English Love Affair » z.m au

21. Why me?

Zayn

 

Her eyes were similar to Scar’s, but not as captive, holding little power when compared to Scarlett’s overwhelming, dominating power.

Scarlett’s eyes could make you do anything, by a single blink, or a wink, or even by the way they crinkled slightly.

One look into them, and you were an eternal goner, no chance of breaking the spell.

Her grey hair was formed into a rather neat bun, and her clothes were somewhat unexpected for an 80 year old woman.

I found myself thinking of Scarlett growing into something close to this, and I liked it.

I liked it even more, when I pictured myself sitting beside her, old, half-blind, yet, still overly in love.

Lately, I had either been thinking of loving Scarlett till the end of time, or getting as far away from her as humanly possible.

There was no in between, and I was certain I was losing it, or whatever that was left anyway.

Louis and Harry were still back at the hospital, I asked them to give me some time alone, because if I was indeed losing it, then no one was to witness it.

“ I remember you, Zayn, am I right?” She had a welcoming smile, as she sat herself down in front of me, with relative effort.

“Yes, ma’am.” She giggled slightly, shaking her head.

I didn’t know how she was so casual and acceptant of the fact that her granddaughter was losing her mind, if she even was her granddaughter.

God this whole thing had been giving me an undying headache.

“ It’s Mary.”

“ Alright, Mary, I- I uh, I have a few things that I need to ask you about.”

“ Is there something wrong?”

It was my turn to laugh, because everything was wrong.

She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, before resting her back against the seat uncomfortably.

“ Look, Mary, I am going kind of nuts here. I- Scarlett is in the hospital, and I-I feel like my whole world is falling to pieces and I can’t stop any of this, so I need your help.” I brought my eyes to her panicked ones, pleading for my last wall of sanity to stand, as she gave me a hesitant nod.

“ Scarlett’s husband, what happened to him?”

“ She killed him.”

“ Wh- what?”

“ Listen, Zayn, I know how bad this sounds, but he was an abusive son of a bitch, making the long list of abusive sons of a bitch that she met all through her life, and she couldn’t possibly take it anymore. He treated her like crap, took away everything she ever had, kept us away from her. In more ways than one, he killed her parents, and her grandpa. Hell, he almost killed me, but instead, he put me here to die, slowly, but surely. So one day, after she lost the baby-“

“ Baby?”

“ You didn’t know.”

I shook my head to confirm her doubts, because no words could possibly leave my mouth without breaking, tearing my façade composure to shreds.

“ He pushed her down the stairs when she was 3 months pregnant, and she lost the baby. He- he actually blamed her for not being a proper mother and taking care of him. He blamed her for not dying, because what kind of mother lives through her baby’s death?” She paused, taking a long breath, wiping at her eyes to imprison the regretful tears that must have been seeking a release.

“ He was taking off his belt to hit her barely conscious self, she felt for something, anything to make it stop, until she- she found a glass vase. She hit him on the head, but he wouldn’t stop, so she took a piece of glass and stabbed him. She stabbed him 3 times, before passing out right beside him. She woke up, 2 whole days later, and she was convinced that he’d be pissed at her for being away for as long as she did, and since then, all was a book that she keeps rereading, over and over again.”

Her voice went through a cycle of rage, regret, fear, all leading to sheer grief.

Images of a smile that I loved dearly, eyes I had drowned into for months, lips that I had kissed with everything in me, flashed in front of my eyes, and I wondered, how could they belong to a murderer?

How was playful, smart, absolutely beautiful Scarlett, holding a secret this dark?

“ And she didn’t do any sentence?”

“ No, because it was self-defense, and they said she needed psychological treatment as soon as possible.”

“ Yo- You said it was a long list, who else did this to her?”

“ Her father for one, then a series of fuck up boyfriends, him, and finally, herself.”

“ But why? Why would she do it to herself?”

“ It wasn’t entirely her doing, Zayn. You see, she felt his hands cutting through her skin, she heard him yelling at her, screaming how pathetic she was, how much of a failure she was, how she was the biggest mistake he had ever made. It was his own demons, haunting her through every excruciating moment of her life. She killed him once, but he killed her, over and over again. We all die once, Zayn, but Scarlett, she- she died a thousand deaths. Do you know how that feels?”

“ No, I don’t think I do.”

“ Good. You don’t deserve to. Nobody does. I believe that’s it.”

She rose from her seat, taking a few steps away from me, but then she stopped, resting her hand on my trembling shoulder.

“ Do you know when was the last time that I’ve seen her alive, not so dead and done for?”

I shook my head yet again.

“ That day at the hospital, she had this look in her eyes, and that smile, God, I don’t remember when I last saw that smile, Zayn. I think- I think you were her blank page. You were a new heart to someone whose heart had been broken, burned, and stepped on. You were a breather of fresh air, Zayn, and she was willing to start over. I saw it.”

That wasn’t true.

I was inked in stories buried deep into my soul, at the very back of my mind, in a chamber that had no key.

I was as taunted as she was.

So how could I ever fix her?

How could I offer her, what I couldn’t offer myself?

How could I love her, for the both of us, if I couldn’t even love my pathetic self?

And I was suddenly enraged by the unfair weight laid upon my weak shoulders.

Why did I have to fix her?

Why did I have to love her, when she seemed so sure there was nothing to love?

Why did I have to keep her alive?

Why me?

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A/N: so, hopefully this clarified a bit of the last chapter's confusion, if not, feel free to ask me anything

4k reads omg ilysm thank you guys, this means the world to me, honestly!

oh and we're exactly 10 chapters away from the very end holy crap

ily x