English Love Affair » z.m au

23. "Forget her."

Zayn

I didn’t know what was wrong.

I didn’t know if something even was considered to be wrong.

The earth was still circling.

Night and day still moved in sync.

The weather was just right.

The streets were still crowded.

TV was still showing The Kardashians shit reality show, which could be called anything but real, because it was all fake as fuck.

Starbucks was still highly overrated.

The 1975 were still touring, a piece of information that Louis gladly shared, over and over again.

Louis and Harry were still deeply in love.

I was still capable of having mind-blowing sex, before magically losing the girl’s number the next morning.

I could still drink, without fully getting drunk.

Everything was exactly how it had been.

As if the past few months hadn’t even happened.

As if she never existed.

Then what the hell was wrong?

Why did my heart feel so misplaced?

Where did that void in my chest come from?

Why couldn’t I feel anything at all?

What happened to me?

Everything was the same.

Louis was Louis.

Harry was Harry.

Harry and Louis were Harry and Louis.

Day was still day.

Night was still night.

London was still London.

But a single, insignificant being would never be the same.

I wasn’t Zayn anymore.

My house didn’t feel like it was mine.

My car didn’t feel like it was my car.

It almost felt like the only thing I ever had, was her.

And I lost her.

For months, I fell and fell.

I drowned and drowned.

I sunk myself into her blissful existence.

And now, now I had hit rock bottom.

I forgot how to swim, and my lifejacket was lost somewhere between the cruelness of reality and the safety of the repetitive history.

The endless ocean devoured me whole, no boats in sight, no voice to call for help.

And every breath I took that didn’t hit her bare skin, felt pointless.

And every word I said that wasn’t into her ears, felt unnoticed.

And every smile I forced that wasn’t for her reassurance, felt heavier.

My mere existence if not devoted for her, felt worthless.

Somehow, I couldn’t identify myself without her.

I lost myself into her, and the one person who would have been able to find me, was lost in her own fucked up world.