our gentle sin

the lies we tell ourselves

14.

JENNIE POV

There seemed to be a sort of role reversal going on between Lisa and myself, both of us standing at the edge of the river, Lisa a couple of feet away from me, skipping stones wordlessly, as she had been for most of the time we had spent together today.

Torn between wanting to give her space and wanting the usual dose of attention I got from her, my selfish side won out, though I did approach her with a gentle tone.

"Hey." After closing the distance between us, I stood by her side and tugged on the hem of her sleeve to get her attention. Looking at me, she lowered her arm that held a stone in it, waiting for me to go on. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she answered simply and unconvincingly, turning back to face the river and throwing yet another stone. I watched as it skipped three times, silently impressed and mentally noting to ask Lisa to teach me some other time.

"Hey!" I tugged on her sleeve again, more demanding this time. She swung her body round to face me with vigour. "There's obviously something wrong, you never act like this."

Taking quick steps away from me, Lisa clearly didn't want to talk to me about what she was feeling, naturally, it made me all the more curious.

"Just drop it, Jennie." Her long strides became shorter moments after I cursed her long legs and managed to catch up to her after breaking into an almost jog.

"Drop what?" I made a third grab for her, this time getting a hold of her wrist, ensuring she couldn't walk away from me again.

"You won't want to hear about it." She pulled her wrist back but gave up after one try after she realised my grip on it was too tight for her to escape, though she offered no words of complaint.

I was growing more intrigued by the minute, but whatever it was, Lisa was getting weighed down by it. I knew I had to at least be a little sensitive rather than just demand her to tell me.

"If something's upsetting you, then of course I would want to hear about it." My voice was more gentle than I had intended, with even a hint of hurt creeping in. It wasn't in the least bit artificial though. I realised that having Lisa thinking I wouldn't want to hear about her problems wounded me more than I cared to admit.

"Fine, Mina broke up with me. Are you happy?" Her tone was laced with sarcasm that I guessed was masking her hurt.

She pulled her wrist back and my fingers reflexively loosened; hearing Mina's name was a blow to the chest that I hadn't quite anticipated. However, upon processing what Lisa had just said, a surge of euphoria passed through my body, a weight lifting off my chest that I hadn't even realised had been pressing down and slowly suffocating me.

A smile crept up on me inadvertently, but I quickly shut it down when I caught sight of Lisa's sullen face, soft brown eyes wet with unshed tears and just as fast as it had lifted, there was a weight pressing down on me once again.

"I'm sorry," I tried to say convincingly but apparently failed at doing so. I think it may have even sounded more like a question.

"No, you're not," came Lisa's quiet reply.

"I'm sorry that you're hurting," I confessed truthfully, implicitly stating what we both knew; I was not sorry that Lisa had been broken up with, although in an ideal world, Lisa would have broken up with her. It didn't make sense to me that someone would break up with Lisa, anyone would be lucky to have her and if they didn't see that then they were obviously blind.

She gave me a weak smile before turning her head to the stretched-out river, keeping her thoughts trapped in her own mind. Wanting to offer her whatever comfort I could, I hugged onto her arm and laid my head on her shoulder, intertwining one of our hands together.

Lisa's scent hit me like a truck. I had never been this close to another person before, especially not for this long, as we both stood looking out over the river. I inhaled as deeply and as quietly as I could, taking in the faint smell of vanilla and strawberries mixed with what I presumed to be Lisa's own distinct smell, whilst I clung tighter to her arm as dizziness swirled in my head.

I had to hold my breath for a few seconds when Lisa tilted her head, resting it atop my own. Licking my dry lips, I took slow, steady breaths, attempting to slow down my racing heart, realising that I was not used to affection whatsoever. Not even Irene had been fond of such physical tenderness and at some point in my early teens, it had just stopped altogether.

"Why did she break up with you?" I tried to distract myself from how providing comfort to a friend had me feeling so overwhelmed.

"We just..." She trailed her sentence off, as if thinking about what to say. "We just weren't right for each other." It sounded like a lie, or at least a half-truth, but I decided not to press. As much as I wanted to know, the details of Lisa's break-up were for her to know and share if she so desired.

Happiness was bubbling up in me, along with traces of guilt since Lisa was clearly so disheartened, it took all I had to not start bouncing up and down with giddiness then and there.

"Maybe it was for the best," I offer aimlessly. She lifts her head and looks at me, prompting me to lift my own, though I kept a hold on her arm.

"You would think so," she retorts, the corners of her mouth tugging up in amusement. I grin back at her.

"You're right-- I would. But I think you do too."

"True." She agrees, "I'm not as sad as I maybe should be, so maybe I didn't like her as much as I thought I did." I suppress a bigger grin at her confession, but apparently fail. "Don't look so happy." She teases and I find myself hiding my face in her sleeve to conceal my blushing.

"Sorry," I mumble against the material.

"And stop with the fake apologies, you're not fooling anyone. And this doesn't mean I'm suddenly straight." She almost laughs.

That was fine. She didn't have to be straight, she just had to be single.

Pulling my face up, she catches sight of my grinning face, leading to her chasing me up the riverbank with laughter from both of us. The unpleasant atmosphere that had not long ago encased us diminishing entirely, along with a certain ex-girlfriend and past disagreements.

Things would be better now. I wouldn't lie awake at night wondering if Lisa was with Mina. I wouldn't sit in my prayers thinking about whether or not she was kissing her. I felt lighter and I felt more comfortable being close to Lisa now.

Sure, Lisa was still gay, she had made a point to let me know again, but maybe it didn't matter as much if she wasn't dating anyone. As long as she didn't act on her feelings, then it wasn't a sin... I think. Yes, I'm sure, because sin is an action, not a feeling.

I hoped she didn't start dating anyone else. It was unlikely, but I thought about what would happen if Lisa started dating a boy.

That should be better than her dating a girl, but the idea didn't feel better, in fact, I think it felt a little worse. It still made me feel sick to imagine Lisa dating someone else, male or female. Probably because I felt that she would spend less time with me if she started dating someone new. I just didn't want Lisa to leave me behind for someone else, she was my first real friend and I didn't want to lose her.

At least for the time being, I had her all to myself. No girlfriends or boyfriends. Just me and Lisa.