The Earth Begins to Sway || Falsettos

Going Through Stuff

I knock on the door, hands trembling. 

"Oh, God, another patient? Come in," Mendel says from inside. 

"It's Jason," I notify him before entering. 

"Oh, Jason. Your mom told me she was getting you to come here." I open the door while he's talking. "So... she didn't tell me much about your reasons for coming. You can start if you're comfortable." 

I sit down and begin, telling him everything, specifically about a few nights ago. About how a while prior, everything seemed to be breaking. About my near attempt. He listens. Maybe he's a good psychiatrist sometimes. 

"Oh my God," he breathes. I wonder why my psychiatrist is so affected by this, but then I remember he's my stepfather. "Jason, I wish I could've helped you." 

"You are helping me." 

"Well, I wish I'd been able to sooner. So when you were talking about dealing with all the death, was it more serious than you let me know?" 

A tear falls when I look down. "Everything was more serious than I ever let you know." 

"Jason, I'm so glad we started talking about this. I'm going to get you help, you know." He stares down at himself. "Professional help." 

"You are a professional," I remind him. 

"Yes, but you're also my son, so I'm not sure if I should have you as a patient. Well, I did have my wife as a patient. But it was before we got married. And before we started going out." He's talking more to himself now. 

"Mendel, please. I need to talk to someone I know about this." 

"That's fair." He looks concerned. "And you know I care about you, right?" 

Of course I know that. He's helped me more than I could help myself. 

-

I talked with Mendel for a long time. I'd always just assumed he'd be like he used to be at therapy sessions, not very helpful at all. But I'm pretty sure that was only because he was obsessed with Mom, and now that they're married, it's kind of over with. Plus the obvious. 

Sometime later in June, I walk over to Charlotte and Cordelia's. It's not easy, but I'm sure I can handle being there. 

Charlotte is sitting on the living room couch when I come in, reading a magazine. 

"Hey," I greet her quietly. 

She turns to me. "Oh, hi, Jason!" 

"Um... I wanted to apologize to Rose, for kind of... running off like that last time we saw each other, and I wanted to... do better... for saying goodbye to her." 

"Oh... honey, you didn't hear?" As soon as she says this, I know what's up. "Rose isn't living with us anymore." 

I seem to be holding back tears. "Oh, yeah. I forgot." And then I notice her expression. "Are you guys doing okay?" 

Charlotte sighs. "No, not really," she says bluntly. 

I sit down next to her. "So why was she taken? Well, I don't know. Was she moved or just taken?" 

"I have no idea what happened to her." She's starting to get a little resentful. "Cordelia called them to say we'd decided to take the adoption route, but they had something to say first. Apparently we just weren't a 'good fit' or anything. I'm not sure if Rose called before, or..." 

"Oh." I feel really bad for the three of them. 

"Homophobia, that's what it is," Cordelia pipes up from her and Charlotte's room. "Ask anyone. They found that Rose wasn't in a 'suitable' home with two opposite-sex parents, and so they sent her back into the danger." 

"Cordelia, I told you it was probably something else. The same social worker placed her with us in the first place," Charlotte reminds her. 

"Maybe they had a change of heart for the worse." 

"Well, whatever it is, that sucks, and I'm sorry," I interject. "We all lost something there." 

Cordelia gasps, still out of sight. "Oh, I forgot how close you were with Rose!" She sounds tearful. 

"Mm, it's okay." Even though it's not. 

"So what have you been up to lately? I don't think we've talked since last month," Charlotte says to me. 

"Oh... I don't really want to talk about it. I'm afraid of it being... triggering." 

She gives me a look and then puts an arm around me. "I'm sorry whatever happened happened," she tells me quietly. "It sounds like we're all going through some stuff, and we should be here for each other." 

"Like Rose and I were," I laugh a little bit. Charlotte looks sad again. "I'm sorry," I say quickly. 

"It's okay," she assures me. "I can tell you need someone new to confide in, and I'll be there." 

What the fuck is happening with the people around me? I'm so grateful that I feel ungrateful for how grateful I am. "Thanks." 

"Of course, kiddo." She kisses my head, then calls, "For God's sake, Cordelia, come out of our room, we have a guest!"