𝓓𝓾𝓵𝓬𝓲𝓼 𝓓𝓮𝓭𝓲𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓮𝓶

.• 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣&𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣 •.

Pairing: Vendetta!Leon x Therapist!Reader

Warning(s): PTSD, depression

Song: again&again by Against the Current (it's a banger, I promise)

This is sort of, like, a really long dialogue between you and (mostly) Leon, so... yeah. Enjoy!

*****

I've stopped asking what "optimal" is; in this depression I'm not seeking the happier version of me. I can't recall the last time I reached out for that child-self I once was, the kid who loved sunshine and rain all the same. I started to see darkness around the lights instead of the other way around, and soon there were no more colors in my world. They say there is a rope ladder out of depression, one you can use to climb out of it, the problem is that I just can't find the will to reach out for the first rung, let alone try, especially when the life I'm living keeps pulling me underneath. And even in isolation and alienation, I feel like my body's a temple crowded with ghosts; hard as I try, I'm never alone.

Every time I look at that unknown reflection in the mirror, he looks at me like the fire in his eyes has been dowsed with ice water, if anything it makes the blue more pale. I'm not used to it, it unnerves me. I want him to give freely like he always does but he won't. It's like he just crawled right back inside some invisible shell and no matter how hard I try he's unreachable.

I want somebody to hear me out, to just listen to me, but each time I try to straighten myself out the same thing that's caused me to become this yanks me in again. So, what I do is just keep it together, like a smattering of addicts in the dark, and just keep them forever, I guess. My whole life I just thought that maybe the internal dialogues of my enemy were just nothing, after all, we all got thoughts we never say out loud, right? I'll just drink them out and sleep and be stuck in that goddamn loop because that's what life is.

Well, at least I thought a bit of Jack Daniels could pull me out of this fucking world I'm leaving in.

Unfortunately, over time I realized no matter what I do as long I'm stuck in being a weapon, I'll never be free from my head and heart. And honestly, this battle is a heart versus heart one.

This world is one I'd happily give up. I'd gladly end everything just to bring back the serenity I've lived throughout my childhood. It's a place where monsters walk around, sneer at you, and attack you when your back's turned to them. I-it's dark, malicious, violent, and, God, when and how did the silence get so loud? This has been the same shit that's persistently haunting me in my waking hours and sleeping times, and now, it's all in my head.

I just... Can somebody stop time, keep my hands from shaking because every gun is another weight on my fingers and shoulders? I-I've tried but somehow, I keep breaking again, and again, and again, and again.

You've got me, you know. I can always help you.

Yeah, I know, but before you came around, I felt like I tiptoed around because I'm scared to wake them, scared to move. And I still do feel that but ever since you came into my life, I felt like I could move freely again. So, I thank you for that. You're the guardian angel I never knew I needed and wanted until now.

Yeah, well, you can always call me to kick that little devil ass on your shoulder.

Yeah, you're probably Dante for all I know.

Oh, you want me to Michael Jackson those demons, too?

If you want to, I wouldn't complain. In all seriousness, though, thank you for being here for me. It's a long process, I know, but I'll get there, we'll get there.

Anytime. I'll help you whenever you feel like you're about to lose control. You're not going to be left all alone.

I don't doubt that. I love you, Y/N.

I love you, Leon. We'll go pass this together

I know.

*****

Ayyyeee, she back!!! Well, sort of. Anyway, tell me what you think about this one. It's my first time doing this kind of thing.

The music video for again&again isn't out yet but it's going to be released later at 1:00pm EST, I think, so I'll probably edit the vid above and change it into the mv itself once it's out.

Edit: The MV's out!