our gentle sin

garden of eden

17.

JENNIE POV

When Lisa had pulled me out of the library, I caught eyes with Irene. She smiled, but it quickly melted into a frown once she had seen who I was with. It was maybe around a week ago when she had pulled me aside to check in on my progress with Lisa, though I think it was more so she could make sure I hadn't been pulled over to the dark side.

If only she knew.

I quickly looked away from her, my heart beating erratically and feeling guiltier than ever. It felt like I had 'I just made out with Lisa' written all over my face. Lisa hadn't noticed Irene, she had been too preoccupied with pulling me out of the convent, probably afraid I may change my mind.

And even now still hadn't released my hand for even a second since she had grabbed it in the library.

We were on a train. I wasn't sure where we were going. It didn't matter as long as I was with Lisa. Although we were holding hands, we were yet to speak again. I was waiting for Lisa. I was ready to talk but I needed her to take the lead.

When she doesn't, I squeeze her hand. She looks at me immediately.

"Are you okay?" Her words are laced with worry, so I nod reassuringly at her. "We're not going far, just to the next City. Incheon, have you ever been?" I shake my head. "No, of course not. I haven't either."

It's clear although I was ready to talk, Lisa wasn't, at least not right here.

In the time that we were apart after she first kissed me, I had thought. A lot. I was panicking, of course. It was as if I had no control over my body when I kissed her back, almost like an out-of-body experience. But when my wits returned, reality came crashing back and I got out of there as fast as I could. In bed that night was when it really hit me that I felt a way I shouldn't about Lisa. And that those feelings were really strong.

I tried praying immediately, but it became quickly clear that something wasn't right. For the first time since I was young, I didn't feel like I had my whole heart in the prayer.

And that was what scared me most; I didn't want to not feel the way I felt about Lisa. It may have been a lot easier if I just didn't have those sorts of feelings for Lisa, but for the first time in my life, I did not want easy.

In those hours in between both kisses, try as I may, I could not convince myself that I wanted to not feel as I did. It was a tiring battle. I didn't sleep a wink and passed through everything I did mindlessly, including morning prayer. So, when Lisa dragged me to the corner, she also pulled me from that battle, and all I wanted to do was give in.

It wasn't easy, but I did it. I gave in and let her kiss me again. I kissed her harder than the last time, and this time when I left, I didn't leave on my own. And as I sat here with her now, I knew I made the right decision. If I had run away from her again, I would have been sat back in my bed letting my regrets eat away at me, wishing I was with Lisa instead.

Did this mean I was sinful?

According to the Bible, it did, but according to Lisa, it didn't. I didn't feel dirty as I imagine one would when sinning. Being with Lisa felt natural. It felt right. But wasn't homosexuality unnatural? Had the devil corrupted my soul?

I was a good Christian though. I did everything I was supposed to, so how had the devil managed to poison me? Although, no one is exempt from sin, it's what makes us human.

Was this a test?

As Lisa has said before, you choose to sin, you don't choose to feel. When she had said that, I had replied that you choose to act on that attraction, but before she had said that, I was under the impression that she could be cured of her sexuality, not that she should repress it. That's what I had been taught, but Lisa was right, I couldn't just turn off my feelings or turn them into something else.