What I Should Have Done ✓

Chapter 38

After a second impromptu sleepover at John's and Devin's obnoxious, triumphant, knowing smirk all throughout breakfast, it was hard to peel myself off John, but I had some more unfinished business to take care of. After kissing John goodbye at the door for five minutes, I found myself in Allen, climbing the stairs to Jessica's floor. My heart was beating fast, partly due to my swift mounting the naked concrete steps, partly because I needed this to go right.

Not coming with a prepared script had served me well twice yesterday, so quickly, before I could think too much, I knocked on her cracked door. She called for me to come in. It was obvious she had expected one of her first-years, so when she saw me, surprise followed by a whirlwind of other emotions crossed her face. She sat at her desk, turned around in the chair 90 degrees so her left arm was propped up on the back of the bulky wooden seat. Behind her, snow was hitting the window pane and the bare tree branches were wrapped in a white blanket.

"Do you have a minute?"

Jessica shifted her eyes onto the floor. "Of course."

I quietly closed the door behind me, untied my boots and stepped out of them. Then I took off my coat and placed it on the blue rectangular rug in the center of the room before lowering myself beside it and crossing my legs.

"Jessica, I'm so sorry. I hate fighting with you."

"You're sorry? Are you kidding? I was the worst! Snapping at you the way I did—looking back, I don't even recognize myself at that moment."

"No, you were right. I was so self-involved that I forgot to check in with you. You're my best friend and I've neglected you. You need me, too, and I should have been a better friend to you."

She averted her eyes to keep them from clouding over, though to little avail.

"I wasn't right. You know I'm here for you no matter what. I know you get this... hyperfocused on things sometimes and I should have been more understanding. But Gracie—" She swallowed hard. "I couldn't function. I wasn't okay and I took it out on you. I'm still not okay."

You're scaring me. Was she sick? Had a family member been in an accident? Literally anything seemed possible to me, judging by her emotional state, which I knew she was even still curbing.

"Jess, what happened?"

She forced herself to form the words that passed her lips with such difficulty, even at a whispered volume: "Martin dumped me."

Her confession hit me like a punch in the gut. Martin dumped her? But they had been together for, what, six years? The gaping hole of my open mouth, I didn't know how to fill it with words. Jessica squeezed her eyes shut and tried unsuccessfully to keep the leakage from their corners at bay.

"Oh my God," I finally stammered, then took her hand and gently pulled her onto the rug with me where she buried her head in my shoulder and erupted in aggressive sobs as I hugged her tightly.

All the while, I ran a hopefully soothing hand over her head and made reassuring sounds. Her body trembled violently and her tears soaked the shoulder of my sweater. This may have been the first time she had said out loud what must have happened over winter break. She had carried this with her for weeks and I hadn't been there for her. She cried and sobbed and whimpered, and I didn't know what to do but hold her. After half an eternity, she had calmed down enough to accept a couple of paper tissues I got her from the box on 'my' desk. Her eyes and nose were red and puffy.

"I told him I was thinking about applying to Monterey, but that even if I went, it would only be two years and then we could still move to DC and he said he wasn't sure he wanted that anymore."

"What, why?"

Seeing Jessica like this shattered my heart when twenty minutes ago, I had been over the moon and had had nothing on my mind but John John John. How merciless and brutal was life to give me this happiness but take Jessica's away from her? It didn't make sense. Jessica had always been with Martin. They were a model couple despite the long distance. They were supposed to make it. If they hadn't made it, how could anyone else?

"I don't know." She blew her nose. "He said he didn't feel the same anymore." Her voice was shaky and tear-soaked.

"Do you think he may only need some time and will come around?"

She shook her head with closed eyes and half inhaled, half sobbed. The corners of her mouth were contorted in pain and my chest physically ached for her. I wanted to do something to alleviate her suffering. If I had been able to take the pain instead of her, I would have.

"Okay, Jessica, here's what we're going to do: you go take a hot shower and use that heavenly passion fruit shower gel your abuelita got you, I will run to get us some hot chocolate mix from my room, and then we're going to crawl in bed and watch the stupidest comedy we can find online, alright?"

She sniffled and shot a glance at the stack of notes on her desk, but then nodded.

"I love you and you'll get through this," I told her and squeezed her one more time before helping her up.

To John, I shot a quick text: 'Best friend emergency. I'll see you tomorrow.'