Love & Ruins (#2)

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-One: Maggie

I'm confident my heart and its naivety are going to be the death of me.

I've lived in a fantasy world for so long where all I did was play scenarios of what could've been, that it's hard for me to ground myself in what's concrete.

When that fantasy shattered, all things ideal quickly disintegrated, and I was pulled back to reality where the colors of the flowers paled and the air was poisoned with something that made my lungs cry for salvation. I couldn't accept it, I was scrambling for what felt familiar again. I didn't want this.

But I don't have a choice now, do I? I can't reverse time and I can't stop Evan if he no longer wants me. Feelings change along with the seasons, and we've already gone through spring, summer, and fall.

The cold has never felt so numbing.

There wasn't any deception involved, yet all I felt was betrayal. Why was that? Sure, he lied, but in the end, it's more about his privacy than it was about secrecy. He knows how much my emotions overflow that they're hard to contain, and he knows how easily they bleed right through the surface.

I was like a walking basin of emotions for the next couple of days. I was drained but at the same time, I felt as though I carried so much of my emotions on my back. Everything was overwhelming but I pushed myself to get through the day no matter how dampened my mood was.

We steered clear of the incident and decided not to bring it up, however, it was obvious we were just avoiding it instead of truly forgetting it. How could we when it felt as though we were just putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound?

I could only blame myself for the scratches done on my heart, he's absolved from the damages, and if I could I would just rip it out of my chest to spare us both the trouble. After all, I was the one that got attached and clung to something that was already slipping away.

Why did I even hope when I knew he wouldn't choose me? It was the most rational thought, as I put him through hell so many times, and those short-lived moments where we were happy couldn't compensate for the dent I left when I abandoned him.

Hope is a beautiful thing until it stumbles down the halls of my delusional mind.

Then again, it's all I have.

It felt as though I was dragging my body around like a sack of stone as I wandered through campus, my head weighed much more than I can handle with all the unsolicited thoughts I bore.

I told Evan it was nothing, that I understood where he was coming from and that I didn't take offense, but affirmations are easier said than done. I couldn't tell if he believed me either, but it compelled him not to bother me with the topic, and that's all that mattered.

However, at what cost? For me to handle this alone? It's selfish to drag him down with me just because I don't want to be the only one that suffered, even as you walk through hell you'd still want someone to hold your hand, for better or for worse.

But I'm not Eurydice and he's not Orpheus, I can't tell him how to guide me to safety only for him to lose me in the end. It's one-sided.

Still, that doesn't take away the isolation, as if I'm floating in the middle of the ocean with nothing to keep me buoyant. It's unbearable and the desperation for someone's company is going to eat me alive.

Yet no other company can suffice, it's that feeling where you crave another person's warmth but when someone does show up, it's still not enough, because you need a specific company, not just a person who can fill the void.