A/N: Art credits to my great friend Tessy aka a lesbian maniac <333
ALSO THIS CONTAINS SMUT WHICH IS VERY QUESTIONABLE SO PREPARE THE HOLY WATER PLS
~Jesus pov~
I was watching James Charles streaming a new makeup look while shagging a child in public, when I spotted this ABSOLUTE HOT BOMBSHELL in the background, he was grey, which does seem kinda unhealthy, now that I think about it, had a pointy nose and deep brown eyes and a lot of very manly chest hair, so basically he was SO my type * manic laugh*. I swiped into James description and saw a link to this hotties Instagram, so I instantly started stalking his account.
From just a few minutes, I instantly figured out everything, like where he lives, what his favorite dinner-place is, what his job was and what his interests are.
Apparently he was a cook from Ohio, in the Ed Sheeran Shrine, which was like suuuuper classy and shit and actually a very VIP slay place where only he cool motherfuckers like Phillip Amthor, Alice Weidel and Annegret Fucking-double-name, so I deffo had to go there too, maybe Phil would sign my very holy big man tits ASKSKKSKSKkS LIKE LITERALLY I WOULD NEVER WASH MY TITS AGAIN!
Anyways I got flowers and lots of condoms and shit and made my way to the legendary Ed Sheeran Shrine. When I arrived at the door, a very buff Toothless greeted me like super drunk. This dude was the bouncer, but couldn't even look straight anymore and that dude is supposed to be professional HAH! So I quickly trew some confetti at him, to distract him. Then I pulled out a glitter canon and shot it at him. So while he was distracted, I quickly slid into the Shrine and instantly pulled my flowers out. I sat down in the last corner, to not be as suspicious even tho that probably made me even more suspicious. I ordered some Vodka E and waited until my crush's shift began. I sat there for like half an hour, getting more and more drunk and doing more drugs than I should have, but after that time passed, he finally showed up.
He was with a ginger friend, who also looked like Ed Sheeran and Tartaglia, but even more ugly. Literally you could easily tell who's the attractive friend. While he was wearing a plain crop-top reading "Daddy's boy", my mysterious love wore a classy suit, that showed all of his muscles and curves.
"Ayo Remi check out that dumbass twink over there, in the back of the shrine", the ginger loudly stated.
I heartbroken started tearing up, when Remi slapped his friend with his long ass dick and made his way over to my table. That was when I realized he only wore the Blazer of the suit and nothing underneath. His dick looked so big, I don't even think it would fit inside of me, but at the second thought, I was the immortal son of god so why tf should I back off just because a dude has a big dick? I mean what is the worst thing that could happen, I thought to my horny self, while still sobbing, over this mean comment.
"Ayo Babygurl, don't let dat cunt hurt ya, will ya?"
"N- n- n- n- no d- d- daddy U- UwU"
"Are ya single or do you have bitches gurl?", he growled at me romantically.
I could feel myself getting a little more excited. He noticed too and leaned over me, cupping my face with his hands.
"Am I making you flustered that easily, Babeybird?"
"Y- y- y- y- yes D- d- d- d- daddy OwO", I stuttered.
I could feel my COMRADE getting brick hard and I felt myself creaming my pants. He grabbed me by the collar and pulled me behind the counter, where he pulled a huge key out of his ass and put it in a keyhole, that I only now noticed, that he revealed it. When all of a sudden, a hole opened up and we both fell for a few seconds, before I hit the ground hardly, what I couldn't feel at that moment though, because I was so high on drugs. For a couple seconds everything around me gets dizzy and smudged.
When my sight finally cleared again, I saw Remi stripping off his blazer and revealing a pink zipper, which made me like REALLY jealous LIKE I'M LITERALLY THE SON OF GOD, WHY DON'T I GET A PINK ZIPPER?!? He slowly walked towards me and whispered: "Unzip it Kitten~~", in my ear.
I trembled as I spread my fingers and gently grabbed it~~~~
