Endosymbiosis

35. Anxiety

Two noxdiems had passed since I had seen Arkadi. And even as the hours passed, I couldn't stop thinking about our conversation. I needed to distract myself and focus on the other thousands of problems I had, so I used my time to meet Venerna with Plumala.

That city was more than a haven for the revolution... It was a metropolis, more advanced and intriguing than any other city I had ever seen on Earth, teeming with life and dreams that gleamed from the tips of the revolution's blades. And the more I discovered the indentations of that cave, the more there was to know.

We descended the stairway carved out of the rock to one of the deepest levels of Venerna, where the black walls took on streaks of reddish hue that revealed the ages embedded in the rock. On one of the lower levels the slope opened up so we could see from a parapet the soldiers training below.

Some of them wore red uniforms, others blue, and a third group white. I watched them fight for a while, until I realized that the ones wearing blue always lost against the other two groups, while the red ones, even though looked more efficient, were always defeated by the ones in white, flawless and unbeatable. Were the weaker soldiers being branded with the blue uniforms?

But why?

We stopped our tour at a small restaurant carved into the wall, decorated with yellow dots of light hanging from thin ropes. We sat at a table up ahead, close to the railing, and watched the glittering river of Venerna down the boulder below.

"All the beauties and mysteries of this world at our feet and your eyebrows are still so furrowed... So worried..." Plumala whispered and I immediately softened my expression.

"With everything that's going on... It would be a dream if I weren't."

"Worry is the knowledge that you have no control over something." She said, giving me a drop of her wisdom. Maybe without that knowledge I wouldn't have any worries... Or maybe I wouldn't have worries if I had control. "What specifically is worrying you about everything that's going on?"

I couldn't tell her that I was uncertain about how much I could trust the rebellion, looking for answers about my mother's choices... And I also didn't want to tell her that I needed the distraction to escape my thoughts about that other human... But I had a lot of other concerns on my list to share.

"I don't know if I can live up to the expectations they placed on me..." I confessed. "I think they made a mistake in letting me in..."

"What I saw you do was not a mistake." I turned to her. "You had the same eyes as the creatures around, Donecea... And you belonged too much to call it a mistake."

I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad one.

"But what if I fail?"

"Well... With death there are no more worries to be felt... There is a consolation, after all, for our defeats."

I definitely couldn't fail.

"What are you doing here chatting?" Deinos' voice interrupted our conversation. "Get back to work! This revolution is not conversation-driven!"

And while I was being escorted back, I couldn't stop myself from saying:

"Maybe I should also train with those soldiers down there..." Deinos glared at me, only to laugh right in my face.

"Fragile creatures like you were not born for battle."

"And also not to leave Earth, but look where I am!" I tried, but he ignored me. "If, perhaps, I was awfully bad at fighting, would I receive some... Extra help?"

"You would be awfully bad indeed. That's why you won't train with them." The firmness of his order robbed me of the courage to insist. "And the worst ones don't get any help."

So why were they being selected to wear the blue outfits?

I couldn't ask that.

I was taken to a blood-draining station in a makeshift iatric room and spent most of my time there, covered in wires that sucked me through every artery...

And Arkadi was still in my mind.

I saw in his face his yearning to get closer, his thirst for my touch that he didn't want to slake, sacrificing his own desires for that painful distance. Had he never really wanted to get close all that time? Could it be that his looks, words, smiles and touches weren't as important for him as they were for me? Was I just gasoline to his ego? Or did he want me as much as I did want him and had a good reason not to give in to his own desires?

If he did, I wish it had been at least worth the fight... I wish I had been worth the effort of not being a bastard.

I had to get him out of my head. Surgically, if necessary.

But before I could, on the third noxdiem since the night around the campfire, Plumala joined me again.

"They're meeting now." She warned.

"One more night of games and drinks?" I asked indifferently, while keeping my eyes focused on the work of connecting those wires to my body.

"No." Her seriousness caught my eye. "They are going to plan the next attack on the Empire."

And that was enough to lead me to the leaders.

• • • ֍ • • •

They were once again consumed by the weight of war, so different from the light creatures that laughed and cheered on that night by the campfire full of stars and drinks... I wondered if, in case I did spent too much time in the bowels of Itopis, those heavy layers would grow around me too...

Slowly I approached the circle, keeping myself outside while Plumala took up her position in the line. She was new here too, but she had whole towns of columbas with her. Who was I in comparison?

"My soldiers are prepared for the next combat." Korrok roared at everyone. "We're going to attack the Protection District!"

I raised an eyebrow. The world of fageines? The one who had given me a ship to reach the Queen and then sent me into the burning depths of a sun? I sent a slender look at the metriona, joining the vorrampe at the center of Venerna, with the golden armor of his skin and that horn I always wondered who had broken. He could had be involved in that choice... Perhaps to show that he was on my side; perhaps to destroy those who could feed my desire to destroy their aericosis...

I averted my face when he sent those eyes to me.

"The fageines are organized. So we need a really good attack strategy this time." Korrok continued. "Any suggestion?"

Absolute silence.

What was a "very good" strategy for Korrok? Nobody seemed to want to risk it.

Until a timid murmur rose in the cave:

"I have an idea..."Arkadi, at the other end of the circle and also outside it.

He had his hands in his pockets, burying himself in that cause, as if dedicating his neurons to that revolution was no big deal. I could practically hear his heart beating in the distance as if it were inside my own ears; and hated knowing mine beat the same, wanting to hug him just so I could be hugged.

No other species manifested. So we all listened intently to his plan until he was no longer afraid of what he had to say...

Because the ones who should fear now were our enemies.

Apparently it was not in vain that Earth was known as the War District.