Reflection

Chapter seven

I knew if I were to see anyone else I don't particularly like right now I'd just blow up again and honestly I don't think I have the energy. Today is supposed to be in remembrance of Sarah and all I've done is make it about me and how I'm feeling. Well now I'm going to try and focus on her. She deserves it and I know she would not be impressed with me and the way I have been acting today. With the small amount of energy I do have left I pull myself together and walk out of the front door with my head held high. The only way I'm going to get through the next few hours of today is knowing that it's all for Sarah. She has always deserved the best and I'll be dammed if I'm going to stop getting the best for her now.

I didn't really want to get in a car again but I wasn't about to walk ten miles to the funeral on a day of 27 degree heat in a three piece black suit. I'd probably end up being buried beside Sarah of I attempted that. I take a seat in the back of the car beside Jackson and make sure to put my seat belt on as soon as I close the door. This is the first time I've been in a car since the accident and I'm starting to wish that that I had just walked. The air in the car becomes heavy and I quickly start to feel like I'm trying to breath in a vat full of Syrup. I hoped that closing my eyes would make the journey easier but of course it didn't. Instead every time I closed my eyes and Inhaled the intoxicating scent of the car I pictured the lights from that night and the screams. I remember the exact moment I reached out for her in that van and she didn't reach back. It never for a second occurred to me how I was going to live my life without her until that moment. I didn't think I would be able to do it and honestly I still don't. In fact I don't think I will ever be able to live without her.

I don't want to break and make it clear to everyone that I'm vulnerable right now so I ignore the pain in my stomach and the urge to cry. I just sit with my eyes closed and wait for the entire journey to come to an end. I swear I'm close to falling asleep when the door beside me opens and fresh air fills my lungs. I don't think I've ever been so refreshed and calm as I was when I took that first breath of fresh air. Slowly I open my eyes and let the day in once again. The funeral hall is full of people from Sarah's past in high school and of course her family. I've not seen most of these people since the night of the accident and the clear shock on their faces as I walk in just makes it clear to me that but hey didn't expect to see me here. Did they really think I wouldn't attend my own best friends funeral? Most of the people here are basically strangers to me but that doesn't stop them from giving their condolences. I'm not in the right headspace to make small talk with these people about how they remember Sarah in some insignificant way so instead I make my way to the front row of the hall and take a seat between Sarah's mother Emily and Jackson. I'm surprised to feel Emily reach for my hand but don't turn her away, instead I squeeze her hand for comfort. I think I'm doing it to support her but in reality she is the only thing keeping me together right now. Sarah's injury's we're so severe she would be unrecognizable to anyone who knew her, Emily didn't want to have people staring at her in disgust and shock so she chose to have a closed casket for her. Sarah deserves to be remembered as the stunning girl she was inside and out, and that's exactly what she's going to get.

The service is long and intense, and her mother shared some very beautiful memories of Sarah as a child. I wish I could recall what she said but the entire time my mind was elsewhere. I just saw Emily, Jackson, my mother, and a few people from high school come up and say something but I payed absolutely no attention to anything they said. I was trying to work up the courage and energy to stand and talk about the most important person to ever come in to my life but at the thought of standing my legs become numb and I feel that if I were to stand now I would simply collapse. Despite all the expectant glares I could feel burning in to the back of my head I don't move. I can't.

Eventually the service comes to an end and I link my arm with Emily's to keep her stable and lead her to her car. Her skin practically looks grey and exhausted, she is probably the only person that is doing and feeling worse than I am right now. The least I can do for her is make sure she's ok before I even consider thinking about me and my feelings. As I open the car door for her she turns back and snakes her arms up to reach around the back of my neck to pull me in to a hug. "Thank you for coming today. I know how hard it must have been" she pulls away and takes my face in her hands. "I know how much she meant to you and believe me when I say you mean just as much to her. Times are going to be hard but you will be ok. Ok?" I want to believe her but I don't think that will ever be the case. I don't want to worry her so I nod my head and plaster on a forced smile. "Ok Emily" "call me ok. Or stop by. You know you are welcome anytime. Please come by" "I will Emily I promise" she smiles and pulls me in to a tight hug once again before getting in to the car and heading back to her now empty home.