I Can Feel You

Chapter 1

I fiddled with my fingers and played with the hem of my hoodie, my neck breaking cold sweat despite the room being air-conditioned. I took a deep breath and composed myself swallowing the lump in my throat, "Maladaptive Daydreaming". The room was silent only the smooth gliding of the pen on the paper could be heard.

"ok" my therapist nodded after writing it down. "I just need you to listen today" she lifted her gaze and stared at me; it feels weird whenever she does that. It's like she's seeing through me but at the same time it is comforting to be seen. "This is a sensitive topic for me, and I've never really told anyone about this and...and I've done my research too" I added hastily, she gave a comforting smile "okay, let's do that".

I smiled and paused, "It's okay, you don't have to tell me if you're not ready yet" she reassured. "It's alright, I wanted to tell you this because I know that you would understand" I took another deep breath and started. "I have been doing it, you know? Maladaptive daydreaming...for as long as I can remember. And I know that it's bad but it's not for me. It helps me" I looked at her. "To be completely honest, I want to tell you this because I want you to tell me that it's okay"

She looked down and back at me "Annie, to be completely honest as well. I know you, maybe more than anyone else, I know your struggles and I know what you're going through. I suspected that you may have this but then I thought it is unlikely, because you rarely show symptoms. And that says a lot" She smiled once more, she seems pretty happy we're having this conversation and quite interested.

"What do you mean?" I stared at her intently, she doesn't seem concerned. "Well because, we spend a lot of time together and as I can see, you're a very functional person. Which is why I thought it was unlikely, but this just goes to show that maladaptive daydreaming doesn't affect your functionality. This is one of the common negative impacts to the people who have this condition and as I see, you don't really suffer from that. Do you dissociate often?"

I nodded "Yes, I do but I've gotten so good at it that I can pretty much control it. I can be in a maladaptive daydream while also doing other things. It doesn't really affect my work, which is why I think it's okay, because it's doing more good for me"

"I understand, coping mechanism varies from people to people. And as we can see right now, maladaptive daydreaming doesn't really have any negative effect on you, though you should let me know if there is" she squinted at me and I chuckled "So as long as it doesn't affect you negatively, I think it's okay. Instead, we should focus on the other things that does bad to you, right?" I happily nodded.

"So, what else do you want to talk about?" she leaned on the couch getting comfortable as she sets down her binder. She's been my therapist for about a year and we've gotten pretty close, added to the fact that she's a family friend.

"I want to share to you what I've been daydreaming about" I smiled that seems to really pick her interest. "Ooh okay" she smiled. "Well, there's this girl." her smile widens, she knew about my sexuality and is very supportive "I saw her in my dream once and I can't stop thinking about her. So much that all of my daydreams became about her" she nodded and started to reach for her binder.

"No, I want to talk to you right now as a friend" I said and she nodded in agreement. "So umm.. yeah that" I fidgeted once more with the hem of my hoodie, although I did say I wanted to talk I can't think of anything else to say. I stared at the carpeted floor and she sat up "Tell me about these daydreams, are you two...?"

I can feel my face heating up "Well.... In those daydreams she's my girlfriend and like stories of how we met and get together and stuff" now I'm sure my cheek is in a tint of red, though I don't think it is really noticeable. "Oh, how sweet" she teased.

I covered my face. "What does she look like? Or is her face blurred?" I shook my head "I know what she looks like, oddly enough I remember it vividly" she took her binder and had her pen ready. "What does she look like?" she seems really into this.

"Black eyes which are round almond shape, but really when you stare into it, they're dark brown. She has smooth black hair and feather like eyebrows. Her nose is just right not flat and not too sharp, almost a little bit button like and she has full pinkish lips" I said smiling

"She seems pretty" I happily agreed "I think she's Asian" this made her raise a brow on me "Well, she looks Asian, she has Asian eyes and I'm thinking South East Asia? Because her skin, she's not white, she's not black either. She's a lighter shade of brown like a tan" she nodded writing it down.

"Why are you writing it down?" I said catching a glimpse of her paper, "Well just writing down your dream girl" she giggled. Jeez.

"Do you think she's real?" I asked her, she thought about it "Well, I wouldn't really know, but it's not like there is zero chance, right? So, I hope so" I smiled "I hope so too"

"Well, is there anything else?" I shook my head no. "Well then, my assignment for you this session is that you have to make a portrait of this girl. You can draw it, you can edit it, Photoshop, however you would want to. I want to see her" I chuckled. "Okay, okay"

"Then, I think our session today is very successful. I'm very glad you're comfortable with sharing these things to me. Just do what you're doing right now, focus on yourself and I will see you next session?" she stood up.

"Oh, actually I think our next session will be done through online. I'll be flying to Philippines next week, there will be a branch of our company there and Gran wants me to overlook it" I said also standing up and preparing to leave. "Oh yeah we're on the same flight" I looked back at her

"What?" she laughed "Yeah I'm going home" I'm stunned "Huh?" this made her laugh more "I'm Filipino remember? Supposedly, I'm going to stay there for a few weeks because my older sister is giving birth and I wanted to be there, but I got an offer from this prestigious school and I'll be working there as a therapist for a while." She smiled and opened the door for me.

"So, our next session will be there" she chuckled "Okay, that makes me glad that you'll be there" "Why? Are you going there alone" she asked closing the door behind us and waking me to the exit "No, the gang will be with me but it makes me feel relieved that you'll be there"

"See you next week, Marth!" I said as I entered my car, she waved at me and I drove off. Martha is really nice, she's like an older sister to me though I'm not really close to my real one.