A Marshmallow's Guide to Loving a Complete Idiot (Inanimate Insanity)(Marshple)

Lesson #1: Don't Make Much Ado About Nothing

Marshmallow, fresh out of the factory, was destined for nothing. She came to bein the way that a lot of objects tended to be - that is, unceremoniously dropped into the thick of a deceptively simple society. Naturally pragmatic, she dealt with it better than most. She got an education, she shopped at Walmart, she got a job as a Walmart commercial actor. She had about everything she needed, thanks to that: food, water, shelter, modest fame, and most of all, Walmart. She lived comfortably.

Something was always missing, though. She guessed that was what possessed her to join Inanimate Insanity.

That was her first mistake.

⁂⁂⁂

Her second mistake, though she didn't know it until recently, was telling it like it is. The idea of some fat red guy running around and giving presents to people once per year was preposterous - why would you invent a holiday miracle when you could just shop at Walmart?

As it turned out, the truth could hurt a lot, and so could making an enemy out of someone with leagues more athletic ability than you.

⁂⁂⁂

Sure, there were other mistakes here and there, of... varying severity. But honestly, things were going really well, before she got thrown into space by a... giant boulder? Why the boulder was even there, how it slammed into her with the force of a semi-truck, why her trajectory was extreme enough to send her out of the atmosphere- none of it mattered. She had more important things to contemplate.

Marshmallow, Walmart-tycoon, reality TV star, and habitual complainer, was all alone.

That is to say, there was nobody there for her, in the entire, endless expanse of space. She rolled a rusty Mars rock around in her hands for something to do. It was identical to an Earth rock, save for being freezing cold, and red. It was the exact opposite of being set on fire, in fact. With a touch of wry amusement, Marsh thought she must be some kind of expert on that.

'I can't believe she set me on fire just a month ago. Who'd have thought it was all so pointless?'

She didn't care that much as she chucked it into the air, watching gravity take it off into the vacuum of space.

'...I mean, at least we worked everything out before I could die. Between making amends and coming up to space, it's like my whole bucket-list is being knocked out today. ...At least I'll know what the afterlife's like. And as for my body, Apple probably won't desecrate my grave, or laugh at all the eulogies at my funeral, so I should count my blessings... Of course, the odds anyone will come up here to collect my remains to hold a funeral are slim.'

Her hand balled into a fist.

"This is so stupid! I can't die right as things start to look up for me!"

Her voice hardly even echoed as it was swallowed by the silence. Was this how Apple felt on that other island for all those months?

She lay down, shivering at the cold and feeling a pang of guilt in her gut. "If dying alone in this place is the fate you've written for me, universe, you're the worst writer! This is anticlimactic, and someone somewhere will REWRITE this."

Marsh's head swam from lack of oxygen. She sighed.

"Universe, if you let me live... I'll take it as a sign that this truce was meant to be, OK? Just give me a sign."

It was too passive for her tastes, but what else could she do, with her Walmart gadgets miles away?

When a rocket-ship came a few minutes later, she realized that she'd made the right choice. This was a truce that was meant to be.