Ferris Wheel - Oscar Diaz

52

I paced the bedroom blocking out the voices from the other room. It was all too loud and I needed to think.

I stopped staring off into space. I could basically hear Oscar telling me off.

'Stop pacing Leigh's now sit your ass down' would have been the words to come out of his mouth and I wouldve ignored him, and not listen to a word he said and carrying on pacing.

I sighed already missing him. Why was I missing him? Or maybe because you love him the little voice in my head.

I was way pass the point of loving Oscar, I was in fact in love with him. But that's the only feeling you'll feel when you've had so much history with someone.

"It was her. It was her. It was Camilla. But how?" I asked myself. it was most definitely her. I thought back to what she said.

It was a if I can't have him you cant either situation. But what was she going to gain from this?

"You need to stop worrying we'll get him out." I turned to see Benji standing there.

"How can I not worry? He's locked up. I'm sure they have other shit on him. They've probably been watching him for years Benji." I said in frustration. I was frustrated with the whole situation. This was suppose to be a happy day but it's not.

"They have been Chica. Even after he left that life. He got caught because he was Spooky. He was Spooky way longer than he went to being just Oscar. That's what you get when you've been in this life for long.. you either end up dead or locked up. We all know that. Oscar knew that as well.." I bit the inside of my lips while he continued to speak .

"I love my mano and I'm going to do my best to get him out but it was foolish of him to think just because he walked out, all his past sins would be no more." I couldn't help but feel angry at what I was hearing. It's like Benji was blaming Oscar for what happened. He was talking like he deserved it.

"Are you going to simply forget what he's done for you to be talking like this? Are you blaming him for what happened today? Surely that's not what I'm hearing?" I couldn't help but voice out my anger.

We shouldn't be arguing about this. We should be helping him.

"Listen here Chica." Benji's voice boomed almost startling me.

"Don't come at me talking about how I'm ungrateful for the shit Oscar has done for me. He's fucking familia. I owe him my life. And I've also known him all my life. Much longer than you have. Just because he fell in love with you and you had his kid doesn't give you the right to talk to me like that and question my loyalty. I'm fucking loyal and I'm going to do all I can to make sure he's safe. And let's not fucking forget why he got locked up. You're out here judging me for what I said and acting like you're innocent. Don't forget that you fucking pulled that trigger. You're the reason that he got arrested. You killed that kid not fucking Oscar." Every word that came out of his mouth stabbed me in the heart. I felt bad, I felt Guilty. Not only for doubting Benji but because I also knew that he was right.

I killed Scotty. That should've been me in the handcuffs instead it was him.

I didn't get the chance to say anything let alone apologise to Benji before he stormed out of the room leaving me staring after him.

Benji always told the truth. He spoke the truth even when it hurts to hear it. And fucking hell this hurts coming from him.

I rubbed my temple. This was getting too much for me. But what should I do? I should turn myself in. It was me. I shot Scotty so I should be in Oscar's place.

"Don't even think about it." I looked up to see Chico standing there with a look of worry on his face. By that look I knew he overheard the conversation I just had with Benji.

"I don't know what you're talking about..." I mumbled

"I shouldn't have said all those things to Benji." I whispered my body engulfed in guilt. Guilt can kill and right now I wanted to die.

"You're right you shouldn't have. But we'll get past this. Just know turning yourself in won't make anything better. Oscar wouldn't forgive himself for this. And he won't forgive us for letting you."

"But it's my fault he's in this situation. It was Camilla she warned me and she went through with her words. And I shot Scotty. This is all my fault." I felt tears in the corner of my ears.

My head suddenly started banging. A wave of fear washed over me. The last time I had that was when I found out I had a tumour. I shook the thought out of my head. It's been years....I'm fine. I am fine.

"Just rest up. We have 19th street to worry about. We'll figure shit out Chica."

Maybe I should rest.

But there's no rest for the wicked. I couldn't simply forget that this is my fault.