They say, there are five stages of grief.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
But, between those, there is pain and guilt.
The first stage, is denial.
You can't accept the lost of a loved one.
You don't belive it when people tell you that they are gone.
Everyone will try to convince you, that they are gone,
But your answer will be the same
"They are not dead!"
After denial, there is anger.
Anger towards yourself, towards everyone.
You'll feel the anger burning deep down in your bones.
You'll think that devastating a room,
Or taking it out on a punching bag, will calm it down,
But it won't.
Soon as the anger dies, the bargaining stage comes.
You'll think that "Maybe if I did something more"
That, "It should have been me, not them",
"If I was there more.", "If I was more careful."
All those maybes, and "if's" will consume your thoughts.
But soon after them, the guilt and the pain will settle in.
You'll feel the pain of the loss, even more than at the beginning.
You'll blame yourself for not doing enough,
You'll think that all of that was your fault.
And if you were able to do more, they would still be alive.
With gulit and pain, comes the stage of depression.
You'll either isolate yourself or you'll stay quiet.
You can do both.
You'll shut people out of your life in order to cope.
Declining calls, leaving messages on read, or maybe just saying or typing the usual lie "I'm fine."
The depression stage might be the longest,
But, it will end.
After that, will come acceptance.
You'll realise that, they are gone,
And that you can't do anything anymore.
"They are dead, they are gone. There's nothing to do anymore. I can't change anyhing."
That you need to move on.
You need to make them proud.
They might be gone, but, they'll be watching over you.
Their body may be gone.
But their soul is present, watching and protecting.
