Don't Want To See You In The Next Life (Volume1)

Chapter 88

"The difference is that in this life, you saved him from that catastrophe in time. You let him avoid the fatal injury and live happily until now." Song Yan said then paused, "every time I think about it, I am very grateful to you."

Xia Lin said indifferently: "I didn't do this just to get your gratitude." 

"I know," Song Yan's eyes softened, "Because you are born with a good heart. Even if I lost you because of Yu Luotong in my last life, you still helped him in times of crisis. Makes me admire and ashamed of you."

Xia Lin was not used to being flattered in person like this. He subconsciously moved his lips, wanting to refute but didn't know how.

Song Yan continued: "I always thought that I loved Luo Tong but I didn't understand until this life. It turned out that it was not love but compassion and responsibility. Because Luo Tong needed me, I decided to protect him for the rest of my life. Because he is extremely insecure and suffered from gains and losses throughout the day, I must pay attention to him every moment, lest he accidentally becomes sad again and think that he has been abandoned again."

Xia Lin sneered and said, "You lied. If you didn't really love him, how could you seek death several times after learning about his death? If it weren't for me to stop you, you would have gone down to see the King of the Underworld."

"Yes," Song Yan sighed, "I thought Luotong was dead and I really didn't want to live. On one hand, it was because of the guilt that my family forced Luotong to die and on the other hand, it was also because I once swore a poisonous oath to Luo Tong. During the gloomiest period of Luotong's life, in order to encourage him to live, I swore to him that if he dies, I will not live alone. Even if I go to the underworld, I will accompany him, never leaving him alone. However, I failed to fulfill my promise to him. He died but I lived in this world and even stayed with you later. This was a double betrayal to him. While indulging in your tenderness, I continued to blame myself. I also want to be nice to you but I dare not to. I often woke up when I dreamed back at midnight. I always dreamed that Luotong accused me with blood all over his face, saying that I had betrayed him and trampled on his vows. "

Xia Lin remembered that during the years when he and Song Yan were together in the previous life, Song Yan really slept very unsteadily at night. He often fell asleep and suddenly sat up in shock, calling Luotong's name in his mouth. At that time, he only thought that Song Yan couldn't let Luotong go. He didn't expect him to have nightmares because of his inner self-blame.

Song Yan continued: "Later, I accidentally met Luotong and realized that he was not dead at all. At that time, I was really mixed with different feelings. I hated your deception and Luotong's determination but I hate myself even more. I was so foolishly kept in the dark for so many years and my heart has been tortured for so many years. At that time, I was really angry and completely lost my mind. I had no one to vent to so I vented all my anger on you. I didn't know that you were terminally ill at that time and I didn't even think of it. On the day I drove you away, I already regretted it. But I still deceived myself and others. I told myself that I just didn't get used to you leaving for a while. I also met with Luo Tong that night. I thought, as long as Luotong and I are reconciled as before, there will be no such thing. I felt a sense of loss. But that night, after I met Luotong's boyfriend, I realized that Luotong and I were already over. He has a new man by his side. The man's parents are very open-minded and will not stop them from falling in love by any means. That man can give him a wedding ring in a fair manner instead of just verbal promises like me. Luotong doesn't need me anymore. My self-blame for so many years turned out to be nothing. From beginning to end, I'm just acting a one-man show. At that time, I was very anxious to return to your side. Only by your side can I feel where I belong. But God still didn't let me go. When I just recognized my heart, I was about to lose you. During the time when you fell into a coma before you died, I kept holding your hand and remembered a lot about the two of us. I don't know when you started to like me but I clearly remember that when I wanted to die with Luotong, you hugged me tightly and cried and said to me, if I die, you don't know how to live. That was the first time I knew clearly what you meant for me. I was surprised, but I was more moved. It turned out that there was still someone who kept guarding me in silence. So I finally gave up on suicide. It's not because of anything else, but because I don't want to see you cry and so desperate. At that time, I quickly accepted you. I thought it was because of emptiness and loneliness but I didn't understand that until you passed away. In fact, my friendship with you has taken root since we first met. If Luotong did not appear, maybe we will slowly attract each other, we will talk to each other and stay together for a long time. But Luotong appeared too early and too suddenly. Before I can see my heart clearly, I still didn't know anything. When I knew it was love, I had already made a lifetime promise to him."

Xia Lin silently wiped away the tears from the corner of his eyes in the dark. He forced himself to remain calm and awake. 

He said in a slightly choked voice: "Past and present, love and non-love are all based on your mouth and tongue. How can you prove..."

"I can prove it." 

"What?"

"Rebirth is the proof." 

Song Yan said slowly, "You always said that because Yu Luotong didn't love me, I chose you next to me. In fact, this is not the case. In this life, Luotong has always been safe and happy. When I grew up, I had the same interests as him but I have always maintained a dull friendship with him because in this life, I am no longer his salvation and he is no longer my responsibility. When I saw Luotong and his boyfriend David again, I really breathed a sigh of relief. Doesn't matter if it's in my previous life or in this life, I no longer owe him anything. I can finally let go with peace of mind and no longer have to endure the suffering of betrayal and self-blame."

When Song Yan said this, he turned his head and stared at Xia Lin's silent silhouette in the dark: "You know, Xia Lin, I was alienated again and again by you during our third year in high school. I was angry. I have been wronged, pleaded, and desperate. All the emotions are just because I like you. It wasn't until all the memories of the last life came back that I could really see my heart. It turned out that since a long time ago, I already hid you deeply in my heart."