Sana

Kabanata 16

Kabanata 16

Sana 

Maybe Love stays.

Maybe Love can’t.

Maybe Love shouldn’t.

Love arrives exactly when Love is supposed to and Love leaves exactly when Love must.

October 8, 2020… Our 7th anniversary has come. I must be feeling happy and excited right? But I feel the opposite, pain and sorrow were eating my whole system now. Ni hindi niya nga siguro naalala na anibersaryo namin ngayon. I already made a vast decision in my life. My feelings, for now, are unreliable. Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at nagpakawala ng isang malalim na hininga. Remembering all the memories we made seven years ago that brings me a heart quake. Hindi ko siya gustong pakawalan pero kinakailangan. 

Napaka-selfish ko naman kung panghahawakan ko pa siya kahit may iba na siyang mahal. Even if he lied, cheated, and became a parcel of chaos, he still deserves to be happy. Letting go is really hard, especially when you have to let go of something you really love. Also, I don't want to stay in a place where I am not welcome anymore. Hindi na ako ang tinitibok ng puso niya kaya nararapat lang sa akin na pakawalan na siya.

Then I realize, everyone wants the relationship to last, but in reality, that’s not the case. People change, things change, feelings change, everything is constantly changing, no matter how much you wish it wouldn’t. Maybe they didn’t do anything wrong. Perhaps you didn’t do anything wrong either. Maybe it just happened. Slowly, so slowly, that you didn’t even notice the little red flags and warning signs.

I heaved a deep breath as I look at my phone. I mocked at myself. Seriously Seirra? Are you still hoping that Zanth will greet you? Kahit handa ko na siyang iwan, It doesn't change the fact that I still love him the most.

Tumayo na ako at tiningnan ang sarili sa salamin. "You need to be strong in facing him, okay? Dapat hindi ka iiyak. Dapat hindi mo ipakita sa kaniya na nasasaktan ka. Tama na ang pagiging desperada mo Seirra." paalala ko sa sarili ko.

It is past five in the afternoon, and I am planning to call him in six, when I am already done preparing. Isinuot ko na iyong ibinili ko na dress sa mall. I smiled when I saw myself in the mirror. Nakakatawa lang kasi dati, sobrang saya ko at excited nang namili ako ng isusuot sa anniversary namin pero hindi ko inaasan na hahantong pala kami sa ganito. Destiny was indeed so tricky, isn't it? 

I put light make up and wear my stunning white heels. I let my wavy hair be down. Kagabi ini-wrap ko na rin ang scrapbook na ginawa ko, para mas magmumukha na talaga siyang regalo. May idinagdag rin ako na sulat doon. Nang pumatak na ng alas sais ay tinawagan ko na si Zanth. At agad naman niya itong sinagot.

"Hey. Can I see you and can we talk again?" pormal kong paki-usap sa kaniya. 

Sandaling katahimikan naman ang naanyag. Maya-maya pa ay sumagot na siya.

"Sure." walang gana niyang sagot. 

"Doon tayo magkikita sa dating tambayan natin. Thanks." huli kong sambut bago pinatay ang tawag.

I get my small purse and my gift for him. I looked at myself in the mirror again. "Ito na." I whispered. 

Lumabas na ako ng bahay at nag-taxi papunta sa tambayan namin ang coffee shop. When I arrived there, wala pa siya. Kaya doon ako umupo sa palaging pwesto namin kung pupunta kami dito. 

There's a lot of memories we made here. Dito kami nagsimulang nagkilala. Dito kami palaging nag-aaral. Dito kami nagmamahalan. Those routines and habits so much meant to me. I still want him to get everything he wants and above all else, I want him to be happy.