always forever ☆ sunny suljic.

killshot

i feel odd. 

good odd, don't worry. butterflies in my tummy type odd. it's like i'm alive for the first time. i mean, actually tasting life in its true sense - with all the good and all the bad, taking it to the fullest.  it's like my first ever breath of air or my first time seeing the stars at night or some shit. 

sunny was kissing me for a while now. it honestly seemed to me that time stopped though - we were beyond that. i always thought people kissed just to showcase their relationships in public, as if public display of affection could make up for all the little cracks of mistrust in their everyday connection, orrr maybe just because they were bored, so making out was the easiest way out. my point is, i never imagined myself actually enjoying it so much. this is the type of stuff you only see in movies, all glamorized, making you think you could live it yourself. but this kiss was different. it wasn't happening just to be happening, it wasn't a teenage-must-do simply ticked off your mental list of experiences ‐ it was real, somehow.

sunny's lips were soft. he was slow but determined, and somehow my mouth knew how to respond to his, even though i've only done this like twice before. i could feel the water dripping down from my hair onto my back, but it wasn't cold because his warmth was surrounding me. i found myself sitting on his lap, and i had no intention of thinking how i got there, i just enjoyed it.

as all good things, it had a great effect on me - him, i mean. i wanted more, i wanted it so much that my heart started racing and i felt kind of sick. his hands were holding onto my waist, drawing circles probably out of his own nervousness. it was only when his fingers started going lower that i realized what was happening, and it came crashing down onto me all of a sudden.

'sunny' i spoke eventually. he pulled away. i instantly felt that magnetic thing between us fade, lingering on my lips. i would lie if i said i didn't want to kiss him again. my eyes trailed off - where did my t-shirt go?

'fuuck' i said more to myself, trying to collect what was left of my common sense and emotions. i did not think this thorough, yet it doesn't seem like a situation you could anticipate easily. embarrassment stained my expression and i could tell he could tell, which made it worse.

'what?' he asked. truth is, i chickened out. i wanted it, something inside of me was practically begging me to sit back down - but my brain wouldn't let me. all the memories of shame and guilt came back to me, the whispers on the hallway, my messed up locker, fucking estee, all of it was eating me alive. there were no more butterflies or sparks, just us, sitting in the stupid bathtub and pretending like we can actually be something together.

i got up, abruptly, which caused my vision to interrupt a little. i took a deep breath in and stepped out of the tub, 'i like you. i know i've said it before but i really do, and i'm gonna say it until you believe me enough to respond!' sunny stated behind me. the echo of the bathroom somehow gave me the sensation his voice was wrapping around me, trapping me into his little game - he knew i wanted to admit it. i tried my best not to let it show on my face that i hated him for knowing me too well, in that particular moment. i stepped out of the bathroom, a little dizzy, probably on my own feelings.

'julie! psst julie!' i caught her attention as she was just leaving gio's room, which was right next to the bathroom. 'what did you do in there huh?' i asked, serving her one of my you-know-what looks. i did that hoping she wouldn't question how i spent my time. she rolled her eyes, already done with my fooling around. 'what did we do? what did you and sunny do?' she glared at me curiously, imitating my own stare. 'nothing! we did absolutely nothing' i replied, already feeling embarrassed. 

'mhm well...' i didnt let her finish the sentence because i... i honestly dont know. i felt weird and i wanted her to know i didnt do anything. well, anything is a vague word - more like the thing. maybe i just wanted to ask if she was ever as fucking terrified of it as i was. i don't know, i guess i'll figure it out, but for now i have to explain myself, 'it really is nothing! i mean it, like it s embarrassingly nothing!' i insisted.

'your t-shirt is on backwards, idiot'

wow, i really outdid myself with this one, didn't i? i quickly took off my t-shirt and turned it around. i caught up to julie again. after i asked her for the 100th time, she told me what happened with gio and how they're 'kind of' dating. i was happy for her and also for not having to talk more about my stuff. that doesn't mean it wasn't staining my mind and wouldn't leave though. all i could see when i closed my eyes was sunny, but not just sunny, him looking at estee the same way he looked at me back there. jealousy and anger came back to me, like the refills of everyone's cups at this stupid party. except i wasn't having a pleasant refill, but a dirty, bad one of toxic feelings i'm trying my best to ignore.

i don't know why i'm so troubled.

- - - - - - - - -

it was already pretty late, around 12am, and we were outside gio's house, each waiting to go home. me and julie were actually waiting for ryder, who wasn't responding to my texts. we were sitting down on one of the street borders. estee and her friends were just leaving too, which meant we were sort of the only ones left here. gio was saying goodbye to everyone, and he turned his head to smile at julie which made me internally scream (in a good way again). i successfully avoided sunny until now, but i had a gut feeling my victory was about to end. my thought was interrupted by a car honk. there was a pretty old lady, someone's mom i suppose.

oh. someone's.

that someone, if you couldn't tell, was the someone. my someone, if you will. i saw sunny rush to the car, greeting his mom with the biggest smile on his face. she wasn't looking at him though, she was looking at...us. uh-oh.

'i'll give you a ride home too girls, come on!' she shouted at us enthusiastically. i glared at julie but it was too late, she was sold on the idea. i could tell she was tired, so i didn't want to annoy her and refuse. sunny didn't dare to look at me, i noticed he was awkward, but i couldn't even worry about him, i had to make sure his mom wouldn't sense the tension.

'c-can i sit at the front? i'm not feeling so good...' julie asked and sunny's mom instantly nodded. great.

being stuck with sunny in the backseat wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. his mom tried to make some small talk, which was comforting in a way. i think my mom would freak out if she saw i hung out with people. anyway, i could see he was stealing glances at me from time to time, and i'm still mad at myself for enjoying that maybe just as much as what we did earlier. he started playing with my hand, intertwining our fingers and doing corny stuff to get my attention. i didn't give him the response he wanted probably, because he leaned closer and whispered, 'i forgot to tell you but, you look very pretty'. that got me, probably because it was so late and i was tired from both the party and avoiding admitting i might like him back. he was happy with my big smile and looking away because he started chuckling and went back to his seat.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

we dropped julie off first and i told sunny's mom to leave me at the start of the street instead of in front of my house. i didn't tell her why, but i was scared my parents would be home and see them. she didn't insist, unlike sunny who was very determined to 'get me home safely'. we got out of the car and i thanked his mom again, then we started walking towards my house.

there it was again, the comfortable silence. after reaching a safe distance from his mom's car, he grabbed my hand and started swinging them back and forth. he then, out of nowhere, started singing 'put your head on my shoulder' to me, overly dramatic and pretty funny. i was questioning if he's drunk at this point, 'sunny, shut up, no seriously, shhhh' i tried to shut him up as we reached the front of my house. the lights were off, but that didn't guarantee anything, so sunny had to leave as soon as possible.

but he didn't want to, he kept serenading me. 'sunnyyyy, shut up!' i tried to cover his mouth but he would just pull away and make me chase him. 'shut upp' i said again, grabbing his arm. 'make me then' he insisted. i huffed in annoyance, pulled him closer and pecked his lips, 'now leave'.

'are you scared they're gonna see me?' he asked as he started walking backwards, his tone playful. 'nah, i'm scared you're gonna see them... night loser!' i waved and blew a kiss, then entered my house.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - a/n :

hope u enjoyed and thank you so much for all the support, i did not expect people to actually like this book haha <33  !!! i had sm fun writing that last bit of this chapter, i'm excited to start working on the next one. sending big hugs to u all !!