Endosymbiosis

43. Rumination

Third circle of the Empire
Venerna

Doxy ran up the tower stairs, but I couldn't leave her alone in this state and in this monstruous universe. I warned Korrok that I was taking the ship and offered to take her back to Venerna, which Doxy reluctantly accepted.

As we approached the top of the slope where the city hid she muttered:

"I need to get down... I need to breathe..."

I parked the ship on the grass, and Doxy stumbled into the raging wind that blew across the misty meadow. I followed her out of the ship, my eyes filled with the brightness from the lightning that exploded into the sea and my ears by the thunder of the gathering storm. Was that what was going on in her mind too?

"I didn't know it was her, Doxy..." I tried. "If it really was her."

"Would it have mattered?" She stopped and sent me a stern look over her shoulder. "If you knew it was Gaxy, would you have stopped yourself from pulling the trigger?"

"No." I confessed, and then she walked away again. Maybe if I had known I was aiming for an Aulic, I would have lived with less guilt... "But if I knew it was her, I wouldn't have hidden it from you."

"Thanks for the honesty." She didn't sound grateful. "But that doesn't change the fact that you killed someone!"

"You wouldn't be so angry if there wasn't a possibility that it was her!" I growled, just to hit her, and the pain in her eyes made me instantly regret it. "I didn't have a choice, Doxy... Either I joined the revolution, or I was devoured by the collectors... I would never have done that if I had another alternative..."

There hadn't been a moment when I hadn't hated myself for my actions; not a moment had passed when I hadn't wondered what my life would be like if I'd never pulled that trigger... Maybe I wouldn't even be breathing anymore; or maybe I would be too far away, without the weight of taking a life on my conscience...

I often found myself dreaming that my victim had been a terrible murderer, in an attempt to lessen the feeling that I had made a mistake... But deep down, I knew I had killed an innocent, a cog that needed to be discarded so that the machinery that imprisoned us could continue to function. Sometimes I found myself thinking I was just doing my job, but that never helped me sleep better at night. No one had moved my finger around the trigger; that was my choice, my mistake, my burden to carry...

I had hoped that, when I left, it would all be long behind, but something told me that no matter where I went, I could never escape what my life had become: an echo of that screaming silence, tattooed across my brain in a brand which I tried to learn to live with, only to find out that it wasn't living what I was doing.

"I know that, for you, each life is worth more than anything, but sometimes lives are the price for living one more day in this Empire!" I yelled, trying to be heard over the thunder. "I'm sorry if you're so perfect that you..."

"I killed a soldier in the Poison District!"

I stopped, beneath her voice, the roar of thunder and the ocean of obsidian crashing against the stone slope. Black storm clouds grayed the sky, lightning flashed on the horizon where sea and clouds mingled and furious winds swept our hair. It was impossible to define which was more chaotic: her or the storm above.

"I killed him with my bare hands..." She confessed, staring at her fingers as if they were made of pure death and pain. "I tried to cure him of the rebellion's control with my blood, but it killed him... Because that's what I'm here for..."

"Did you try to... Sabotage the revolution?" I couldn't believe it... So much effort to join the cause I was fighting for, just for her to try to destroy it?! So many promises of a better Empire, just to try to fight the only ones who were trying to reach it?! "I should show Korrok the memories of this conversation..."