Devil's eye

Chapter I

I was about 7 years old when it happened. The day started very innocuous, I woke up way too early, so I decided to make breakfast for all of us. I loved to cook with my mother that time. A voice in my head said „make your parents proud of you", but another one told me that I should wait until the others are awake, because something might happen. I always thought that those voices are angels which will always be by my side, and I wanted them both to be happy, that's why I made something easy, an omelette with bacon and tomatoes.

When the breakfast was ready, I shouted „Mum, Dad, look what I've made us for breakfast!", but nobody answered. Strange, I thought, they must've heard me. I ran upstairs into their room, and I saw them sleeping peacefully. Once again, I said „Mum, Dad, come downstairs, I have a surprise for you". Nothing. Then I took a closer look, and I saw on the beside table some pills in a glass which read PFBS. I didn't know what it stood for, but know I know that it means „Pills for better sleep", and those are very dangerous if you consume many of them. Back to that day, I started to scream and shout until they were awake. Father said „What's wrong with you, Lilith?", and I answered with „I stood up that early to make a surprise for you, but as I can see, sleep is more important than me". I ran downstairs, and ate a bit of the omelette, went back to my room and got dressed.

It was June's birthday, my best friend that time, so I wore a yellow dress with a bow in the same color. Her gift was a doll and a white bow because I loved bows...
When I finally was at June's, I saw some other girls from my primary school class, I don't remember their names. We spent her birthday with playing games and watching films until evening. I left inasmuch I thought that my parents would worry about me. At home, I shouted through the whole house „Mum, Dad, I am home!", and as I expected, nobody answered me. Of course I wanted to find them and tell them how exiting June's birthday was, and then I saw them, I mean, their bodies hanging from the ceiling in the dining room.

I was shocked, and at first I didn't even know what to do, until I had the idea to tell Miss Lee, an old lady who lives right next to us, what happened. She always knew what to do. I told her what happened and we both went back to my house, so she could see it by herself. I remember when she said „Why would adults do something like that, aren't they aware of the consequences? Poor Lilith". She went to the cellphone and called the police. I was asked if I had some other family members, and I answered, still shocked of what happened, that I have an aunt, but she put me in this prison here.

Psychologist: I think it's very good for you to express yourself in writing, Lilith.
Lilith: You found my documentation about that day?!
Psychologist: You know that I have an access to your room.
Lilith: But I don't think that you're allowed to rummage through my things.
Psychologist: We need to keep on going, and you know that.
Lilith: I am not ready to talk about it, no matter how many years passed.
Psychologist: I understand, but give it a try.
Lilith: What should we work on?
Psychologist: Your parents died under not normal circumstances.
Lilith: Yea?
Psychologist: Why do you think that you have something to do with it?
Lilith: Isn't it obvious? Since they were eating those pills, I stopped existing for them.
Psychologist: And that's why they would commit suicide?
Lilith: I can't think of another reason, Sir.
Psychologist: Lilith, you are such a strong girl, but keep in mind that the more often you start questioning yourself, the more you hurt yourself psychically.
Lilith: So you want to tell me that I should stop thinking about it?
Psychologist: Yes.
Lilith: What else should I think about? How beautiful the walls look like?
Psychologist: You should try to talk with people in your age, don't you think so?
Lilith: And why?
Psychologist: It's very interesting to hold conversations with other people.
Lilith: And what shall I say? Hello, I am Lilith, 14 years old and my parents committed suicide, nice to meet you!
Psychologist: Nah, I think that you can do it better. Anything else to say?
Lilith: Nope, I'm done for today.
Psychologist: Come back tomorrow, alright? Your homework is to talk to one in your age, ok?
Lilith: Fine.

„Talk to someone in your age", very funny Sir. You don't know that I am getting bullied here every day, and I don't even know the reason! I would like to go to this Sanja and ask if they don't have better things to do in their life here then to gossip behind my back. But I am way too shy, I hate me for being like that. Maybe the psychologist wants me to have a bit more courage, and he's right: I should start working on myself before it will be to late. On the way back to my room, I saw a new face, should I just say „hi" and look how she reacts?

Lilith: Hi.
New girl: Hello.
Lilith: New here?
New girl: Yes.
What now? Ok Lilith, think. What would a normal teenager say?
Lilith: Maybe want me to show you around?
New girl: Ummm... I just want to know where the psychologist is.
I pointed at the door behind me.
New girl: Thanks, ummm... what's your name?
Lilith: I'm Lilith. And you?
New girl: Cyra.
Lilith: Nice to meet you. See you around?
New girl: Sure.
Then she walked away. My very first conversation was quite cringe. I helped her, at least.

Sanja: I can't believe my eyes!
Hayal: Omg.
Nisa: She actually opened her mouth!
Sanja: What did I told you, Nisa?
Nisa: I am not allowed to raise my voice like you do.
Sanja: And why did you do that?
Nisa: I... forgot.
Sanja: Dump girl.

How can she be so rude to her friends? Isn't she afraid that they can leave her?

Sanja: I just wanted to say that your voice is as ugly as your face, Lili!
Nisa: Yea, stop making the new ones feeling awkward.

It's time, Lilith, it's time.

Lilith: My name is LILITH, and not LILI, Sanja.
Sanja: What did you just said? I can't hear you, you're talking a bit quiet!
Lilith: I SAID THAT MY NAME IS LILITH, AND NOT LILI!
Hayal: Do we look like we would care, Lili?
Lilith: Who do you think you are, guys? The stars in here? Remember, it's a psychiatry, not a show!
Nisa: Still, it's OUR home, and you are not welcome, Lili.
Lilith: Whatever. Could you please leave me alone and shut up, thanks.
Sanja: Why are you treating us like that, huh? We are longer here than you!
Lilith: And now what? You're older you must be a bit more intelligent and stop bullying people because they are a bit shy. I'm out.

It felt so amazing to say what's on your mind out loud. I think I scared this trio, I showed them their place. Now I need to find mine, it's my room. It's like the heaven in here. The thing is, I am here since I turned 8, and I never tried to change something. I accepted my life as an outsider, and it was ok for me. I have to start to believe in myself, maybe it will be the key for me to get out of here.