The Tenth Akatsuki

Chapter Four: Rebuilding the Akatsuki

The next day I slept in. I had such a hard time getting up, I just wanted to spend the rest of my life dreaming about the life I could've had with Yahiko. The worst part is that when I woke up, I had to come to terms with myself that Yahiko really is dead. It was all my fault, I could've done so much more just to keep him alive, if only I knew what was going to happen. I just sat there in my bed, not tired at all after sleeping for 12 hours straight, but I wanted to continue sleeping, just so I can continue my fantasy. I thought to myself how people can continue living when they experience something so tragic, Yahiko died only yesterday and I can't stop thinking about him. When I realized he died in the morning after waking up from a realistic dream about Yahiko, I felt my body break like glass, like pain was crumbling me to the ground. In time that glass can be mended, like glued together, but it will never be what it originally was. 

I just want to be with Yahiko, I love him, why did he have to die for me? I did not want to live with myself, not when I failed to protect Yahiko. Why can't this world understand me, understand each other? Why can't this world live in peace? Yahiko shouldn't have died. "Bring Yahiko back," I pleaded, hoping that someone would take off the mask that disguises this world and bring back life. Bring back the peace and wring out the chaos that is this world. Bring back my serenity, my salvation, and cast away the savages that bring nothing but anguish to others. Cast them so far away that they will not be able to apprehend anything else in this world. I have nothing left but despair, the life that was Yahiko has been taken away, and so has some of mine. I need to be myself again, but my heart could never be the same, not with the emptiness that cycles around this unforgiving world. Where is my feelings when I only have myself to lose? Nobody can sympathize for me, I can only feel for myself, not when the hole of darkness opened. This world must experience peace, but I cannot ever amount anything to paradise when the Akatsuki is in a state of dictatorship and pain. I can still feel myself, and I wished someone could help me understand. Maybe I should forget myself, and move on. Isn't that what normal people do? I want to help other people, but I need to help myself from suffering. I need to help myself, remember the memories I had with Yahiko, and continue to protect the ones I love. 

Anyway, I'm sitting in my bed in my room at the Akatsuki base, sobbing for Yahiko. Everything that happened yesterday went by so fast. First, we returned from a very emotionally straining mission that caused Nagato to sleep for an entire week, to having to save Konan with the expense of Yahiko's life. I couldn't help but cry when I realized that trying my best wasn't enough, and that if I had saved Yahiko things wouldn't be my fault. But even so, I'm defeated. 

"Joshua, don't cry," a soft voice said. I quickly wiped away my tears before looking to my left, towards the door. There was Konan. She still had her lavender hair with a paper flower tucked into her hair, and not to mention she had those radiating, heartwarming amber eyes. Just the sight of Konan made my forget about my worries, even if it was just for a little bit. "Joshua?" Konan said, waving her hand in front of me, checking to see if I still had any life left. "Oh, I'm sorry!" I said. "Do you need something?" Konan chuckled. "Joshua, just look to the future, it may seem hard but you'll persevere. I love Yahiko too and its not easy to let go." "Oh -" I said, hanging my head down. "Konan, everything was my fault. If only I trained harder! Then Yahiko would be here with me -" 

"It isn't your fault," Konan said softly as she brushed my hair to the side. "If you continue to blame yourself, then the guilt will only eat you alive." "How do I lose this pain?" I said quietly. "You don't -" Konan replied. "You don't have to lose pain, you just have to learn to forgive yourself - I doubt that Yahiko wants to see you mourn over his death so heavily." "I suppose your right -" I said depressingly. "Thank you, Konan," I said as she smiled at me. "Joshua!" a voice called out. "Looks like I'm needed," I said, getting up to leave. I quickly usher Konan out to tell her that I need to get dressed and ready. I quickly get dressed out of my night clothes and rush out to the center of the base to meet with Nagato. I look over to see Konan standing next to Nagato, listening in. "Joshua, I called you over to ask you one more time if you'd like a spot in the Akatsuki. You mean a lot to me and Konan, not to mention that you are very talented. You have already proven to us to be very formidable which in turn will aspire me to guarantee a bright future for you in the Akatsuki. Your welcome to stay and think things over as long as you'd like," said Nagato very seriously. "No Nagato, that won't be necessary - I've decided to leave," I said very quietly as I stand there looking at Konan and then Nagato.