Illegal Love Letters

1. HERE WE GO AGAIN

My last therapist was tired of me, tired of my stuff and she told my parents the best thing to do was hospitalize me. Again. I think she always hated me.

She was not some help for my mental issues. She literally boosted my insecurities without knowing. Not a good therapist at all.

Well, life's sucks. Love sucks and so does everyone.

I remember when my parents decided that I had to receive some help. I was younger. I tried to kill myself because of the bullying, but I guess I'm useless even for that. So since then, I had this worthless therapist who tried to help me.

I know my parents love me, but I bet they're the only ones in this world. No kidding.

This morning I woke up early and my parents and me take the car to come here. When I was at the doors of this huge hospital, I was kinda scared, but I have learnt to hide my feelings. Since people seemed to not care about me. I do not show anyone my feelings.

Anyway, I was looking at the doors I thought that I'm going to stay here for an endlessly time to me, but I'm prepared. Or at least that's what I told my parents; I don't want them to be more worried. I actually know I am not ready to be on a hospital once again. No one is ready for that.

If someone says it's ready for something like that, it's lying.

     "You can call us anytime, sweetie". My mother tells me while touching my shoulder, while we are looking at the huge doors. My mom always calls me this way every time it gets hard, she thinks it will make me less nervous. It doesn't, but I'm not going to tell her.

We are standing in front of hospital for fewer minutes, as a happy family who don't wanna separate, but one girl who looks much older than me introduce herself, with a white-greenish uniform, as the administrative of my department.

I know that is the beginning, she is going to separate me from my parents, and I will not be able to see them in some weeks because of the rules. The rules. I hate those rules.

At least at the other hospitals I have been, the rules sucks.

I didn't meet anyone yet, but I bet someone is going to hate me. It happens every time I meet someone.

Also, people at school are mean, they used to laugh at me because of my weight at school, they also used to call me whale. Fuck those dicks.

So, my parents and therapist sent me here because I have some issues and some heavy breakdowns, that can put my life in danger.

Bullshit. I know I tried once. But I promised myself I would never try that again.

My life's a teenage dream; I can't sleep for the nights, and I can't life well in the days. I guess I can't be saved. My mental illnesses are going to kill me.

I have one therapy group to introduce myself and to know other victims of this world in an hour. I don't want to open to random people.

I lay on the bed, looking at the ceiling.

     "This is going to be your new home". Say the woman in the white-greenish uniform. "I am Denise, by the way. If you have any kind of problem with your room or anything, look for me".

     "Fine, thanks".

I follow her for the whole place, she shows me the playground.

     "You smoke?".

     "Yes". I say, doubting to my answer. Why she wanna know that?

     "You can only smoke out here".

Make sense now.

We walk through the cafeteria, then the therapy rooms and finally a hall. With a stair next to it.

     "You can't go up there". She speaks. I am confused. "Boy's floor". She whispers.

I nod. She laughs.

We walk to the hall. We are passing so many doors. She is looking so frequently her notebook. I guess she is making sure what's my room.

Suddenly she stops. Looks at me, smiling.

     "Here we are".

I look at the time. Time to go to my therapy.

I do not know anyone. I don't want anyone to judge me. I am not ready yet.

A man is in the middle of the room. Waiting for us.

     "Hello, I'm Anthony. I know some of you know me, but some of you don't". Pause. Giving time to all of us to sit down. "So, we are going to introduce ourselves, we have to say why we are here and this all stuff that we all love".

Great.

     "You start".

I feel like I am going to throw up when he points at girl next to me.

     "I guess I am here because I am not enough". Anthony nods, waiting for her to tell more. "You want to tell my story or my mental illness?".

     "Let's start with the illnesses. You go, then you" Points at me. Damn. "Then you". Points at the other girl next to me. "And so on".

He sits. And puts his hand on his cheeks. He looks cute. Waiting for all of us to tell our misfortunes.

     "Okay... I have anxiety".

He looks at me. My turn.

Easy, just two words. Everyone is going to say the same. You are not the only one. You can do it.

Say something.

All eyes on you right now.

If you say something they won't be staring at you anymore.

     "So...?''. Anthony says. Opening his eyes and nodding his head. Wanting me to feel more comfortable.

     "Depression and anxiety".

     "You are new. What's your name?". His voice is so calm right now.

He opens a notebook. He wants to write my name down.

     "Araminta".