An Unpredictable Universe

9. Kian: Feelings

 "Dr. Flora let me take Sabrina around the hospital. She's literally decomposing in that room with no one really to be by her side at times. I know I'm her assistant for a temporary amount of time but taking her out will be good for her mentally. I'll wheel her around in a wheel chair and-" Dr. Flora raised her hand and stopped me from speaking. She then trailed around me and sat down on a chair across from me.
"Why are you so eager to help her so much? I've never seen you this way Kian. You know you must treat each patient you care for with the same amount of love and attention."
She then pauses and pinches her lips.
"Sabrina must stay in her room. It's always been that way."
I slam my hand on the table a bit too hard and immediately regretted doing so, causing Dr. Flora to jump in her seat.
"No. I mean shouldn't there be possibilities for change? Yeah, medicine can help bring change to someone's life, but isn't also focusing on emotional health important as well for these miserable patients? She's rotting in that room. She needs to live a little."
Dr. Flora's eyes narrow.
"Let's figure something out. All I'm asking is to be able to wheel chair her around the hospital. I promise I'll be extra careful with her of course. I'll protect her like my life depends on it."
Dr. Flora sighs and looks down at some papers that lie jumbled all over her desk.
"Fine. But listen Kian."
She stands up now and walks over to me. With pinpointed bloodshot eyes, she cups my face with her hands. She stays still and stares into my eyes menacingly, and I narrow my eyes in return without breaking eye contact.
"You must be very, I mean very careful with her."
I nod obediently, and Dr. Flora walks out serious faced.

The next day, I tell my mother about the exhilarating news of being able to wheel Sabrina around the hospital.

"That's great honey. You seem to be mentioning this girl a lot lately. Do you have a picture of her? I'm curious to how she looks like."
I shake my head no. "She has a picture of me though. The other day, she took a picture of me with her Polaroid. It was cute when she did it."
My mother looks at me and raises an eyebrow, and then looks back at the magazine article that she was reading.
"What? She's a cute girl. There are so many cute girls in the world, right? You're a cute girl mother. What are you assuming?"
"I don't know. I've just never seen you speak so much about a girl since that Amber in high school. I know my son. You're falling for this girl, aren't you?"
My brows furrowed because she did have a point. I was confused with my own feelings to be completely honest. Just a part of me didn't want this to be true because it would just be a messy situation. I wanted to be her friend, someone to guide her and make her life less dull, but more enthusiastic.
"I really don't know. It's complicated."
My mother's eyelashes fluttered behind her glasses as she flips to the next magazine page.
"I know this Sabrina girl is ill. But listen, don't be selfish and think about yourself all the time. You might be thinking, if we are together and she ends up dying, you're going to be the one suffering. Yes, that's true, but then again, you must see it from a positive light. You gave someone the best last months of their life and that was you. So don't wait too long to make a move on the girl. If you really feel like you're starting to love her, show her this love. She's young, beautiful, intellectual, etc. And deserves to be in love and you can give that to her."
My heart ached as I heard my mother's candid words.
She was right, I was starting to view Sabrina more in an intimate way, ever since that kiss. It just felt so right. I want to keep kissing her and making her feel special.

- -

Today is midterms day, and there's two days before Thanksgiving.
The more I realized how fast time is passing by, the more trepidatious I became. I really didn't know how to approach Sabrina after my mother, and I had that conversation the other day. I felt more desperate to see her knowing how alone she must of felt in that hospital room. I want to be with her all the time now.
What's wrong with me? Am I getting obsessed over one of my patients? This can't be.
My jaw clenches as I tried to control myself and my mind as I walk onto the campus of my college.

"Hey there my man!" Darien charmingly says as he puts his brawny arm around me.
My eyes widen startled, at his sudden entrance.
"Hey, still shocked you're talking to me after me not hooking up with that girl that night. If anything, I'm shocked you don't mind being conspicuously seen with a guy like me, especially at your position being so popular and outgoing at this college."
"Keep talking Mr. Rambler. Blah blah blah... I could care less that you didn't hook up with her. I mean your loss, but it's your life, and it's your choice at the end of the day, so it's whatever."
I slowly nod as I listen.

"By the way man, you ramble when you're nervous. Everything good?" Darien studies me for a moment and stuffs his hands in his jean pockets.
"Yeah, yeah everything's fine. I think the midterms are just getting to me," I lie as we walk to the doors of one of the lecture halls at the college.
Darien smiles, "Yeah facts. I'm probably going to fail all my exams. Haven't been studying for shit."
"That's probably because you're partying all the time." I bluntly state.
He laughs, but it sounds forced.
"Yeah, well you know I am that type of guy. Can't live without it."
"Yeah, well, just try your best. I really got to get to my class to take the exam, so wish me luck! I'll see you later man," I say.
Darien waves bye to me and I walk into the lecture hall building with all these nerves. I wasn't nervous about my midterms, those were easy. I was more nervous because of my inability to control my overflowing feelings and thoughts at this specific moment which was probably going to intervene with my mind on the test.
I take a deep breath as I stare at the front doors to the lecture hall.
You'll see Sabrina soon, she's fine. You'll figure out things. For now, this is more important.