Reflection

chapter six

It has been a week since my life was ripped in two. Sarah was gone and I can't shake the feeling that it was my fault. I asked her to go to that party and I'm the one that got drunk. Everyone keeps saying it's not my fault but I know it is. I never thought I'd be in this position. Standing here in my room, dressed in a suit, getting ready to attend my best friends funeral. This room had always been filled with her laughter and sarcastic attitude, now all I have left is this picture of her. So much has changed in this past year but not her. She was always real and her true self with everyone she came in to contact with. There are so many people that are never going to meet her that should have. So many things we were going to do and now can't. I just wish I could take everything back. But I can't and I don't know how I'm going to cope. I don't know why but I take the photo from its frame and walk over to my mirror and tuck the photo in to it's seam. It's the only way I'm ever going to see us both together again. I fix my tie and whipe the in invisible dust from my jacket. I have to look my best and put on a brave face for her. Speaking of my face the cuts from the crash were beginning to heal and scar over. Another thing thats not going to allow me to forget what happened. I roll my shoulder in its sling in attempt to get it in a more comfortable position and stop when there is a knock at the door.

Walking over I half expect my mother to be standing there crying for the fifth time today but instead I find my brother. He's in his best suit too and clearly holding back tears. "You ready?" "I guess so". I don't know how I could have ever been ready to do this. I honestly never thought I would have had to but here we are and now I have no choice. I turn back to look at the photo one more time. I just wish she knew I am sorry. I wish she knew how much it was killing me not having her to lean on. I wish I'd just told her how important she is to me. But instead I head down with my brother and prepare for the worst day of my life.

We walk down in silence which is understandable. I can barley find the words to say anything so I'm not surprised that jax can't either. As we reach the dining room we enter to find three people dressed in all black sipping black coffee from tiny mugs. Well this setting couldn't look more morbid if it tried. The blinds are shut, they're dead silent, just staring at a photo of Sarah in the center of the table. As I walk around the kitchen to meet their gaze I see sat in front of me is my mother, jennifer, and of all people my dad flash me a fake smile. What the hell was he doing here. He hasn't been around in years. Until fact he hasn't been around since the night he left when I was ten and I cried myself to sleep in Sarah's arms. Now he's here and she's not and I fear I'm going to say something she would hate. I glance at my mother trying not to speak directly to him and stifle the anger in my tone. "What the hell is he doing here?". She gets to her feet and places her hand on his shoulder. Almost as if he will need holding back. Please as if he would get a shot in. "Frankie please be nice he's your father after all". "My father? Really my father? Where's he been for the past ten years?". Raising my voice to her was a mistake on my part and I did feel bad but when he stands up apologizing to her goes out the window. "Frankie I knew Sarah too. I have a right to be here" I didn't want to talk to him but now I have no choice and I don't care how angry I get. "You shut the fuck up. You lost the right to talk to me when you walked out ten years ago. You walked out on me, on mum, and on jax. You didn't even use an excuse like every other guy that walked out on his family. You just left and in my mind that gives you no right" he stands to fix his suit which seems to be falling apart and decades old. Well clearly he didn't leave for a better life so why? "Frankie you don't understand" "what don't I understand tim? You think I don't know that you left us for a girl half your age?!" Everyone in the room falls silent and do everything to not make eye contact with me. It's like they think I will tear them down if they do. Now that I'm angry I dont seem to be able to stop and honestly i don't want to. Blowing up at everyone else feels like the only thing that has helped to lift this weight of guilt off of my shoulders. All I want is for all of this guilt to just fade away so i can have a chance at a happy life. D
So instead of doing the morraly right thing and walking away I turn my attention towards Jennifer. "You! Why the fuck are you here? You know it's your fault right. If you hadn't practically forced a drink in to my hand every five minutes I wouldn't have been so drunk. I would have been able to walk. I would have been able to control myself and sarah would still be here. It's your fault". The shock on her face from hearing me place the blame on her is oddly satisfying. She's clearly hurt by my words along with everyone else in the room but I just don't care. As I unload everything I've been feeling over these past few days not only do I feel myself letting go of that but I'm also letting go of all feeling. Every feeling of happiness, sadness, anger, guilt. I'm letting go of it all, and I want to keep ahold of any shred of any kind of feeling but right now the only thing that feels good is to let go.