SoMS:2 (Jenlisa)

ten

Lisa

The woman sat opposite us in a moss green armchair, a gentle smile on her face.

She was waiting for me to say something. They both were.

"Umm, I agree with what Jennie said."

To the left of me Jen shuffled uncomfortably, crossing one leg over the other. That isn't the answer they wanted to hear. I know that.

"Why don't I rephrase that question Lalisa. Tell me what your expectations are of this session. Remember, there's no judgement here."

I glanced at Jen, before focusing back on Dr Dara with a shrug. Narrow almond eyes bore into mine and I could feel my palms getting sweatier with each tick of the grandfather clock. The rain had been heavy outside again today, and I glanced down at my damp feet, instantly regretting my choice to wear open-toed heels. I just wanted to look put together for our first session, as if that would somehow give off the impression that we didn't really need therapy. Why I agreed to come here in the first place, I'll never know.

Okay that was a lie.

I agreed to come here because I'm desperate to fix things. Properly.

For years I brushed off blatant issues in my previous marriage, bottling up every tiny grievance I had against Jae until I finally snapped. This time I want things to be different.

They have to be different.

Jennie reached over to squeeze my hand, reminding me that I'd just been asked a question.

"Okay, well... I suppose I don't have many expectations."

"And why is that?"

"How could I have expectations when I don't know what to expect."

"I take it this is your first time in counselling of any kind?" I nodded. "Does the same go for you Jennie?"

"No, I'm familiar with most of the process."

I tried to mask the fact this was new to me, but I think the way I abruptly turned to my left gave it away. Dr Dara took a moment to write in her notepad and whilst she was distracted, I attempted to converse with Jen using my eyes.

Why didn't you tell me you've been in therapy before?

It's no big deal, she tilted her head.

But don't we tell each other everything?

Her eyes widened for a moment before shrinking, Let's not do this right now-

"Lisa, something tells me this news comes as a shock to you. How does this make you feel?"

Again I was caught off guard, like a kid with their hand in the cookie jar. "Err, it makes me feel upset?"

Dara chuckled, leaning back slightly in her chair. "Try not to answer questions with a question. Be assertive with how you convey your emotions. Let's try that again. How does Jennie attending therapy in her past, and not disclosing this to you, make you feel?"

My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out. We've only been here ten minutes and I'm already freaking out. How pathetic.

"It makes me feel ashamed." She stayed silent indicating to me that I needed to elaborate. "It makes me feel ashamed because, as Jennie's partner, I feel I should have known more about her past, the same way she knows all about mine. It also made me feel inadequate as a companion."

"Do you often have thoughts revolving around inadequacy?"

"I don't know. Maybe?"

Again, Dr. Dara was quiet, writing in her book before turning to Jen.