Devour

Chapter 38 - Dax

Pippa finds me a suitably quiet church to pray in.

I don't remember how to pray.

Miss Cora told me it was just closing my eyes and thinking really hard about what I wanted and what I knew was right. I don't know if that's right. I don't even know if she was a believer or not. My parents weren't. They didn't have faith.

But I need faith.

I need to believe. I have to believe in something if only in myself.

But I didn't sleep last night. I tried reading a comic book and it didn't work. It was like I was alone. I couldn't feel anyone there there was no comfort in the words like they'd all abandoned me and gone off to somewhere better and I'm left here alone to sort everything out. I've never felt so alone as I did last night. It's like I'm slipping farther and farther away from everything I've ever been.

I wanted to go prowl the streets after the drink but Pippa made us go home. I complained. She said I could have my tracer after church, or she'd go with me either way, and we could do what I liked but I did need to sleep.

But I didn't sleep.

I toss and I turned and all I could think of was that it would be so much simpler if I just walked into the Thames. I just don't want to exist it's too goddamn hard. It's so hard. And none of it seems to matter. Everyone else gets to die. Why do I have to survive? Why is it so easy for some people to survive the Patch's of the world who do stupid things and don't even care and they survive and I so want to go on and I don't I don't I just keep living in spite of myself. There must be a reason. There has to be a reason I'm still here when all the rest have died.

People file in and out of the church talking to god quietly and amongst themselves. A priest or rabbi person approaches me but I shake my head that I'm fine, and gesture to Pippa. That confuses him until he sees the bracelet. But he's nice he just nods and lets me sit here having an emotional crisis with or without whatever god is meant to be here.

But none of it matters.

I can't bring them back. Moreover they didn't come back. My dad isn't dead. Errol isn't dead. He left. Somehow someway he lived. And Miss Cora died. But how? It doesn't make sense. And I'm the stupidest person in the world it's not like I'll figure it out when Emma and the police can't. He woke Nel up. He woke Nel and told her to run. Run? He didn't say get out of the house.

He said run because he thought he was done for. And because he thought the threat was still there. He was going to tell her more but he didn't.

Why not? And why couldn't she find his mind anymore?

It doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense and it should, it should make sense. It's simple. What does Emma always tell me with school the most obvious answer is usually the right one?

I hate this. It's not like I can do anything even if I do figure it all out. I hate not having access to my trackers like I did. Pippa's nice and she is willing to give them to me when she can but it isn't the same she has classes too and she could be caught. Christine had really great motivation not to be caught she'd lose her job if----

How did Patch find out about that?

He followed me some time? Sure he and Alistair did follow me a few times they found us in the curry shop----but how? That could have been coincidence right? Maybe. But I'd been all over London that night. They must have just spotted us through the window.

But how did he know about me and Christine? Maybe it's common knowledge among the handlers. Maybe Alistair told him.

I go over our argument in my mind, like I do most interactions I have with people. It upsets me, obviously, that we quarreled. I feel bad. He was technically in the right after all and I did get cross with him. And punch him. That wasn't nice. I should apologize. What made me so mad? His words grated on me because they were true. I was angry because he was so right about everything. Of course he is he's my brother he knows me.