Mom - I used to hate you so much
Because you tried to make me hate myself
I hated you when you cussed at me
You cussed at me when I fell sick
and then you had to tend to me
You cussed at me when I cried -
and I didn't cry for you would cuss at me.
You cussed at me when I hurt myself
and I wouldn't tell you because
I knew I would heal by myself and could bear the pain
but if I told you, you'll go insane
and you would cuss and cuss at me.
If I was heartbroken, I could not tell you my pain
for you would tell me that the only one to blame
would be no one but my pitiful self and I should hate myself.
You cussed at me because I was tenant in your house
and I never paid the rent and I was so expensive to keep.
And so I hated you for reasons I cannot count...
But now I am living with myself
and I am so in love with you Mother
because now I can finally realize
that I was indeed a terrible bother.
You tended to me when I was sick
but I am tired already of being sick
and treating myself and believing all willl be fine
but you took care of me
and I can't do the same.
I know that only I can hurt myself
and yet I expected you to tend to me
Of course it's me who has to bear the pain
I didn't understand that - how could I be so lame?
Heartbroken? Is that really a word?
Can't find that heart anywhere really -
whom was I kidding - I was always a heartless wreck
And yes it was me and only me who could be blamed.
I am so tired of living with myself
And yet you kept me as tenant when I would have
thrown myself out of the house a very long time ago.
I pay the rent and yet I can't live with myself
But you lived with me... did I deserve any of it?
And so Mother, I now love you for reasons I can't count
Because I hate myself so much that I can't believe
That you stayed by my side for as long as you could.
If I was you I would have killed myself or abandoned myself
but you made sure, you made sure that I would live...
You made sure that I would just live...
Long enough to realize how difficult it is to live with myself
