Another

Chapter 28: Acceptance

In my dream, I was maybe 16 years old. I walked down a trail over rolling hills of grass, as far as the eye could see. Stars glittered in the distant skies, and the moon was a beacon of ethereal light shining upon this dreamland. I was alone

Or so I thought.

I peered into my own eyes, dull and slitted like a feline’s. The other me had sharp fangs and claws, and flames all over his skin. I stared at myself reflected in those eyes, seeing my own human eyes watching me in his. We were the same person, but each one on the other side. Human and demon. The same, but so very different. 

The other me sat down, the long grass folding under him to form a cushion. I settled beside him, somehow knowing that he was 18 and older than me. We watched the grass sway around us, feeling the air on our skin. The night was peaceful. Pleasant, even. 

“You hate me,” the demon me said. It was phrased more like a statement, rather than a question. I pressed my lips together. I wasn’t sure how to respond, since it wasn’t entirely false. I did hate him. He represented the darkest moments in my life. The deaths of my family. My weaknesses. Everything I hate about the current me, was because of him. Somehow, someway. 

He watched his hands, eyes downcast as if he heard my silent confession. I sighed. 

“I do.” I wrapped my arms around my legs, trying to draw warmth to my core. The other me did the same. “I can’t lie. I do hate you.” I acknowledged. 

He nodded wordlessly. I tousled my hair with my hand, mulling my next words over in my mouth. 

“But I can’t blame you.” 

The other me hesitantly met my eyes. I smiled as warmly as I could. “It’s not your fault. It’s Muzan’s. You weren’t the one who murdered our family.” 

He widened his eyes. 

I scratched the back of my neck. I hope I’m not antagonizing him by talking about Muzan.

“If anything, you’re helping me right now.” 

He hadn’t moved. His eyes were on me, wide and unbelieving. My palms suddenly burned, and I found myself staring at his hands. His talons were carving into his palms, the blood welling up around the indents. I decided to try and go in for a hug. He looked like he needed one, and seeing that we were one of the same, it only felt right. 

I slowly wrapped my arms around his shoulders. At first, he froze up. But after a short while, he settled into my arms and melted against my shoulder. I hesitantly clasped my hands together behind his back, holding him tightly. He copied me after a few seconds, sighing softly into my hair. 

I rested my head on his shoulder. Yeah, I hated being a demon, but I didn't hate being a demon. I hated why I became one. Because of the loss of my family. The way my sister seemed dead even though she was right beside me, alive and breathing. I hated the way my sister and I had to hide, and stay on the run from those who wanted to hurt us. I hated the reason why they wanted to hurt us, because they themselves were hurt by the thing I had been turned into. I hated living for vengeance. To be chasing after some way to reverse this cycle of hurt and hate and loss. That was what I hated. But to say that I hated myself for simply surviving? No, I couldn’t hate that. I couldn’t, because deep down, I know it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t human me’s fault. It wasn’t demon me’s fault. We were the ones who had been pulled into this storm. But we weren’t the ones who created it. We were simply trying to survive. To keep our heads above the rising waters. 

I was by myself again. Perhaps I was alone this entire time, in this dream in my mind. At least I had clarity now. What my true goals were. How I really felt about this whole thing. 

And forgiveness. To me, before I turned into a demon, and after. 

The moon was setting in the horizon. The stars were winking out, becoming dimmer and dimmer the closer the sun came to rising above the land faraway. Soon, the sun would be up, and the moon would be gone. But at least here, I’d be able to enjoy the sunrise, one last time, before I had to wake up to sunset.