It was an rainy (how to spell this shit) Sunday when Jesus walked to church to hold his weekly speech. Judas and Petrus (the only names I remember) were walking with him, and all were kinda depri, because Ed Sheeran didnt wanna sign their matching shrek socks. They were driving in their local toot toot train. They kinda ported there idk I was too lazy to write how they ended up there, and jesus was writing his text on his hand so he wouldnt forget it. When they arrived at church, Jesus took an deep blow on his joint and trew it in the crowd (like an wedding flower thing). An hot oger catched it and winked at Jesus.
The son of god started blushing when he realized that was his crush and idol Shrek. At the meanwhile Shrek started giving the joint and blowjob. Hot liquid was running down Jesus face as his nose started dripping from nosebleed. The crowd was getting upset and started whispering, so Judas pulled Jesus aside, and started playing the kazoo. Jesus started to get out of his trance and walked up to the altar and held his speech. He looked for the hot oger in the crowd but he couldnt find him anymore.
When that lame church thing finally ended, Jesus rolled up an joint and got on his way home. Mother Mary was already waiting at the door, waving at him. But when Jesus got closer he noticed that she wasnt waving at him, but at Angela Merkel who walked fresh as always straight up in the house and gave mother mary an wet kiss on the cheek. Jesus went to his room and locked the door to be alone and listen to My cemical romance, his black eyeliner streaming down his face. Suddenly an bird hit his window. Jesus opened it carefully, trying (not) to hurt the bird.
"TATAKAE"
"Ah sheet that ain't no bird, that is actually EREN YAEGER. Dayum bro wouldn't have guessed so. " With those words he yeeted the bird out of the window.
He sit down on his swag lightning mc queen bed and started to cry about how shitty his life is. * starts beatboxing *
Then the doorbell rang. Jesus got into his cute lil uwu Peter rabbit shoes and walked to the door only to see JOHN CENAAAAA (duh duh duh duhhhhh).
"Ayo stfu your stupid music is too loud. And everyone can hear u crying"
"B- but S- senpai... I- I'm so sorry UWU."
"Dont call me that"
"B- but oniii-channn"
"The actual- I am leaving"
John went away and didn't even look at him.
* Peter pops out of nowhere *
"Hes totally into you"
"Y- you think s- so? B- but theres s- so many other people in this c- city"
"Naww man he totally likes you"
*disappears in an cloud of glitter *
'M- maybe he is my edgy neighbor!' Jesus thought. 'I've read enough fanfictions, I know how to handle this' (he didnt)
Anygays time to change location cuz I said so.
