Once in a Lifetime

One.

For Louis, it all started when Zayn took his final breath. Zayn's untimely death caused shockwaves throughout their friendship group, but Louis undoubtedly took it the hardest. They had been best friends for as long as Louis could remember, always zipping down the streets on their skateboards and causing absolute havoc wherever they went. Throughout their time in school, they were the pair that everyone knew. You would never see Louis without Zayn, and you would never see Zayn without Louis. Best friends wouldn't do their friendship justice. They were more than friends. They were each-others everything, and not once did Louis stop to think of what his life would be like without Zayn's incessant chatter or otherworldly smile. Zayn was the first person Louis told about his sexuality. Louis was the first person Zayn told about his mental health. Not only was Louis the first, but he was also the only person that Zayn ever opened up to about how he was feeling, and now that he was gone Louis couldn't help but question whether he could have done more. They applied for the same universities, accepting the same one and making sure they were put in the same accommodation. That was when they met Liam and Niall. Niall was a loud, humorous, Irish lad with a heart of gold and a laugh that could brighten any room. Liam was slightly more reserved compared to Niall, but he was intelligent, witty, and calm. The four of them clicked instantly, forming a bond that they believed was unbreakable. Throughout first year, the boys would party together, study together, and become integral parts of each other's journeys. Second year was no different, meaning Louis would look across the football field into the stands every week, shaking his head at his three best friends as they waved a 'WE LOVE LOUIS' banner in his direction. They'd always cheer at Louis' games, they'd always dance at Niall's gigs, they'd always attend Zayn's art exhibitions, and they'd always let Liam try new cooking recipes out on them. They were an incredibly supportive group, more like brothers than friends, to be honest. Unfortunately, that started to crumble during the summer between second and third year.

***

"Lou, can I talk to you about something?" Zayn asked, slowly sitting down on the sofa opposite Louis. They'd broken up from university the week before, and since then Zayn just hadn't been himself. He had been quiet and compliant; the opposite of what Louis knew him to be. They were back home now, spending some time with their families before they went back to the house that they shared with the boys. Niall was in Ireland visiting his mum and dad, Liam was in Wolverhampton, and Zayn and Louis were in Doncaster. Zayn was originally from Bradford, and still had some family there, but his life was really in Doncaster.

"Yeah, what's up?" Louis replied, staring intently at the TV screen as he played FIFA on the Xbox. They were currently at Zayn's house whilst his parents were at work.

"Uh, so the thing is, um... Before we left uni to come home I went to the doctors and, uh, they diagnosed me with depression and, um, I thought you should know," Zayn stuttered, looking towards a pile of crumbs on the coffee table. Anything to not look at Louis. He heard Louis throw his controller into the pillow and step across the room, the sofa cushion dipping as he sat next to Zayn's rigid body.

"What do you mean, depression? Why didn't you tell me sooner? Zayn, what the hell?" Louis was shocked, he knew Zayn had been quiet and slightly more shy than usual, and he knew Zayn would shut himself into his room some evenings, but Louis thought he just wanted some space to work or whatever.

"University just got too much; you know what I mean? I know it's stupid, I just couldn't cope, and I was feeling really low, and I felt like I could cry at any moment. and I didn't want to bother you guys with it but when I was walking to the bus one day, I had this overwhelming urge to step in front of it, I'm sorry." Louis swallowed down the lump in his throat. Zayn was being so open and fragile, and it was a side of him Louis had only ever seen once before, when his grandpa passed away.

"Zayn Malik, don't you ever apologise for having emotions, okay? I'm sorry you felt like that, and you felt that you couldn't tell us, tell me, even. I'm your mate, Z, nothing you ever say is stupid. Well, unless you talk about dinosaurs coming back to wipe out civilisation," Louis smiled, nudging Zayn gently. "But honestly, just promise to talk to me, yeah?" Zayn agreed, and they ended up cuddling on the sofa until Louis got hungry and ordered a pizza.

***

That was in July, but by the time September came around Zayn was faking happiness more than he actually felt it. Louis could tell that Zayn was struggling. He had to force himself out of bed to go to lectures. He'd make excuses as to why he couldn't go to Niall's gig or why he couldn't be there to try Liam's food. He'd make himself go to Louis' games, though, because no matter how terrible he felt he refused to let his best friend look into the stand and notice his absence. He couldn't do that to Louis, not yet anyway. He'd spend hours in his room, painting canvases with the same sad, empty colours. Black, blood red and dark blue seemed to take over his life. Laughter was a distant friend. He just wasn't Zayn anymore. Louis did what he could, but Zayn refused to tell anyone about his depression, not even Liam and Niall. They knew something was wrong, they knew Zayn wasn't himself, but they had no idea the extent of Zayn's despair.