Most of the Time

Chapter 17

I love driving with Lily. There are few people who make me comfortable enough to close my eyes in a car and Lily is one of them. She doesn't drive like she owns the road. Though driving in Texas compares to playing Mario Kart in real life, she doesn't drive like she's trying to win. She keeps her eyes on the road. Most people I get in a car with, like my mom or Sam, like to turn their heads and look at you every so often during a conversation to catch your expressions. Lily is okay with just hearing my voice. I also do not have to worry about explaining my weird car habits. Why I grip the handle on the car door, become even less conversational, and sometimes even breath heavier.

She knows me better than anyone. We became friend's freshman year of high school when our English teacher gave us assigned seats and placed us next to each other. I'm assuming Mrs. Jones thought that placing me, a quieter kid, next to the social butterfly that is Lily then she would save a lot of time trying to quite the class down. She soon realized the power Lily has in getting everyone around her to match her energy. In that class and all the classes I would later have with her, I became as loud as she was. In high school people were shocked that we were friends because we were so different. We hung out with different people. She hung out with the cooler crowd. She knew everyone high school deemed as important. I was more focused on school. I had my friends outside of Lily, but they were not nearly as known as she was. We would part for class or even lunch and soon meet up outside afterschool or during passing periods after the bell ended class to catch up and even play wrestle.

Senior year was when the friends dwindled, and it became apparent that it would just be Lily and I. After the car accident and while taking my many prescription drugs, I suffered dramatic mood swings. Some moments I felt as if I had just smoked a joint, numb, and free. Other times I was angry and mad at the world for putting me though so much pain. I wasn't much fun to be around then, but Lily understood. When others decided I was too much, she never left. I owe Lily so much. And I let her down. Between tearing an intestine and the later infection I spent around 3 weeks in the hospital and lot of time laying in bed or laying on the couch feeling the weakest I ever felt. Lily visited often. The moment I could walk after my surgery she forced me to put on the prom dress that I didn't get to wear and conspired with the nurses and Angie to turn the whole floor into a mini prom. I was eighteen so I wasn't on the floor with other kids but with sick, older, understandably angry people, so they didn't join in as much. But that was okay because it was exactly the way prom night would have gone. Just Lily and I. Though I'm sure she would have forced me into dancing with random guys I probably wouldn't recognize in our senior class of 801 and Justin. She brought fresh berries and melon to the house because she knows I liked them best. My dad worked at lot so when he couldn't, she helped clean my surgery wound and my infection tube holes, even the one on my butt. She helped me wrap my stomach in plastic wrap so I wouldn't get my wounds wet during a shower. She offered to bath me, but I thought that was too much. My mom couldn't stand to see my stomach plainly open, so she wasn't involved in the messy stuff.

My car was totaled. If there was a word beyond totaled, I would use it because it was completely destroyed. The car accelerated out of my control; I tell myself it was car malfunction every day. I don't know if I believe it yet. I accelerated about 220 yards into a tree. Hard. It spun and next thing I knew I was dragged out of the car and soon onto a stretcher. I threw up, my clothes were cut off my body. I still miss those blue shorts with the purple flowers on the side. It was one of the few unique pieces of clothes I owned. After that is a blur. All I remember is Lily lying in the bed with me every day for as long as she could until she had to leave. My dad sleeping at the hospital every night and leaving early morning for work. Lily cheering me on as the physical therapists helped me get me out of bed and walking again. I do not know if I could have done what Lily did. I don't know if I would have stayed. Luckily, I don't have to worry about what ifs and maybes because life is filled with too many what ifs and maybes to possibly get a grip on what's going on. And I have Lilly. Most of the time I am as chill and laidback as can be. But also, most of the time I'm anxiety stricken, I think too much, and I am my own worst enemy. I let my insecurities get to me and I put them on others. Most of the time I'm happy and I laugh, and I cry and that's okay. If I'm going to get through this incredibly painfilled time I'm going to need Lilly and Mom, Dad, Sam, and maybe even my group of old and new friends.