpers as she leaves the bedroom, making her way downstairs so she doesn't wake Jennie up.

"You shouldn't have eaten so fast," she says softly as Lila's little bottom lip pouts out and proper tears stream down her cheeks. Lisa rubs at her back, determined to ease her pain. "I don't know why you haven't figured that out yet," she sighs. "It's not going anywhere. It's your milk. No one's taking it away, my little poopoo."

Lila's whimpers subside a little and Lisa waits patiently for the burp that she knows is coming. It takes a couple more minutes but then-yep-there it is. She smiles proudly and keeps rubbing her back.

"Clever Girl," she coos softly and turns her head to the side until she can kiss the back of Lila's head where it rests on her shoulder. "There ya go," she giggles when Lila burps again. "You sound just like your mama."

Lila sighs and Lisa keeps rubbing her back until nothing else happens and Lila's fallen fast asleep on her shoulder. She laughs and sits herself down on the couch before kicking her feet up onto the edge of the coffee table. She pulls Lila away from her shoulder and rests her against her bent up thighs, her head cradled in her hand.

She looks at her carefully, smoothing out her panda onesie before chuckling at the way her bottom lip still pouts out from where she was crying. Lisa leans forward and kisses it, softens when Lila releases a soft, content, little sigh at the feel of it.

"D'you know what?" Lisa whispers in her softest voice, her smile growing. "I think you're my second favorite person in the world." She pauses before amending her statement. "Maybe joint first."

Lila makes no sign that she heard her or even understood her. Lisa smiles and then reaches to stroke the tip of her finger down Lila's cheek. She feels things breaking inside of her when Lila just sighs again, her tiny chest puffing out softly before evening out again.

Lisa blinks away unexpected tears.

"Do you wanna know a secret?" Lisa whispers breathlessly.

She looks over Lila's body, from her dark, wavy hair to the way that her arms fall down against Lisa's bare thighs. One of her legs slips off of Lisa's and she reaches down, feeling the tiny bones of Lila's foot when she puts it back in her lap.

Lisa shakes her head and figures that, if anyone is going to hear this, it's Lila.

"I wish I was your mom," Lisa breathes out, ignoring the tears that roll down her cheeks. "I wish that you and your mama were mine. I wish you were my family..." Lisa smiles and sighs, enamored by the tiny person that still manages to silence her with amazement every single day. "I wish I was your mom...I wish a lot of things..."

"Really?"

Lisa gasps, caught and shocked by the sound of Jennie's voice. She stiffens and doesn't look up at Jennie but knows that she's probably lingering in the doorway. She just keeps looking at Lila and lets the deep dark places inside of her wonder if it'll be the last time.

"Sorry," she whispers, barely above a whisper.

Jennie's feet pad over the carpet and stop. Lisa doesn't look up; she just presses her nose to Lila's and breathes in the smell of her, the touch of her, and soaks in her baby calm.

Jennie sits down on the coffee table beside her feet. "That's not what I asked," she whispers. "I asked you if you really wished that you were Lila's mom."

The words, put so bluntly, make Lisa flinch. She doesn't say anything.

Jennie gasps and grips at Lisa's bare ankle. "Do you want to be Lila's mom?"

Lisa gulps. "It doesn't matter."

It's the wrong answer because within a second Jennie is taking Lila from her and marching her across the room to where her Moses basket sits and putting her down in it. Lisa whimpers and feels burned by the punishment, burying her face in her hands. She sobs into them and feels foolish for it until Jennie's back in front of her and she's tugging her hands away from her face. She falls to sit astride Lisa's thighs and pushes her back against the couch cushions by the shoulders until they're face to face.

"Do you..." she says again slowly, and Lisa then notices that she's crying. "Do you want to be Lila's mother?" Lisa gulps. "Do you want to raise my daughter with me? Do you want to be her parent? Do you want to help me love her? Protect her?" She stops and gives Lisa a look so serious it makes her ache. "Do you?" she asks softly. "And I swear to God, if you pretend you didn't just say you did then I will never forgive you, Lisa. I will never forgive you because I've waited so long to hear you say that. So long."

Lisa looks at her, her chest struggling to breathe. Jennie's never looked more beautiful, less exhausted, more terrified.

Jennie whimpers and her bottom lip pouts out a little just like Lila's.

"I know I fucked up," Jennie whispers and then she's gripping Lisa's cheeks so tightly it would hurt if it didn't feel so wonderful. "I know that I put everything ahead of you and made you feel like you were nothing to me for so long but you're not, Lisa, you're not." She shakes her head. "You were right," she says and tries to smile. "All of the things I kept secret, all the things I refused to say, all the things I thought I wanted ... I didn't... They were nowhere close to making me feel as happy as waking up beside you and Lila makes me feel every morning. The pair of you..." she sniffs. "You're everything to me."

"Jennie..." she manages to whisper.

Jennie just presses their foreheads together. Her tears drip onto Lisa's cheeks and she shakes her head to stop her.

"I want you," Jennie whispers. "If you were to ask me, like you have done so many times, what I want, that's what my answer would be." She looks her straight in the eye with no room for argument. "You. And Lila... except Lila wants you, too. We want you."

Lisa barely feels herself sob; she barely feels anything but the way that her heart thuds wildly in her chest like it's trying to get to Jennie. She's sure she's smiling but she doesn't know. Jennie wipes her tears away with her thumbs and sighs.

"What do you want, Lisa?"

Lisa takes a moment but then she breathes out and reaches up to cup Jennie's cheeks. Her eyes flutter closed when Jennie's nose presses to hers but then she smiles, relief and happiness filling her from head to toe.

"You. Everything," she whispers. "I want you and everything... everything you'll give me."

Jennie's arms wrap around her neck and she smiles as her eyes flutter closed. She sighs against Lisa's lips and kisses her once, quickly before pulling back to speak.

"Then that's what you'll get," she whispers and then they're smiling, kissing, tongues pushing past lips and into mouths, stroking together like they've got all the time in the world.