Sana

Kabanata 13

Kabanata 13

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There’s nothing more magical in life than the feeling of falling in love, and there’s nothing more isolating than falling out of it. Falling out of love can be one of the most shattering feelings which may break you completely.

Other days had passed, pero ganun parin si Zanth. Hindi siya kumikibo sa akin at ang lamig niyang kausapin. I'm freaking tired of being an overthinker. Buong araw at gabi akong mag-iisip kung anong naging problema namin. At sa bawat araw na lumilipas, ay unti-unti na akong nawawalan ng gana. Ibang Zanth yung nakikita ko. I miss the old him. Hindi ganung klaseng lalaki ang minahal ko.

But I still want to hear his explanations.

Desperada na kung desperada. Pero kasi sayang yung pinagsamahan namin. Sayang yung anim na taon. I love him and It's not that easy for me to let go of him. Sometimes I cannot help myself but to believe for what their new maid told me. Hindi naman kasi maiiwasan na maisipang baka nga may iba siya kaya siya nag-iba ang pakikitungo niya sakin. But his damn sweet and delightful words keep on haunting me. Everytime I remember those moments and his sayings, It always gives me strength to keep him and our relationship alive. It urges me to stop myself from giving up. 

Ang hirap. Ang hirap maging ganito. Yung tipong naguguluhan ka at nasasaktan dahil sa biglaan niyang pagtrato ng kakaiba sa iyo. At sobra kang nasasaktan kapag tinitingnan mo ang taong hindi mo inaasahang magbago. 

I tried to ask him what's the matter but he constantly pushes me away from him. Naalala ko na naman yung nangyari noong isang araw.

"Zanth. Pwede ba tayong mag-usap?" I asked.

Hindi niya ako tiningnan at iginugol ang atensyon niya sa pagbabasa. Tila ba wala lang sa kaniya ang presensya ko. 

"Zanth?" napalakas ng kaunti ang boses ko. 

Now, he's already facing me. I miss him. Kahit sobrang lapit ko lang sa kaniya ay parang ang layo namin sa isa't isa. His cold stares at me made me trembled a bit. Ganito na lagi ang magiging reaksyon ko kapag tinitingnan niya ako ng napakalamig. 

"Loves, I m-miss you." Wala sa sariling naisambit ko iyon. It startled me pero wala na akong magagawa. Besides, that's what I truly feel. 

He suddenly closed the book and stood up. Ramdam ko yung pagkairita niya, kitang kita ko iyon sa mga mata niya. He arched his brows and utters. 

"Well… I don't miss you at all. At pwede ba Seirra, tantanan mo na ako. It really sucks." he exasperatedly said that made me to froze up my body.

Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin sa mga oras na iyon. On the same day, I cried. Every minute, hour, and day... He keeps on breaking my damn heart. I mean, how can he do that? How can he manage to do that? Napapagod na akong intindihan siya. 

Kinuha ko na libro ko sa Statcon at nagsimula na akong mag-aral. A lot of occurrences happen this week. Nag-exam kami kahapon pero para akong nakipag-away sa tigre dahil sa pagod. Tapos kagabi sobrang sakit pa ng ulo ko na para itong mabibiyak. Tapos dumagdag pa yung problema namin ni Zanth. I heaved a deep breath as I remember him. 

I finished studying and I was now planning to sleep. Ilang ulit ko nang ipinapalit yung pwesto ko pero hindi parin ako makatulog. So what I do is I get my phone and open my IG account. Nagulat ako dahil activated na ulit yung account ni Zanth. Napabalikwas naman ako ng bangon at nilakihan yung mata ko kung totoo nga ba yung nakita ko. 

I immediately chatted with him. 

Seirra_Vdona: hey... I'm glad you get your account back :)

He saw my chat but he didn't respond. Parang biglang kumirot yung yung puso. I chatted with him again. 

Seirra_Vdona: Loves, are you okay? Are we okay? 

I became hesitant in sending that message. Pero sa huli ay ini-send ko pa rin. Gusto ko malaman ang sagot niya. I stalk him for a while at mas nasasaktan ako nung nakita kong deleted na yung lahat ng pictures naming dalawa. He deleted all our pictures and only his solo pictures were left in his account. 

At gaya nang dati, nanlamig ulit ako. Ano bang problema niya? My eyes started to fall down my tears. I was hurt. Yung pagiging cold niya? Matatanggap ko pa iyon kaunti. Pero ito? Yung pag delete niya sa mga pictures namin... Those pictures were memorable to us but he chooses to abandon them all. Napakawalang-hiya niya! Ganun na lang ba yun kadaling kalimutan? 

Would I ever be? His sweet words lingered and echoed in my mind. His I love you's... Was it all lie? Kung hindi iyon totoo, bakit kami tumagal? Umiyak lang ako nang umiyak hanggang sa humapdi na ang mga mata ko. Nawalan na rin ako ng luha sa kakaiyak. 

Bakit mga bagay na magbabago? Nagising nalang ako na nawala na yung dating saya at sigla ng relasyon namin. Parang kahapon lang ang saya pa naming dalawa at sa isang iglap nawala lahat ng iyon. I suddenly closed my eyes and a tear slipped from my eyes.

One day you were a couple, thinking of forever. The next day, you are strangers. You don’t know how it happened. Was it something you said? Was it something they did? Can you fix it? Can you mend this broken partnership? How do you make it like it used to be? How do you get back to the good parts? To the magic parts. How do you get back to the love part, instead of the end part. How do you get back to the fairytale in reality?

I burst out in tears once again. Maraming katanungan ang bumuo sa aking isipan. What if he truly has another girlfriend? What if he really fell out of his love towards me? Hindi ko iyon kaya.