English Love Affair » z.m au

26. Six months.

Zayn

 

Six months.

It had been six months since I had last seen her.

I still visited Mary every week.

I still went to Louis’ and Harry’s almost every night.

I carried on, with a smile on my face, and acted as if I didn’t miss her every second of every day.

Like I wasn’t a wreck inside.

I wanted to believe it.

God, did I want to believe that I wasn’t so utterly in love with her, that I could live as if it never happened, as if she, never happened.

They said, that if I played a role long enough, then I would become all that it was.

So I waited, for that happy, complete, unfazed Zayn to take over me.

Only it didn’t.

So I continued to play my role, until it started.

The hallucinations.

I wasn’t only seeing her in my dreams, but while wide awake too.

She was everywhere.

I saw her, walking down the street, with that man she was with at the restaurant. Her hair was long again, but it was pink. She had lost weight, I could almost see her bones protruding from under her skin. She wore a bare white shirt, with a short black skirt, and black combat boots. Her lips weren’t hidden behind her famous red lipstick, they were barely decorated by pink lipstick.

She wasn’t as beautiful, not as breathtaking as I had remembered her to be.

She was much, much, more than that.

She had rid of herself of all that used to make her Scar.

And I was still in love with that perfect stranger in front of me.

I almost approached her, that undeniable force pulling me  towards her, because where else could I possibly go?

But she threw her head back in laughter, her eyes crinkling, laying a hand on her stomach, smiling at someone that wasn’t me.

She then smirked, but it was almost as if she was mocking me.

Mocking all I had ever thought of her, of myself, of how things would turn out to be.

And it killed me.

Absolutely terminated me, because my very last hope, was gone.

The last drop of sanity I managed to maintain was due to my absurd, innocent, self, wished for her wellbeing, and for her heart to still be able to feel me the same way. I fed that foolish hope with every unanswered phone call, every rejected visit, I told myself that she couldn’t answer, or that she had no idea what she was doing. I told myself, one lie, after the other, until I believed it.

I believed that eventually, she’d find her way back to me.

I believed that she still loved me, that in some ridiculous way, I managed to ease her pain, to tame her demons.

I believed it all, because I had to, if I had any chance of survival whatsoever.

That day, she dissolved into the crowd, like a mirage, a shadow that disappeared into darkness, a dream that came to an end a bit too soon.

I called Mary, and she told me that she was released from the rehabilitation center, but she didn’t go to see her, not once.

It didn’t seem like Scarlett to me, but what did I even know about her anymore?

What did I ever know about her?

I then called Louis, because I was certain I was losing it.

And he confirmed it, by laughing at my audacity, then panicking over the fact that I was seeing things now, and that I needed help, and whatnot.

I found myself driving to her old house, torn between desperately wanting to find her there, even if bruised, even if cut to shreds, the thought of her being lost, and I, being the one to find her, felt like a casualty now; my job, almost, and between not wanting to find her, because that would mean that she had been intentionally avoiding me, and I couldn’t afford to pollute my confused head with those cruel thoughts.

She wasn’t there.

The house was dark, seemingly so much older than I had seen it last, when I found her, all bloodied and barely clinging to life. It looked lonelier, sadder, and I never thought there was any lower levels of unhappiness until I saw it, without its companion.

That house and I, were similar in more aspects than one.

We both held so many bad memories, so many reminders that we needed to rid ourselves of.

We were both dusted by time, older than we were supposed to be.

We were both missing the one who destroyed us; the one who made us the way we were now.

We didn’t know what to be, without her.

We were both abandoned, lonely, and slowly wrecked.

“ She broke my heart,” I pathetically spoke to whomever had the ears to hear, “ She broke me all together.”

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A/N: :(((((

I missed you guys btw

ily x