Illegal Love Letters

9. THE BROKEN LOBSTER

Jaycee's here. I am scared. If she opens the door and want to talk about what I found out about her ex I would disappoint her.

If I tell her something it cannot be that he never loved her. That would hurt her like hell.

She opens the door.

     ''Hi, babe''.

His hair is long and wavy. Blond. Her blue eyes are big and look at me like I was the precious thing in the world. Makes me feel special.

     ''Hey, come in''.

I'm lying on my bed, so I sit waiting for her to repeat me. He looks kinda worried.

We talk about me, how I feel and some ways I can do if I have another panic attack.

     ''Did he do something to you?''. She asks. She thinks her ex can do me something to have an attack. What did he do to her to think that?

     ''What? No! He did nothing to me, don't worry, I'm fine''. She looks relieved, but I think she does not believe me completely. ''I mean it. I just got some flashbacks about my past Don't worry. I am fine now''.

     ''Okay, but why did you have it then?'' she sees that I don't answer, because I don't feel like talking about it ''I get it. If you want to talk, I mean, I'm your friend. You can tell me anything''.

Actually, she's not my friend. I know her for like a day. I will not tell her anything. I know I can trust her; I think. But I do not want to trust anyone here. And even less if people here have their own problems.

She notices I do not say a word. So, she asks the damn question.

     ''So... Did you two talked?''.

How can I say her that? I do not know how I can start.

     ''Yes, but just a bit''.

     ''You two ran after breakfast, you were together all the time there. You must have talk about me at some point''. She looks kind of mad or sad, I can't tell.

     ''Jaycee...''.

     ''Just tell me, Ari''. She looks like she is waiting for the worse answer ''I would be okay''.

     ''He's moving on, I think you should do the same''. Not the real answer. But I bet the real one may hurt her even more. The real

She may be trying to keep her shit together.

     ''But I love him''.

     ''Of course, you do. But if he cannot appreciate that, find someone that does''.

I don't know how to comfort her. It never was one of my best skills. So, I just hug her. But as soon as I touch her, she breaks, she starts crying.

I feel bad. Unbelievably bad.

     ''How can I love someone that is not him?'' I know the feeling, but everyone can. ''I thought he was my lobster''.

FRIENDS reference. Because it's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, holding claws, at least is what Pheobe said. I remember even the chapter of the TV show: The One With The Prom, Friends (T2 E14). I guess she is a fan too.

     ''I guess you never been heartbroken''.

What the fuck.

     ''Okay...'' I am trying to laugh, but why would she say something like that? She doesn't know me. I mean, we literally talked about her and her ex.

The only thing that she does know about me is that I have my issues.

     ''I don't judge, I'm just saying''. Yeah, sure.

     ''But, how come?''.

     ''You seem like a girl that has never fell in love, I do not know. It is just you do not care about it, or I do not know. Have you?''

     ''Yes'. I do not know if I want to talk about this right now. She is kind of being rude, I do not feel talking about it. Don't want to open up.

     ''Been heartbroken or fell in love''.

     ''Both''.

     ''The tell me how I can move on''. She is not kidding. She looks serious.

     ''You know,'' I can't believe what I'm going to say but ''To get over somebody, get under somebody''. I did not remember when nor where I did read that. But I guess it is kind of true.

Sometimes you need a patch to help you heal faster, or at least to not break completely and maybe move on easily.

She looks surprise. But at the same time, I think, because of her face, that she is thinking of it.

     ''Who are you thinking of it, naughty?''. She starts to blush, and

     ''You know Nil?''. Cute name, but I have never heard it before. I sake my head. ''Hot name, huh?''.

For what he's telling me, he is a volunteer in here. But he is so close to all of us. He is like someone from the exterior for us to not feel completely isolated. So, we can keep some touch with the real world.

He looks nice. She shows me a photo of them from last year.

     ''This is before I met Alec''.

     ''Alec is...''.

      ''My ex, babe. Pay attention''. So, her ex finally got a name. I talked to him, and I did not know his name yet. ''Anyway, the photo was taken before I met him, but Alec went jealous. So, I had stop talking to Nil''.

That is toxic as fuck.

     ''Okay, Nil sounds like a perfect guy for this''. I guess if Alec sees her with Nil, he will get jealous again. And he would get hurt.

Jaycee keeps telling me stuff about Nil. Sounds like a good boy.

      ''And he will never hurt me''.

I guess so, I do not know Nil yet. But I am kind of curious about him. And he is probably my only keep in touch with the real world. I think I may be more excited and curious to know him about this.

     ''But what more toxic things did Alec do to you?''.

Maybe I am not allowed no ask this, but I am just gossiping. And for me, yes, he is a player, but he can help me.

I cannot think about him like this. I should not question Jaycee's word. That is why I am asking him that.

     ''He once hit me''. He kind of doubt while she was telling me this. I guess she is uncomfortable talking about it. 

That is why she didn't believe me before. Because he was even capable of hitting her.

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