self harm warning 😐
i had promised san i would stop, i had sworn on everything.
i felt like the walls were closing in around me in this small bathroom in our studio apartment, i sat there on the floor propped up against the wall weakly as my only support. i don't know what happened, san's long hours working as an idol have done this to me. although i could never blame san, he has never done anything wrong to me, he loves me with his whole heart. everyday when he comes home he is just as loving as the first month we started dating. i love him so much.
i have always felt lonely, no matter what i was doing. intrusive thoughts making me think that everyone hates me no matter how much they say they love me. even when i'm at somewhere like a party, my friends around me dancing and singing, even when i am the one dancing and singing, i just feel so small and lonely. i had been self-harm free for many months, san loved this. i think i am about to break the streak, except this time i don't want to be living anymore. i just want it to end, all this suffering, i would rather be dead.
i grabbed the bag of razors i had strategically hidden behind the sink in the bathroom, the bag that i had supposedly thrown out all those months ago. i picked up a cold razor with my trembling and weak hands. i stared at my past attempts on my wrist that left scars on me. i took a deep breath before sinking one into my wrist like the old times, i shivered at the coldness of the razor and shed a tear at the stinging sensation that rippled through my arm. i carried on a few more times before i was satisfied, i slumped back against the wall slowly sliding down, until my head almost hit the floor.
i heard keys shaking and the front door swing open, followed by sans energetic voice echoing throughout the apartment. i heard him place his bag down and step foot in the bedroom, concern rising in his voice when he couldn't see me. yellow light slipped through the crack under the bathroom door letting him know of my whereabouts, however when he called my name i never replied, i was too weak. i stared at the blood trickling down my arm and let out a shaky sigh, i was not about to cry right now. i had planned this for so long.
i heard sans yells and then the door burst open next to me, i breathed heavily and continued staring right ahead of me. tears finally started to fall, my sobs finally started to escape. i felt san lifting me up in a bridal position and rush me over to our bed, flicking on the light. he reached into his bedside table and grabbed his first aid kit, slowly wrapping my wrists with bandages he had left over from his injuries he suffered from because of dancing. i leaned my head on his shoulder, still feeling weak, maybe it was from the blood i lost? i felt my eyes slowly start to shut, everything started to go quiet, suddenly darkness.
is my suffering finally over?
i woke up in a room that was painfully white, the large LED lights above me flickering. i regained consciousness and saw that familiar purple hair that i loved so much, san was sleeping in the armchair next to the bed that i had woke up in. i looked around, taking in my surroundings and sighed.
i saw san twitch in his sleep and then suddenly wake up, his eyes filling with happiness as he saw me. he immediately sprung up from the chair and pulled me into a hug gently, leaning on the bed.
"please don't leave me y/n" he said through a voice crack, mumbling into my hair
