The Bartender

Katherine Sienna Parker

Camila was scared. Their date had been going so perfectly but now, as she sat in the car next to him while they drove away from the restaurant she could tell he was pulling away from her again. He was being quiet and his hands were shaking. She tried to calm him down by gently caressing small circles onto the back of his hand with her thumb but it didn't seem to be working. She tried to recount everything that had happened that night so far. Did she say something wrong? Did she take something too far? Or not far enough?

Everything had been going so great from her perspective. He picked her up promptly at 7 o'clock like he had promised — another bouquet of sunflowers in hand.

"I figured the other ones I had gotten you were probably starting to wilt by now," he said as he handed them to her. He kissed her and told her how beautiful she looked. At dinner he had pulled her chair closer to him so he could kiss her. They talked a lot and the conversation flowed effortlessly. It was the most perfect first date she had been on in her life but now he seemed...distant.

"Can we stop somewhere else real quick?" he asked, breaking the silence that had been looming between them. Camila squeezed his hand and nodded.

"Of course." She heard him sigh, almost as if he were relieved. She tried to decipher where he was taking her to has he drove but she couldn't figure it out. That is, until he pulled up and parked next to the entrance to the cemetery. "The cemetery?" she questioned. He looked over at her, clearly nervous.

"Um, y-yeah...is that okay?" Deciding not to question it, she nodded. She couldn't help but find it kind of funny. On any of her previous first dates she would've gone running if they tried to take her to a cemetery at night. But she trusted Shawn. He cared about her; he'd protect her. They walked hand-in-hand down the gravel path. She wasn't sure where they were going but he seemed to know. His hand was kind of sweaty but it didn't bother her. She rested her head on his bicep as they walked, smiling softly when she felt him turn his head to kiss her temple.

Then he stopped. Camila didn't even really realize why he had stopped until she looked up at him and noticed his eyes were fixated on one specific headstone. She followed his line of sight and looked at the stone herself. The engraved name was Katherine Sienna Parker. Based on her date of birth Camila deduced that she would've been about the same age as herself. Her date of death was about four years ago, on September 7th. Suddenly she was starting to put the pieces together.

"Can we sit?" Shawn asked quietly.

"Of course." They sat together in the grass. He kept his hand in hers the entire time, occasionally squeezing it as if he were trying to gain strength from her.

"Sorry if this is a really shitty thing to do on a first date," he apologized. "To be honest with you, I haven't been on a real date with anyone since she died so I'm not really sure how to go about this. But also this has been one of the most incredible nights of my life and I want to be 100% honest and up front with you about why it was so difficult for me to let you in." Camila looked at him and nodded.

"I'm listening." He looked over to her and smiled softly, taking a deep breath before speaking.

"I met her when I was 19. I was too shy to tell her I liked her but luckily she wasn't too shy to tell me." Camila raised her eyebrows, clearly surprised that Shawn, of all people, was too shy to talk to a girl. "I know..." he chuckled. "I was a lot different back then. She asked me out on a date and I went home afterwards being sure that I had totally blown it. I was awkward and weird and just...not very charming. For some reason, though, she asked me on another date. We made it official on the third date." He looked over at Camila. For some reason he was expecting her to be mad that he was telling her about his ex, or maybe even jealous, but she wasn't. She looked like she wanted to know more, so he kept going. "After college we decided to move in together. We found a little house for rent and moved in as soon as we could. The place was a dump, I'll admit it, but we couldn't really afford anything else. It was so perfect for a while. We had our own routine. She always slept late and I was always an early bird so I'd wake up and head to the gym in the mornings and then bring us both coffee on the way home. Every morning, that was our routine." He froze and Camila could tell he was getting more emotional. She braced herself, knowing she was likely about to find out how his ex had passed. "The morning she died...it was just like any other morning. I woke up first and got ready to go to the gym. I kissed her on the forehead before leaving." His emotions broke through his voice and a single tear ran down his cheek. Camila squeezed his hand tighter. "I came home and the front door was open. I didn't really think anything of it, assuming the wind probably just blew it open or something. I closed the door behind me and set our coffees down in the kitchen. I called out for her but she didn't answer and that's when I started to worry. I walked back to the bedroom and—" He paused to try and collect himself. "She was on the floor. She was naked and...her neck was bruised in the shape of two hands. It wasn't hard to figure out what had happened but...I didn't want to believe it." Camila's lip quivered, tears forming in her own eyes now too. "They pronounced her dead at the scene. The investigation didn't take long. It was three teenage boys who luckily didn't know what they were doing and left evidence everywhere. They're all in prison." He looked down and shook his head. "I was only gone for an hour but in that hour my entire life changed."

"Did you know the boys?" Camila asked. Shawn shook his head.

"No. The police were convinced there had to be some kind of motivation behind it but they couldn't find any connection. Just three random boys who wanted someone to kill. And they found one."

"Shawn, I'm so sorry."

"I'm not telling you this story for sympathy," he clarified. "I'm telling you because since the day she died I've convinced myself that I'm not allowed to fall in love ever again because it'd hurt her. And I had come to terms with that. I was more than happy with the idea of random, meaningless hookups for the rest of my life until..." He paused to take a breath and looked over at Camila, tears in both of their eyes. "Until you. I really, really like you Camila. And what we have has never been random or meaningless. I was just scared and lost and guarded and stubborn but I don't want to be those things anymore. I just want to be with you." Camila didn't say anything. She didn't trust that her voice could form any coherent words at the moment any way. She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him as close to her as she possibly could.

"Thank you for bringing me here," she whispered against his neck. He squeezed her tighter.

Now that Camila knew about his past she couldn't help but think about it as he drove them back to her apartment building. Suddenly it all made sense: why he'd always text her and remind her to lock her doors, why he refused to let her walk by herself to work. She even remembered him double checking the lock on his door the night they first slept together. He didn't want to lose her the same way he lost his ex.

He walked her to the front door of her apartment and seemed almost surprised when she invited him inside.

"I didn't scare you off?" he chuckled awkwardly. She just smiled and shook her head, tugging him by the wrist into her small apartment.

"No, you didn't scare me off. This was the most incredible date I've ever been on."