He is a phenomenon and he doesn't know it.
Beautiful. Intelligent. Lovable.
His words make him fall in love with him and yet his overthinking self does not comprehend it.
The situation that they are being put in. A teacher. A student. Makes it ha...
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This was terrible. An atrocious nightmare I wanted to get out of here. I was sitting across from him, coffee in front of both of us. His plump lips touched the rim of the cup.
After a week of ignoring him. He had finally caught me, after biology. Taken me to the nearest coffee shop to sit me across from him. Letting the silence suffocate me, was killing me.
"You're staring," I tell him and he nods.
"I know. You are doing it too." He whispers and I look away. Bringing the burning coffee to my lips.
"I'm sorry," I whisper to him, inhaling the smell of the coffee before drinking. Humming at the taste. "I shouldn't have kissed you back. Not when you have a girlfriend. When you are in a relationship with someone, I can't do that to anyone and I'm sorry about it. I didn't mean for that to happen." He looks at me for a moment and he nods.
"It's fine, I shouldn't have done it." He whispers and we look into each other's eyes again. "If I didn't have someone. If I didn't have Lauren. Would you consider doing it again?" He asks, shamelessly and I will not lie when I say that I was shocked by his question. I knew that he knew how uncomfortable it had made me, yet I cleared my throat. Took a sip of the coffee, looked at him in the eyes for minutes before looking away and down at my hands in shame.
"I would," I whisper, softly and almost inaudible hoping that he doesn't hear me. But he does so I look straight into his eyes, "I would if I had the chance, I'd let you touch me if you'd want. I'd let you do whatever you'd want with me." I tell him bluntly.
"You can't say that." He whispers and I understand why when I see how he makes this face. Saccharine features twisting in utter horror, I am almost flabbergasted. There is no ounce of disgust on his face. "You can't say that when all I want is to do the same things." I put the spoon inside the cup and I grab my leather bag.
"How long have you been with her?" I ask him and he purses his lips.
"Ten years." He whispers while looking down at his hand.
"How did you two meet?" He stays quiet before looking at me.
"I was the senior in her class. We meet when the class had gone on a trip to Europe." I nod once again and we met eyes. I can't stop looking at them. His beautiful eyes.
"Did you guys break up before?" He looks up, "Only twice." He says. I nod and I stand up.
"Then don't leave her. I am worthless, I will only bring you a headache. Don't lose her, she must be special." I tell him softly and I stand up. I place some money on the table and I turn around to leave.
It is only when I am in my apartment. In the tub inside my bathroom that I cry, realizing what I finally felt. I'd overanalyze the simple gestures and because of this, I keep on getting farther and farther away from the bitter truth.
Fuck you Park Jimin!
Why can't I find a man who is like you, that is not you? Why couldn't I have chosen someone that isn't you?
Questions without answers soon dance around in my head. My brain, it's insatiable it needs to be fed and I don't understand why I can't feed it. Why does my chest hurt so much?
Love, why love. Why did it have to be so difficult? Was this even love? Was it something else? What was it?
What had made me feel this way? Was it how handsome he was? Or was it the tiny monologue he'd talk about at the beginning of class every morning? What was it that made him so special? Made me want to cling to him the moment we had seen each other for the first time. What was this? Why did I hate it? Why did I love it?
It finally dawned upon me. At two in the morning. After I had drunk six shots of the vodka bottle I had stolen from my parent's cabinet before I moved into the complex. I drank it trying to forget his name, yet the only name I had forgotten was my own and even if I was drunk or not, I would still have him on my mind.
It was when I suddenly realized that he was the one. He would bring my emperor to a downfall if he wanted to. That he'd be the one to make me vulnerable.
It was when I noticed that I couldn't stop the feeling inside my chest, or the warmth inside my body when I saw him. Or the butterflies. When I couldn't stop myself admiring the little thing he would do, like look on his face when he'd look at his fingers when he was vexed or just confused or the way he'd make me feel as if though I was in another universe when he'd look into my eyes and tell me that I was a phenomenon. I was not, but if I was stupid I'd believe his words.
It was when I realized, after drinking the whole bottle of vodka, letting the mascara that Olivia had put on me during biology class fall while making my tears turn black when I couldn't remember my name and yet I still knew his name, his love for English, his favorite colors, and his favorite pen.
That I was unbelievably in love with him
That I loved him, Jimin.
The one I could call by his name, hug him all I wanted. But know that in my arms he will never be mine.
Maybe the pain that I felt then, the pain that made me cry my eyes out in that bathroom as I drank the vodka. The pain made me step into the shower and scrub where he had touched me a week ago. Maybe that was a heartbreak.
Knowing that I loved him and yet I couldn't have him because he had someone and that someone had him.
It hurt like hell, but I understood. I was the one to blame, he wasn't he did nothing wrong. Lauren did nothing wrong.
I loved him. But I wouldn't fight for him, I'd let him be happy. Happy to be with someone else when I'll just watch him from afar.
