TordTom OneShots

Don't Tell Me [Angst]

There's nothing I could've done to make the situation any better. I only did what I thought would be the best for both of us. Either way it all would've gone to shit, but I couldn't stand to lose him, to have his life taken away. It was either his life, my dignity, or both of our lives. 

Tord wouldn't talk to me at all after it and I wouldn't blame him. I was unfaithful, bound to a contract that had him unintentionally tied into it, after we started dating. He hadn't known of it and I hadn't the strength to tell him. If he had, surely he would've taken action and put his own life at risk, and I couldn't have that.

"You're a lying, cheating, piece of shit!" It replayed in my mind. The sleepless nights only increased as I was reminded of the absolute pain I caused to Tord. His eyes were full of rage, betrayal, sadness, disappointment, confusion; emotions best shown through the eyes. Words that followed were all but kind and understanding. I only expected the worst from them anyway, for my actions were unforgivable. Hurt that I caused, not only to Tord, but to Edd and Matt as well, flooded my mind day and night. 

Matt took time to listen and try to understand after 3 weeks. At that point I had hidden myself away in my room, not daring to come out for the most basic of necessities. He had delivered me food every other day, still worried for my wellbeing; I was still a human after all, even if my actions were anything but. We sat and talked after, him asking questions, me trying my best to answer honestly. Time only passed by as I opened up little by little to Matt, letting him in on what had happened, why it happened, how it happened.

"Years ago, before I moved in with you guys.. Andrew, the guy I told you before; he was offering me a job. There wasn't much to it at first, I thought it was a regular ass bartending job, ya'know? Making drinks, serving people, deafly listening to the ramblings of a random drunk asking for another round." Matt leaned in closely, his left arm propping his head up as he laid on my bed. I sat with my back against the wall, on the floor, crossing my legs. "He started giving me more questionable jobs such as running a package over to another bar, picking up a delivery of new glasses, attending a raffle for a particular painting that ended up costing much more than it looked it should've been. Stupid shit like that. I only thought nothing of it at the time because I was getting more money, and I was living in a shitty ass apartment so... Didn't care." I shrugged. I could tell at that point that Matt became more concerned.

"Was it drugs?" Matt asked. His head tilted slightly, looking at me with piercing blue eyes. Those eyes held a gentle touch to them, but one that could easily turn and be protective. I didn't have the guts to answer verbally, so I only nodded my head in return.

"Not just that though. It was a whole lot of shit, man." I stated. "Drugs, gambling, theft, assault, murder.. Too much. I had to swear to secrecy with all of it, not to tell a soul. Fucking, I don't care anymore. What do I have to lose at this point? Andrew wanted a quick fuck, threatening me. Threatening Tord. I have never said a damn thing about Tord to him; fuck I hadn't even talked to Andrew for almost 2 years at that point! The fucker has me tracked down! I had no choice. If I were to have just killed myself, he wouldn't leave without getting blood on his own hands. I wasn't going to risk it and I'd hate myself for everything either way." Deciding to stop there, I stood and paced back and forth. 

Matt sat up, dropped his hands in his lap, and sighed. He didn't say anything and I wouldn't expect him to. If it were me, I'd get up and leave. There was no reason for Matt to stay though, to listen to me, to stand up and hug me. But he did. It left me confused, why would you show sympathy for such a mess as myself? Hadn't you seen the trouble I caused? Have my words and actions fall upon him, only to be blind to them? I was lost, oh so lost.

His actions only made me weep, clinging onto his hoodie which I stained with my tears. I gave him no reason to believe me, nor to care, but he did. He reassured me, thanked me for telling him, held me. It was all I needed to feel somewhat okay again.

I moved out after that conversation, only a week after it had happened. Matt supported me and wished me the best as he helped my move. We still talk, when I can. 

Andrew offered me to stay with him. I ran back to him every time even if I knew I shouldn't. I couldn't bring myself to tell Matt it was Andrew who he just barely glanced at when helping me move. Lying, I told him that Andrew's name was Donny. They didn't meet, I made sure they wouldn't.

▶▶

"Tom!" A familiar voice called out. The mall was basically empty at this point, only 15 minutes before closing. "Oh my goodness!" 

I was pulled back into a tight grasp. Andrew held onto me firmly as I could only watch Matt run up to us in pure joy. It had been about a month or so since I've even talked to him, let alone seen him in person. He came to a stop in front of me, visually confused as to why I didn't make an effort to move. I could feel the discomfort of Edd and Tord following up behind him without even looking at them. My eyes stayed glued to the floor.

"Who are you?" Andrew asked, his voice stern and deep. He was much taller than me, stronger than me, scarier than me. He could be most intimidating without even trying. 

"I'm Matt, Tom's old roommate. Who're you?" His smile was big, only from what I could assume was from seeing me. That smile was contagious, but not enough for me to reciprocate it. The smile soon faded anyway, as it should. There was no reason to feel happy to see me.

"Andrew, Tom's boyfriend. Now what is it you want? We're busy." Silence

"What... No. Tom?" Matt trailed off. He couldn't put his words together, I could see it in his face. His eyes... The same eyes that Tord had that night. Such pain, such discomfort, such confusion.

 "Tom... Don't tell me.. That's."

▶▶

'I miss you. I miss you so much. You treated me right, you loved me. I was nothing less than a human being to you, treated as a human being should be treated. Showering me with kisses and surprise hugs in the morning. I had no reason to believe I could fuck it all up for us. I had no reason to believe I would hurt you so badly. I miss you, I do. If I had the power to erase it all, to start all over, I would. There wont be a day where I wont cry, knowing that I've lost you to my own foolish mistakes and selfishness. I hope you've moved on. I hope you've found peace. I hope you know that I love you and always will.'

I closed my notebook, throwing it aside. My room was a mess, clothes strewn all over, paper scattered, pencils and pens in a pile in the corner. Half of my bed sheets and blankets hung off the side of my bed, pillows sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed. I refused to sleep in it, I refused to sleep comfortably. I didn't deserve a nice bed, a nice blanket, a nice pillow, a nice room, a nice home. If I slept, I slept on the floor. That was my place.
Andrew was rarely home. He didn't care. Who would? All I could do was make a mess of things, it was inevitable. There was no point in trying. So don't tell me there is.