Phonophobia

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"All you have to do is push it up there Baybi, it won't hurt."

"It'll probably sting and crack something open in there, you never know."

Bad idea.

"Maybe tomorrow, yeah, tomorrow I'll do it." I smiled assuring the imaginary devil and angel on my shoulders.

I tuck back the box of tampons into my small wardrobe and close it shut.

I usually don't go to the shop a day after I've had an attack, Gabrielle says if I stay in, it'll help me soothe my mind. But truth be told, I feel embarrassed, embarrassed that I let it happen again, embarrassed that Mr– err – I mean Payne saw it, he saw the pathetic me! Not that the un-pathetic me wasn't pathetic. I feel embarrassed that, I can't control myself.

I feel like poop.

Groaning, I flopped on my bed only to let out another loud groan when my butt met with the wood beneath my flimsy mattress.

"Why me!" I cursed burying my face in my pillow.

I'm stressed, I need to get rid of it. I need to get drunk.

Ice-cream drunk.

The thought of ice-cream made me giddy, I could use some of Gabrielle's cheesecake as well. I sprang up from my bed and threw an oversized hoodie over my tank top, almost tripping over my sweatpants from running out to the front door.

I try to distract myself from the fairly loud thump my heart was drumming. 

After I've slipped my shoes on, I slowly close my door behind me, plugged my ear buds and started walking.

It would have been nice if I owned an iPod, I would've had tons of music that I would listen to. But I don't listen to music, I know better than that. 

There was no wind but the air was chilly and nice. The streets were less busy and even the sidewalks were lacking. . . sidewalk–ers?

A lot of people might be working by this time of the morning or maybe taking the day off, just like me.

But something doesn't feel right.

I turned around, suddenly feeling paranoid for some reason. But all I saw was a man was walking his cute fluffy dog. There was something off about the man though, he didn't seem suspicious but there was something about him that didn't sit right.

I gave him a nervous smile before resuming my walk. I pull my hair up into a messy bun and tried to not feel self conscious or paranoid.

There were random kids on the side bench with their families doing random stuffs that families probably do. I used to have a family once, but that aside, the closest people I have as a family was Gabrielle and her son Derrick.

So much for tossing me into a foster home.

I felt the urge to puke build up my throat as I bit back a gag. I need to stop thinking about the past, about them.

I need that ice-cream fast.

I increased my pace, walking fast but steady, I didn't want to lose my footing.  I could still feel the man's presence behind me, the paws of his dog pattering on the concrete layers of the sidewalk.

A funny part of me thought he was following me, but we all know that's impossible. Right?

My anxiety rose and the urge to bolt down the street was held back by the poorly laid back side of me. Instead I settled for the speed my feet were providing.

I couldn't help but notice that this man was also picking up his speed and taking the same turns as I did.

I can't be the only one taking the same route right? I mean the streets are meant for everyone. I'm being extra silly today.