Endosymbiosis

44. Loneliness

The night of the next noxdiem I searched for Kadi in his room, because he had been missing all day. But he wasn't there. Was he running away from me? Avoiding me after I tried to destroy those who would take him where he so longed to go? He had sacrificed so much of himself for that cause... And now so much pain was pouring out of his eyes when he thought about what he had done for it... I didn't want to hurt him anymore, even though I didn't agree with what the metriona was doing.

I looked for Kadi on the Hasta, hiding in the Venerna parking lot. I pushed open the door slowly, into the stony darkness of the room, but Kadi wasn't there. Maybe he was on the dashboard. Before I could climb up, however, I saw that the previously locked drawer beside his bed was open. I was immediately attracted to the mystery. The last time all I wanted to know was if that was the place where he hid his fortunes; but now I wanted to understand him, to discover his hidden truths, to know the curses in the drawers he kept locked... And in that one he kept a pistol.

Kadi might had an arsenal spread over every inch of that ship, but that weapon locked beside his bed was different... How many times had he looked at it and considered using it? How many times had he unlocked and locked that drawer to keep the darkness out of reach? And how long had he kept it away, only to face it again that night?

I climbed into the dashboard area and studied the dark surroundings, my footsteps taking me into an emptiness that now felt so strangely familiar. Kadi was asleep in his chair, the key that had opened that drawer dangling dangerously from his fingers and his face peaceful now that he wasn't in pain; quiet, now that he wasn't afraid; serene, dreaming of perfect days in some secluded paradise...

I silently walked over to the copilot's chair and sat down hoping it would wake him up for me, but it didn't make any noise.

Kadi had fixed it... Now that there was someone to use it.

But even with the silence, his eyelids lifted, heavy as if waking up for the first time after so many lost lives. His eyes fell on me, and, as we watched each other in the silent darkness, surrounded by the black rocks behind the ship's front window, the words staggered out of my mouth:

"Why are you holding the key?" And not the weapon...

He played with it between his fingers for a moment and I held my breath, as if the key could go off by itself.

"Because it doesn't look dangerous..." He whispered. "She looks like an... Opportunity; as if hiding freedom behind some door..."

"But that's not what it keeps, is it?" He did not answer. "I saw your weapon, Kadi... Why do you keep it by the bed?"

He tensed his jaw muscles.

"Because my worst enemy is too close... And I just want to get rid of him..." Something told me he wasn't referring to fevino.

"What..." I should have known what to say, but now that I was staring at the emptiness in his eyes, it felt like I'd forgotten all about it. "What are you feeling?"

"I don't know..." Kadi swallowed. "Sometimes all I want is to jump off the edge of the cliff... Because I know nothing will hold me back. And that the ground will hurt just as the whole world did..." The anguish in his words hurt me as if it were mine. "That would at least be familiar... Like home."

I blinked, so as not to let the tears pool in my eyes.

"Are you thinking about..." I was so afraid of the answer that I almost couldn't finish asking it. "Giving up?"

"Not yet... Not before I'm halfway to hell."

And there was that word he sometimes used, his voice with a bitterness that sent shivers down my spine.

"What is this 'hell' exactly?"

"A very, very bad place..."

"I thought you were going home."

He cracked a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"It's as close to a home as I deserve."

I leaned toward him and took his hands in mine carefully, as if they could crumble to dust between my fingers at any moment.

"You're not the monster you think you are, Kadi..." I whispered. He shouldn't need someone to help him understand his worth, and I shouldn't take that as a mission... But how could I deny helping him when he needed me? When did he need someone? "You are not alone, Kadi. Not anymore."

"For so long I thought loneliness was the solution..." He shook his head from side to side. "Because by myself I didn't have to worry about losing anyone... Not even myself, as no one would miss me..." He swallowed hard. I wanted to remind him that he didn't need to leave, that he didn't need to condemn himself to loneliness anymore... But I just kept silent. "It's as if I could scream and no matter how much I destroyed my throat, no one would ever hear me... As if I never screamed..."

"I'm here... To hear from your screams to your lowest whispers..." His exhalation warmed us as I tried to keep up that bridge between us where he could hold on when he was close to collapsing. "All I ask is that you be here for me too..."

"I am, Doxy... But there is no 'forever' for beings like us." It pained me to know how true that was. I could almost catch his thoughts, gnawing inside his scars drained by time of their ability to recover. "And sometimes not even 'long enough'."

I wanted to ask him if it was fair how much I would miss when he was gone, but when I looked into his eyes, I saw someone who might never leave me; someone who, if didn't gave up now, might never. Would he cross that line to be by my side? Would I be worth it? He sighed, his walls still there, high and impenetrable... But as much as I wanted him to open his doors for me, I was already glad to know he wasn't crumbling behind them.

Kadi stared at me and then whispered, his voice caressing me, sweet as melted caramel and true as people didn't used to be:

"Thanks, Doxy."

I planted a gentle butterfly kiss on his cheek and curled up in my chair, leaving him alone on that bridge with his thoughts. I kept my eyes open like lighthouses, shouting to the ships lost in his storm that I was on the other side if he wanted to cross; that there would be a port to dock in this universe of endless oceans if he got tired of facing the waves alone... And there I spent the entire night, unable to sleep.

When there was no doubt that his eyes roamed dreams behind closed lids, I took the key from his fingers and locked that drawer with all its dangers Kadi had let slip out. And when I went back to the copilot's chair – my chair – I finally let myself fall asleep.