Illegal Love Letters

11. HATE

So, Jaycee hates my new roommate because Alec cheated on her with April.

Before we do the line to have our breakfast, we have to see where we sit this time.

''So do you really wanna move to my room?''.

''I won't let you stay with that psycho, Ari''.

But I still don't get it.

''So, April was her lover, so now you hate both?''.

''No, I don't hate him, I know he loves me''. She can't be serious, so she is just mad at April. ''I know we are meant to be''.

I don't wanna continue this conversation. Jaycee is so blind. If he loves Alec, why can't she see that he does not love her back. He was just playing; she knows that but don't wanna see it.

It pisses me off so much.

I take my food and I don't recognize no one in my table, so my breakfast is boring. Going through so many thoughts that makes me wanna cry.

My head is a mess.

I have this voice when I'm alone that tells me that I am not good enough, that my friends aren't real. And that I will be alone for the rest for my life because I'm a bad person.

I know I am not, but I guess that sometimes I just can't believe in what I know.

I know I may be sounded like a totally freak, but that's what I think, and that's what I believe. I guess every person in this world have this voice that tells each other a different point of view.

Anyway, we all know that life sucks.

I can't think about anything but my parents. I miss them. Hope I have my own phone so I can call them, or text something. Just to know they are okay. To make sure they still there, waiting for me to get better.

I am dying to tell them about the stuff here. This center is different from the others.

But at least I know this Sunday, I will see them.

Visit day.

The best day of the week, since I know.

Depend on your level you can leave all day, even the night but you have to come back Monday early in the morning. But on my level you can only be with them few hours, you can't eat with them yet.

Hope they okay.

Hope they miss me.

I really wish that they can make it on Sunday so I can see them, hug them.

My breakfast is gone, I can even realize how much time did I take to eat it all. But it was good.

All in my head is like fire. I can feel that for some reason I am angry, but at myself.

Why? Who knows?

I just am.

It sucks being that way. I feel like all the noise in the room are annoyimg for me.

I just need a cigarette, I Just wanna get out of this place. I wanna be alone.

We have a cigarette break before the therapy group.

I need that cigarette; I need to calm down.

I take one of mines. Holding against the wall. I take my white lighter too. But I'm nervous. My hands are shaking because I need to smoke. I am too anxious even for light my cigarette. So, the lighter falls.

Stupid.

''You good?''.

This can't be happening. I look up and there he is.

He looks worried, but funny at the same time.

I can never tell what he's thinking of.

It's maddening.

''What do you want?''.

I know I am being rude, but I can't have a conversation with him right now. Even less if I know that he cheated on Jaycee.

''Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed''. He smiles.

I just can't right now. I just wanna smoke alone. With my thoughts. I light the cigarette and not say anything.

''You need to talk or...?''.

Why is he trying to make conversation? I hate him. I must hate him.

''With you? No, thanks''.

''I do not understand you''. He is confused.

''You don't have to''.

''Whatever''.

He looks upset right now. He threw up his cigarette and leaves.

I'm relieve. I am alone now.

He cheated. I don't own him anything. He may help me with my panic attack. But doesn't mean anything. He is a dick.

I turn off the cigarette. In a few minutes I have my therapy session. A group session.

''Welcome, guys. Take a sit. Today we are going to do an activity. Named False truth''. Says Anthony. Our professional of this session. ''You have to say something that you believe, but that you know isn't true. Something that your illness makes you think sometimes it's true''.

Oh no, this is so personal.

''Sophie, you go first''. At least I am not the first.

''I don't wanna start...''. She looks so terrified.

''No one is going to judge. ''Anthony looks so sure about himself, I admire that. '' I start, but you go next. Ok?''. She nods. ''Sometimes I think that I don't worth my job''.

No one says nothing, how can he doubt that? A few seconds of us waiting for Sophie to say something. She still afraid. I understand her.

''I am a shame of a daughter''.

Anthony says nothing. Just point at another victim.

At first, it's difficult to us to say something. Is just too personal. Too many people. But little by little we start to open. We see that none of us is judging, we are just listening. Trying to understand each other.

''I am not enough''.

''I'm fat''.

''No one believe me''.

''I have no friends''.

The hand then points at Alec. I didn't notice he was here. I was focused on everyone's words.

He looks at me, deeply. He looks sad, a little mad maybe.

He has nothing no be mad. He is the monster.

''I deserve to be hated by everyone''.

______________________

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