English Love Affair » z.m au

29. "Then don't."

Scar

I didn’t kiss back, nor did I fight back. I savored the taste of his sinful lips, as he attempted to ignite any response from me. I couldn’t lead him on, I meant what I said, there was no second chances for us. But being the weak soul I was, I couldn’t fight against him. I couldn’t deprive him for the kiss that seemed to mean so much to him. Maybe then, he’d give up, once and for all. Seconds lengthened into moments, before he pulled away, his eyebrows furrowed, his lips pursed into a pout.

“ You stupid son of a bitch.” I whispered, barely distancing myself, my forehead, and his, connected, leaning on one another for support.

“ You didn’t kiss back.” It was more of a wondering than a statement.

“ I didn’t kiss back.” I confirmed it nevertheless.

“ Why?” And he sounded so incredibly hurt, and I wished I could have helped him, made a bit more sense of it all.

But I couldn’t.

“ I can’t.” I escaped his embrace, feeling the familiar void caving in on me.

“ Can’t what?”

“ Zayn,” I pleaded, for him to not stay any longer because I feared I’d surrender to him.

To walk away, before I had to.

“ It’s been eight months, how much more time do you need to realize that we can’t be without one another?”

“ We can’t be with one another, Zayn. It just won’t work for us. It never did.”

“ Yes, it did. You were happy, weren’t you? I- I used to make it better, a bit more tolerable, right?” A single tear went past his long eyelashes, sliding down his face, and God, did I want to heal him. I wanted to kiss him till he was too intoxicated to remember all that I had brought upon him. I wanted to kiss him till it was all fixed. I wanted to hold him till his pieces were glued together, till he was back to his old self. The Zayn I had fallen for, about a year ago now.

“ And what about you? H- how many bloodied shirts did you have to throw away? How many wounds did you have to stitch? How many nightmares did you have to live through, because of me? I am a lot of things, but I’m not that selfish, Zayn, not anymore.”

“ Selfish? Wh- what the hell are you talking about? You’ve vanished for months, kept away, and I- I saw you everywhere I looked. In every face, in every pair of eyes, in every place I wished I could have taken you to. Every name I said was yours, every dream I had somehow revolved around you. Hell, even Louis and Harry reminded of you, because I always thought of what you would have said or done if you were there. You were everywhere and I thought I was fucking losing it, Scarlett. You think that this is accidental? You think that somehow, you’re making me love you? You think I’m falling in love? This is bullshit, Scar, because I’m not falling, I’m choosing to love you. I’m- I’m choosing you.”

All air was knocked out of me, as I stood there, staring back at the man I loved with every bone within me.

He said all the right things.

His eyes were so desperate… for me.

His voice was so weak, so grieved.

“ Then don’t.”

“ What?”

“ Don’t choose to love me. Don’t choose me.” He put a trembling hand to his heart, as a few more tears followed the previous one. He shook his head, his features twisted in physical pain, and I feared he’d collapse, right then and there.

I looked past him, towards Louis and Harry, who looked between the two of us. I looked at him, one last time, but it was my last, then I wished I’d forget all this wreckage he now was. If this was my last time seeing him, then I wished I hadn’t seen him at all.

I walked past him, brushing our shoulders tenderly, before standing in front of Louis, my shameful eyes on the ground.

“ Take him home. Take care of him. Help him, Louis, because if I see him again, and he’s anything like that, then so help me God, I’ll kill you.” He frantically nodded, his mouth opened slightly, as if willing the words to come out, but they failed him. I lifted my eyes to look at him, then at Harry, who smiled sympathetically at me, before giving them an affirmative nod, and walking away. Niall was ready with his welcoming embrace, which I politely rejected, because I wasn’t sure I could handle human touch right now. I watched as Zayn nodded weakly at whatever that Louis had whispered to him, before he followed them out of the café, and towards his car which was parked right outside.

I couldn’t remember the last time when Zayn walked away, because I was unconscious then, and so out of it.

But this- this I would remember.

This would haunt me, for as long as I dared to live.

This would always be the last memory I’d have of him.

This would be how I’d remember him.

This broken, at loss, taunted remains of the man I loved too much.

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A/N: sorry for the delay people, I lost all the chapters I had written because of a hardware problem so bare with me :(

I hope you enjoyed this, we're so close to the end!

let me know what you thought, and if you'd like, check out the new harry story I posted :)

ily x