ANON. || l.s.

True colours

Cloudlight
Floating in magically colorful
pieces of sky
Pieces of sky light
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TW: description of a panicattack

I stumbled off the bed towards the armchair. Heaving, I lent on the armrest shaking my head, trying to rid myself of the horrible images. 
   'This...this can't be...' I muttered. I heard Harry getting up too and moments later I felt his big hand on my shoulder. 
   'I know that must've been horrible to see...' His low voice carried a sad undertone. 'I just thought, well, that you deserved to see this.' 
I kept shaking my head and the onset of nausea made me buckle into the armchair. I grabbed my hair and started pulling it out of horror. Harry was watching me with concern. 
   'Lou...Are you okay?' Harry came up to me and sat down on the floor at my feet. 
   'I...I don't know...I...I can't breathe...' My heart started racing and I felt sweaty all over. It was as if my throat was closing up and all I could see were the teary eyes of the little girl. The little girl with Father's hands all over her. This wasn't happening. This wasn't happening. I can't-

   'Shit Lou, just breathe okay?' Bewildered, Harry looked me up and down, patting my shoulders, trying to hold my hands, but it was as if he was talking from behind a glass wall. I heard the words but they were distorted, as if I was underwater, drowning, fighting for breath. Tears gushed out of my eyes and every breath I took was as if it didn't hold enough oxygen. I shook all over. My own damn Father was the reason so many lives were destroyed. He had destroyed mine, but I was just a little speck in the vast mass of destruction he had left behind. Somehow that only added to the fact I felt like a failure. I was nothing. I shouldn't be here. I was a mistake, a blip in life that went wrong. How could anybody ever love me? My family was fucked up, I was fucked up, and I couldn't even take care of myself or stand up for myself. Were there signs? Did I miss them? Was I to blame too for his behaviour? Maybe if I had stood up for myself I could've stopped his horrible behaviour. Ofcourse Father hit me; I was a mistake, and all I could do was let people down. Soraya was in this mess because of me, let alone the countless other girls.

Harry's hands were stroking up and down my back and he was watching me in silence. Why was he still sitting next to me? Didn't he see how disgusting I was? I was the offspring of a psychopath, a man sick to his core, and as far as I heard, my grandfather had been just as wicked as well. The bloodline had to end with me. The world was better off without me.

Then Harry surprised me and my erratic breathing hitched. Ha had nested himself on the armrest and nuzzled his face in my neck. His warm, slow breath threw me off balance. For as far as I had any balance left, that was. It wasn't sexual. It was in a comforting way. He was just breathing against my skin, and in this small moment of clarity, I now heard that he was whispering repetitive sentences to me. 

   'You are alright...You are amazing...I'm so sorry you had to see that...I'm here...You are amazing...I'm here, and I will not leave, I promise...'

He was rocking slowly back and forth and with every strength, I had left, I focused on his soothing breath against my skin. In...and out. In...and out. The panic was subsiding a bit now and all I had left were tears. 
Silently I cried against Harry, who to my surprise, didn't part my side. He kept holding me, kept muttering sweet things in my ear. Every negative thought crossing my mind was slowly pushed away by his warmth and his willingness to hold me. Every time an strong solid argument about whether I was a bad person or not came up, it was contradicted by his assurances.
   'This isn't your fault...You are amazing...This will pass...I'm here...'

After what felt like an hour (it could've been just ten minutes, I really wouldn't know) I dared to look him in the eyes again. 
Harry's eyes were wet too, he had been crying along with me and I instantly felt a jab of guilt in my gut. See? Everybody had to take care of me.