One-sided

Jealousy

A/N: I decided a few things are gonna be different than canon, just to make the fic sadder. 🤘

Another long day, today felt more overwhelming than normal. Maybe it's for no reason, maybe it's because of the way he's been staring at her all day. It's so annoying. They're so close. It's fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. That should be me. But I mean.. why would it be? All I do is bully him. She's always there for him. Helping him from the stupid shit I do to him. He'd be stupid to ever fall for me. As I felt myself begin to cry I ran to the bathroom. Everything's just too overwhelming. Too much. Why can't I just get a break.. I take a note I had in my pocket and toss it in the trash can. I was stupid to even think about giving it to him... God, I was so fucking stupid. Stupid to even consider the possibility he'd like me back. He's so distracted by her... I hate her. But.. I don't. She seems to be there for him, she seems to really care.. It's what he deserves. It's kind of selfish of me to want him. I ran into a stall and sat inside. I felt warm tears streaming down my face. I just want him to love me back. I just want to feel loved again. This is stupid. I'm crying because a boy doesn't like me back. It's wrong to feel this way in general. It's wrong.. It's sinful. It's stupid. I just wish these feelings would go away already... It's so stressful. It's so hard to watch him talk to her. The way he stampers over his words. The way he laughs at every joke she makes. The way he loves her. I want that to be me. Seeing how they interact and not being able to do anything. Not being able to confess. Knowing I'd just be left heart broken. It hurts. It hurts like hell. It's so unfair... I just want to be happy. I just want to be loved. At this point it just feels impossible. Maybe I deserve this. Maybe it'll all make sense in the future... Or maybe, the world just hates me. I continue to cry in the bathroom until I hear the door opening. Shit. I wipe away my tears and try to stay silent. I heard the person walking, but suddenly stop. Then I hear the sound of paper. Fuck. That's not the note... right? Suddenly I hear them talking.

"I know we don't really know each other and you probably have your opinions of me. I thought maybe if I told you how I feel, things could be different. The truth is, I can't stop thinking about you. I'm crazy about you. I think you're amazing! But I know these feelings are wrong. It's not the way a boy should feel. Shame swallows me whole. My father would kill me but I can't live in his shadow forever I just... and then its just a bunch of scribbles." I heard the voice say.. the voice that seems all too familiar. It's him.. The boy who the notes for. The boy in love with someone else. Sal fucking Fisher. Of course out of everyone in the stupid fucking school it had to be him. Because God fucking hates me. "Travis..? Were you just crying a second ago..?" The blue boy said.

"Fuck off." I say, nervously, in response. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? This is just fucking splendid. This entire fucking situation. So. Fucking. Perfect. Really. I mean, of all people he had to be here. Now Gods just fucking with me.

"What's wrong?" He asked. Well, I can't just straight up tell him. Can you imagine that? Hey, I've been in love with you for awhile now, but can't say anything because my dad will beat the shit out of me and you're in love with Ashley fucking Campbell. I'm sure that would play out fun.

"Nothing." I say, even though I was clearly lying. If any actually believed that they'd have to of lost all of their brain cells. But, it was the only thing I could come up with.

"That's obviously a lie.. I wanna help you, man." Of course you do. You're too fucking nice. Too sweet to people who don't deserve it.

"I don't need your pity." There's definitely a tone of anger in my voice as I say that. I dont want to seem angry at him, but it may be the only way to get him to leave. I really don't feel like dealing with this today.

"Why do you hate me so much...?" Sal actually seemed kinda sad when he said that.. I feel bad.. I hate doing this. But I have to.

"Because you and your dumb friends are a bunch of homos." Great going, Travis. Like really, that's all you could come up with? Fucking dumbass. Nothing you're doing is gonna make him like you. Just shut up.

"You know we're not all gay, right?" Sal says to me. Yeah, I know. I also know that the boy I want to be gay is already in love with a girl. Because being gay isn't normal... It's not right. I'm wrong, all of this is disgusting and wrong. I'm just a stupid faggot.. fuck. Why am I like this? I must've been lost in thought because all I heard coming from the other side was, "Travis?"

"What do you want? Just go away." I got more and more annoyed. It's not that I don't like talking to him. I just.. This isn't something I like to talk about. It's a very complicated situation.

"Just give me a chance Travis, please." There was a bit of pain in his voice. I felt awful. I'm a horrible person, why does he care so much? He shouldn't. Fucking hell, I love him. And it fucking hurts. I don't know how much longer I can do this. He seems to genuinely care, I just want him to know I'm okay. I just wanna talk to him and be his friend. But that can't happen. My stupid dad. And stupid fucking feelings. It wouldn't work out.

"Why are you being so nice to me...?" Wait. Fuck. I didn't mean to say that. Hell. I'm suppose to be someone he can hate and be okay with it. I'm not suppose to care. And I definitely wasn't suppose to say that. Shit.

"I know there's good in you, Travis. Just talk to me, what's making you do all of this?" Maybe I can trust him... Maybe it'll be okay.... Should I? Fuck. He's messing with my head so much. I shouldn't even be talking to him like this. I'm making everything so much worse. How I feel, how he sees me. Even if we could be friends, his friends definitely aren't too fond of me. But, it makes sense. I wouldn't like me if I were them either. I need to treat people better first. That's right, if I ever want to be his friend I'd have to treat him better first. This might work out! I can do this. I know it. It can't be that hard, right? Maybe. I just have to figure out how. Would they even trust it? I can't just start being nice all of the sudden; after years of being a total asshole I can't just start being nice all of the sudden. It'll look suspicious. I have to start slow, slowly stop doing certain thing. When I've eventually stopped being a complete dick then I can start being nice. Also slowly. Baby steps, Travis. Baby steps. but then there's the obstacle of my father. He told me I need to do this, I'd have to make him think I still am. Let's give it a try. What would go wrong?

"I'm just stressed." That's not a complete lie. I am stressed, just about reasons I'm not gonna tell. Ever.

"Do you wanna talk about it? You don't to go into detail. Just.. open the door." I did that, after wiping my tears. I looked a bit better, but I still looked rough. I stood up, and Sal hugged me. My heart skipped a beat, and my face got hot. He stopped, and we walked to the lunchroom together, I sat at my normal table alone and he sat with his friends. I felt a bit better. I finished my food, and shortly after the bell rang. I walked to my next class, and began working. Maybe this won't be too bad after all.

The rest of the day went by, and I was dreading the moment I go home. I'd had a good day-mostly-but now I have to deal with my dad. There was nothing I could think that I did wrong, and maybe my dad will be at church by now. But, with my luck he's home and already have something to yell at me about.

I walked into my door, and my father was in fact at church, so I have a few hours to myself. I go to my room and decide to take a nap. Long day. When I woke up, and hour later, I picked up my room and start on homework. I guessed I had a few hours left home, so I took a shower, brushed my hair and teeth, then used my free time to draw. It was a hobby of mine for a few years now but it wasn't anything too good. I drew until a heard my dad walk into the door, I was gonna walk downstairs until I heard him open a bottle of alcohol. This isn't good.

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Author notes:

Sorry it took so long to publish, and I expected it to be a lot longer. I'll try to update regularly, but no promises. I have horrid time management. Buh-bye now!