Tapped Energy

7/14/21- triggered

It is within those moments...the spaces in time where it all moves too fast that you cant just quite pick up the pieces fast enough...you cant quite catch all the dollars in the tank...you are forced to detach for a spell from the reality of the moments. It is those seconds where your mind and spirit are forced back to the pain and hurt...the draw back on the gun and youre both the bullet and the finger on the trigger- BANG! And....here....we....go.....again....trapped in a cycle that only time will mend...patience is key but fuuuuuckkkk when does it end?
Being tired of remembering...when all you want to do is forget...
Being avoidant to accepting what happened and where the time went...
It is those moments where forgiveness is best tactic to stop the tears,
Ones that fall soon as you feel the fear welling up within...that much closer to sinful patronizing and brutal self sabotaging....by forcing yourself to remember all of the steps you are taking to come to a new opening in the trees. The sunlight creeping through- making you hopeful for new beginning....yet the voices behind you- knawing, clawing, yanking at your skirt tails...run faster, child or you'll be lain bare down to your entrails...run faster or face the fears....fight away the tears because, mockingly, youre being silly. You arent really hurting. You know theres worse responses than crying to being triggered by the yelling in the background. Reason y the tv....the music....the outside cicadas are so loud. They drown out the boldness...overwhelmingness....the sound not enough glasses of wine could compress. Not enough puffs could pass this trying trigger....like go ahead and just put me back where i know i could never....feel....feel as though living wasnt meant to be forever- possibly an ending sooner would be better?

I hate feeling triggered...and one step further?

I hate being the only one to know how I am feeling in this moment...like how would anyone ever know this feeling who didnt stand where i stood? There's so few that could fully feel the depth of how big the heart i carry...how easily broken yet not perfectly put back together it is. How now in this time, i am able to calm myself back to balance with words Ive had to practice. Words i still get wrong and stumble upon from time to time...yet a simple reminder that i am happy and i am safe is enough....and i'll never hope for someone else to remind me. To acknowledge that i am not how i am feeling and this feeling shall too pass...all good things come to those who are patient.

Well i am patiently needing quiet in my head....these moments weigh heaviest on nights like this. And how id wish i wasnt the one to hold my hand in the dark....when the lights r on but my sight is limited. The shadows behind a sheer veil have more clarity....someone sit with me...if nothing, but to listen calmly. I dont ask for comfort because my discomfort is one i refuse to share. Youd never know if i never told you...happy and safe is how i am supposed to be.

Though sometimes....it is impossible for me.

Afterword:
I just needed to get words off my heart. Im still healing...