What I Should Have Done ✓

Chapter 26

John smiled at me across the room. How dare he. After avoiding me for almost two weeks, all but ignoring me in class, and running off right after—now he had the audacity to smile at me? And the worst part was: my heart seemed to forget its fury and skipped a beat. I quickly averted my gaze and stared at Professor Wolf instead. I need to be better.

As interesting as the lecture was, my thoughts couldn't have been further from the increasing salience of the conflict which eventually led to the Civil War. I could not believe him. Why did I even like this guy? I knew it the first day I saw him: he was a player. Hot one day and cold the next. John Jay was nothing like Liam. So what if Liam didn't make my body burn up whenever he was near? I was comfortable with him. He was a model student and dependable and emotionally balanced. All things John was not. And yet he had the nerve to send me this stupid dazzling smile of his that was never just a smile because just a smile wouldn't have made my stupid stomach flutter.

By the time class was dismissed, I was fuming. All of my things flew in my backpack haphazardly and my feet carried me out into the hallway to stomp off. A hand caught my elbow, stopping me in my tracks.

"Grace, a word?"

Staring straight ahead, I deadpanned: "That was three already."

He let go of my arm allowing me to turn around. "Come on, don't be like that. I want to see if you're okay."

I shouldn't be like this? Anger sealed my vocal cords and not a word came out of my open mouth even though I had a lot of thoughts. He seemed to sense the situation was about to get out of hand, so he gently pulled me in the direction of the exit. I didn't trust myself not to attack him if he were to insist I talk to him, so I quickened my pace and took the usual path toward the library. The idea of forced silence sounded like deliverance right about now. John and I needed different things: he needed to leave me alone and I needed to scream internally.

Of course, being the stubborn idiot that he was, he fell into step beside me. "You know I'll outrun you any day."

I swear to God. The sidewalk looked like it was covered in a thin coat of confectioner's sugar, and the temperature had dropped quite a bit since last week, so my chestnut brown faux-suede winter boots going into their third season had been the right choice—a gift for starting college from Grampa. Oh, if only he were here to help me make sense of this outrage.

As we took the shortcut across the lawn, John finally cleared his throat. "Are you going to keep ignoring me?"

"That's rich coming from you," I snapped, now pushing through the library entrance and keeping my eyes glued ahead. I stormed up the stairs.

"Would you stop?" he asked with irritation in his voice when we had reached the second floor and pulled me to a halt by my arm. Someone shushed him which he barely acknowledged. I ripped myself from his touch, but stood, scowling.

He lowered his voice, if only slightly. "Things got pretty crazy the other week. I want to know how you are. Check in."

The library was crazy busy at this time of the semester, and clicking keyboards and turning pages would have normally calmed me down, but I was too upset this time.

"Please, don't feel obliged. I know you have someplace better to be and someone better to see." My voice dripped with bitter venom of resentment.

Liam had stopped by my room the day after the incident, called and texted, he been worried sick about me. Jessica had comforted and supported me, even Devin had checked in. But all this time, not a word from John. On the contrary, he had looked like he would have taken back words that he had once said to me if he had been able to.