Just Tell Me You Love Me (Book 1 in the Just Series) *under editing*

Chapter 41

Massimo

"I feel so guilty for loving her so much. For loving her this much. I feel so guilty for loving her more than I loved Cassie," I said. "Mamma, I loved Cassie. I Loved her with all my heart. She meant the whole world to me. I would have loved her forever."

"Mio figlio, I know that," my mother said, as she put her hand on top of mine. "But she has been gone a long time. You cannot continue to bury yourself and your heart with her."

I decided to go Italy after what happened in my office. I just needed time to clear my head.

Arabella was right. I needed to deal with whatever was holding me back.

She deserved better.

She deserves love. But I know that I can't go back to her until I have dealt with the guilt I feel for loving her.

"I just don't understand how I could love anyone else. I don't understand how I can love anyone more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I feel like I have betrayed Cassie. I don't want her to think that I didn't love her as much as I say I did..."

"Oh Massimo! No one thinks that. I'm quite certain that Cassie knew how much you loved her and she won't have you thinking that way."

"I just..." I trailed off, my voice cracking.

"Oh honey, it is because that you were so hurt, that you were able to love someone more than you have ever loved anyone in the world. It takes an extraordinary person to open up and heal a broken heart. And that person for you is Arabella. Loving someone else doesn't mean that you loved Cassie any less. A healed heart can love deeper and more fully than ever before. It doesn't always happen, but when the right person comes along. They have the power to heal and open your heart to great possibilities of the future. It takes an incredibly amazing person to love you knowing that you have loved another with all your heart. And that is exactly what Arabella has done for you. She loved you with her whole heart without asking for anything in return. She loved you knowing about your past, your fears, pain, and guilt. She was able to make a mark in your like and worm her way into your heart, despite all the walls you have surrounded your heart with. Not many people who have experienced loss the way you did are lucky enough to get a second chance in life and love. You have been given a second chance. Don't turn your back on the chance to be happy again. Mio figlio, you loved Cassie with your whole heart when you were together, she knew that. Everyone knew that. No one ever doubted that. I know that Cassie didn't doubt that either. I don't mean to disrespect Cassie, god knows I loved her like my own daughter - but what you had with her was different. She doesn't challenge you the way Arabella does. You two compliment each other. Cassie tried so hard to always please you, even when it wasn't right. But arabella, she can hold her own. She challenges you at every turn. You need someone like her. Someone who will stand up to you and tell you when you are wrong. You are much too... Well you know," she said full of affection and admiration, and teasing.

I chuckled lightly. "Stubborn?"

"That's putting it mildly, my son," she retorted making me laugh softly.

"When you get hurt and suffer through great pain, it changes you. You lose a part of yourself and you can never get it back. But sometimes the world gives you a chance to fill that void. It takes an extraordinary person to make you feel whole again. Not everybody gets that chance. Not everyone is lucky to meet someone amazing enough to surpass the kind of love that transcends death. It takes great courage to love someone who's already felt and experience true love with someone else, without having envy and grudge. It takes another act of true love to accept that and love that about you."

My mother's eyes welled up with tears. "I have watched you grieve over the tragedy of losing Cassie. And I knew that you will have a hard time moving on. I didn't think that you would find someone to love, but one look at Arabella, I knew that you have found you're second chance. The way you two looked at each other, it felt right. It was as if the stars have fallen into place. I knew it would take an exceptional person to open up your heart again. And I was right. Arabella, she's exceptional and I just knew she was meant for you."

"I do love her mamma. I love her with everything in me. Just thinking of not being with her kills me."

"Then you have to let go of your guilt. Embrace your future with her. Let go of your past, Massimo."

***

After talking to my mother, I have come to realize a lot of things.

I was young when I met and fell in love with Cassie, but I loved her. I loved her with my whole heart and I would have loved her forever, but she's gone.

She's been gone a long time.

The love I had for her had been a young man's love. Innocent in its own way and it ended far too soon. It ended before it could grow deeper. It ended before it could be tested with time and trials.

I know now that I'm more capable of loving deeper. I'm capable of feeling more because I have lived longer, learned more, and I've gone through pain. My mother's words were right. A healed heart can love deeper and more fully. I've been so determined never to love again. I vowed never to open myself up to more pain and suffering, that became so blind to what my heart was screaming at me.  I missed out on so many moments when I could have loved freely and accepted Arabella's love fully. I tried so hard to tell myself that I've loved once and that was enough - when in fact, I have yet to experience the kind of love that is all encompassing. The kind of love that awakens the soul. The kind of love that challenges you. Makes you want to be a better person. The kind of love that ignites a fire deep within you heart and soul, but brings peace to your mind. That's the kind of love I've found in Arabella. I never thought love could be so powerful.

I realized now that I wasn't betraying Cassie's memory and the life we shared together by moving on. I am in fact honouring the love we shared together. Through her I first learned about love.

I know now what she meant when she said that I should continue living, and find someone I could love. Because a life without love isn't a life at all.

Before Arabella, I had no life. I was merely existing. But I don't want to just exist anymore. I want to live. And I had no interest in living without Arabella beside me. I refuse to live without her. I knew what life was like without her, and I will not live that way again.