Kaylor: The Timeline

Chapter 14

April 14, 2014     http://tswiftdaily.com/tagged/april+14+2014

Taylor wakes up once feeling Karlie slide her arms away from her, just as she had for almost the past two weeks.

"Go back to sleep," Karlie mumbles, planting a clumsy kiss on the side of Taylor's head before she gets out of bed to get ready for her day of work.

For close to two weeks, there hadn't been a night Karlie didn't spend at Taylor's apartment. Each morning was the same: Karlie would try getting out of bed without waking her up, fail at doing so, offer an apologetic kiss as she gets out of bed, and then Taylor would roll over into the space of the bed previously occupied by the younger girl to revel in the last of Karlie's warmth and aroma. It was a routine that each girl fell into so naturally that it was at times unsettling for the both of them, for different reasons.

Taylor had been shaken during her and Karlie's first and last outing in the city, as an army of paparazzi fought to get the best candid shots of the superstar and model. Although they got nothing more than photographs of two friends having lunch together, it acted as a cold dose of reality for Taylor. She was keeping a secret with the model, and with her lifestyle secrets just aren't a possibility. There was always someone watching, speculating, analyzing, and scrutinizing. Taylor felt waves of anxiety wash over her at the thought of being watched, speculated about, analyzed, and scrutinized with Karlie by her side, because with just enough vigilance someone could potentially unravel their secret. What would happen then? Her career could possibly be in jeopardy, as her brand and image would surely be changed from what it was established as now. The media storm would be one she was unsure she could survive; it would surely be worse than anything she has experienced in the past, which frightened her more than anything because she truly can't imagine how it could be worse than what she has already endured. She knew, however, that this society would find a way. Taylor didn't believe she could handle any more jokes made about her personal life, and she knew how easy jokes could be made regarding Karlie. Hell, Taylor had yet to even figure out what was going on, but she did her best not to think about it. She was and is attracted to men, and until Karlie, she never experienced an attraction to women. What did that make all of this? Aside from all of that, Taylor even felt like she had an obligation to protect Karlie. Karlie was able to live a normal life despite her abnormal lifestyle. She was able to take the subway unbothered and unnoticed on her way to glamorous photoshoots. She didn't have a bodyguard, she wasn't stalked by mobs of paparazzi, she usually wasn't even recognized on streets when she explored New York City. Taylor knew that the more time the model spent with her, the more that part of her life would change. Taylor didn't want that for Karlie, because it wasn't even a lifestyle she wanted for herself. So, as Taylor snuggles her face into the area of pillow Karlie has just vacated as she hears the water to the shower turn on, the singer, as if on cue, begins to worry about the dependence and attachment she has cultivated to the model.

Karlie had her own completely different set of worries in regards to the ever changing relationship she has with Taylor. The major one being Josh. Karlie couldn't bear to be away from Taylor, just because when she was with the singer all of the crippling guilt she felt would abate. The worst part about it was Karlie knew she deserved to feel guilty, and she felt even more guilty for wanting to avoid those feelings. She was selfish. Being with Taylor made her forget about Josh temporarily, made her feelings of guilt seem like nothing but a distant bad dream, and so she craved Taylor's presence. She was dependent on it, just for her mental health at this point. At first, Karlie had been able to convince herself she wasn't cheating. Her affair with Taylor had started accidentally, and it remained accidental for sometime. It was and still is confusing, with new feelings that each girl was just beginning to explore. Karlie was never the type of person who would intentionally cheat on someone, to cause someone that type of pain, and everything with Taylor had been so unexpected. It surely wasn't cheating at first, right? But now? In the last two weeks there had been nights where Karlie left Josh's apartment, telling him she couldn't stay the night because she had work so early in the morning, just to leave and spend the night at Taylor's. Karlie knew what would occur at Taylor's, yet she tried her best to convince herself that she still wasn't cheating. This was all so different, somehow, in some way, wasn't it? And so she would find herself in the back of a taxi, on her way to Taylor's apartment despite Josh believing she was on her way home to her own apartment. She would find herself dabbing and wiping at her teary eyes, as feelings of guilt consumed every part of her. Guilt so piercing and crippling she would often worry, as she sat in the back of her taxi, if she would be able to take in another breath as her chest ached so badly. She would be tortured with flashing memories she had with Josh, of his gentle stare, his shy smile, messy hair, his furrowed brow and shaking knee as he read over his work with cup of coffee in hand. The worst of all was how easy his smile came now, and how attentive and affectionate he had been, putting in effort to make the changes Karlie had wanted for the better part of the last six months with him. He was giving her what he wanted, and it wasn't easy for him to break from his comfort zone in this way, but he was doing it for Karlie. Karlie always thought relationships would be black or white, just like cheating, but she couldn't help but think that she drowning in a massive pool of grey. She didn't even know what she had with Taylor, they never spoke about it together, and she didn't know if it was something to break up with Josh over. She knew, however, that if Josh ever found out it would definitely be something for him to break up with her over. The thought that truly destroyed Karlie each time it came even close to invading her conscious mind, however, was the unavoidable and inevitable fact that no matter what, she was going to end up hurting either Josh or Taylor due to all of this, possibly even both. The idea of either one of them being hurt by her, caused just as much pain to Karlie, if not more, than would even be inflicted to either of her interests. She loved each of them so much, in different ways, that their pain was truly her pain. So in the past two weeks, there had been times during photoshoots when Karlie had said she needed to use the bathroom, only to hide herself away for a few spare minutes as her shoulders shook with quiet sobs when her guilt and anxiety overtook her, there had been times when with Josh that she had to close her eyes and take deep breaths in order to rid herself of feelings of the nausea she felt each time the entrepreneur now showed her any kindness or affection. Her only safe place was with Taylor, as she selfishly hid herself away in Taylor's apartment, staving off all of her plaguing and rightfully deserved feelings of guilt.